PRICE,    THIRTY-riVE  CENTS. 


V 


FRESH  FROM  ABRAHAM'S  BOSOM. 


geto 
T.    R.    DAWLEY,    PUBLISHED. 

NEWS  CO.    1.9t          sau  St.,  N.  Y. 


fc, 


OLD  ABE'S  JOKES; 


FRESH   TROM 


BOSOM 


CONTAINING  ALL    US  ISSUES, 


THE  "GREENBACKS." 


TO   CALL   IN   SOME  OF  WHICH, 


THIS   WORK   IS    ISSUED. 


NEW  YOEK: 

T.  R.  DAWLEY,  PUBLISHER, 
13  &  15  PARK  Row. 


Old  Abe's  Jokes,  says  the  New  York  Herald,  "  are  the  essence  ot 
President's  Lincoln's  life."  They  will  be  read  by  everybody,  con- 
taining as  they  do  all  the  JESTS  and  SQUIBS  of  Father  Abraham. 

NOTICE  : — Many  of  these  Jokes,  Jests  and  Sqnibs,  contained  in  this 
work,  never  before  appeared  in  print,  being  fresh  from  the  National 
Joker's  lips,  and  are  entered  according  to  Act  of  Congress  ;  hence, 
parties  publishing  them  without  crediting  to  thig  work,  will  be  liable 
to  prosecution. 


ENTERED  ACCORDING  TO  ACT  OP  CONGRESS,  IN  THE  YEAR  1864,  BY 

T  .     R.     DA'WLBY, 

IN  THE  CLERK'S  OFFICE  OF  THE  DISTRICT  COURT  OF  THE  UNITED  STATES, 
FOB  THE  SOUTHERN  DISTRICT  OF  NEW  YORK. 


T.  R,  DAWLEY,  Stereotyper,  Steam  Book,  Job  and  Newspaper  Printer 
and  Publisher,  No.  13  and  15  Park  Row,  N.  Y. 


OLD  ABE'S  JOKES. 


Father  Abraham's  Boyhood,  Pots  and  Kettles,  Dutch  Ovens,  Frying 
Pans,  /Esops  Fables,  Rail-Splitting,  &c.,  &c. 

Abraham  Lincoln  was  born  in  Hardin  county,  Kentucky, 
in  the  year  1809.  His  parents  were  poor,  and  lived  in  a 
log-house  "without  a  floor,  furnished  with  lour  or  five  three- 
legged  stools,  pots,  kettles,  a  spider,  Dutch  oven,  and  some- 
thing -that  answered  for  a  bed."  They  were  both  members 
of  the  Baptist  church,  the  mother  being  represented  as  a 
whole-hearted  Christian  of  godly  example  and  precept* 
She  could  read  but  could  not  write.  The  father  was  not 
BO  highly  endowed  by  nature  as  his  wife,  but  was  superior 
in  most  respects  to  his  neighbors.  He  could  write  his  name 
but  could  not  read  at  all. 

Abraham  was  seven  years  old  when  he  was  sent  to. 
school,  for  the  first  time,  to  "one  Hazel,  who  came  to  live  in 
the  neighborhood.  There  were  no  schools  nor  school-houses 


22  OLD  ABB'S  JOKES, 

in  the  region,  and  few  of  the  people  could  read.  But  this 
Hazel  could  read  and  write ;  but  beyond  this  he  made  a 
poor  figure.  For  a  small  sum  he  taught  a  few  children  at 
his  house,  and  Abraham  was  one  of  the  number.  His 
parents  were  so  anxious  that  he  should  know  how  to  read 
and  write,  that  they  managed  to  save  enough  out  of  their 
penury  to  send  him  to  school  a  few  weeks.  They  considered 
Abraham  a  remarkable  boy. 

Every  day  he  posted  away  with  the  old  spelling-book  to 
Hazel's  cabin,  where  he  tried  as  hard  to  learn  as  aay  boy 
who  ever  studied  his  Ab's.  He  carried  his  book  home  at 
night  and  puzzled  his  active  brain  over  what  he  had  learned 
during  the  day.  He  cared  for  nothing  but  his  book.  His 
highest  ambition  was  to  learn  to  read  as  well  as  his  mother 
could.  As  she  gathered  the  family,  and  read  the  bible  to 
them  each  day,  and  particularly  as  she  read  it  upon  the 
Sabbath  much  of  the  time,  he  almost  envied  her  the  blessed 
privilege  of  reading.  He  longed  foi  the  day  to  come  when 
he  could  read  aloud  from  that  revered  volume.  Beyond 
that  privilege  he  did  not  look.  To  be  able  to  read  was 
boon  enough  for  him,  without  looking  for  anything  be- 
yond. 

Young  Abraham  received  the  most  excellent  moral  teach- 
ings from  his  mother  who  was  accustomed  to  read  the  Bible 
gularly  to  her  family. 

Her  reading  was  not  confined  to  the  Old  Testament, 
nor  to  the  narrative  portions  of  the  Bible.  She  understood 
the  gospel  because  she  had  a  Christian  experience  that  was 
marked.  She  was  a  firm,  consistent  disciple  of  the  Lord 
Jesus,  and  was  qualified  thereby  to  expound  the  scriptures. 
The  story  of  the  Cross,  as  it  is  recorded  in  the  27th  chap- 


FRESH  PROM  ABRAHAM'S  BOSOM.  29 

ter  of  Matthew,  was  read  over  at  the  fire-side,  accom- 
panied  with  many  remarks  that  were  suited  to  impress  the 
minds  of  her  children. 

The  Ten  Commandments  were  made  an  important  mat- 
ter in  the  Sabbath  lessons,  and  Abraham  was  drilled  in  re- 
peating them,  were  pressed  upon  his  attention  namely,  (III) 
8  Thou  shalt  not  take  name  of  the  Lord  thy  God  in  vain  • 
for  the  Lord  will  not  hold  him  guiltless  that  taketh  his 
name  in  vain.  (IV.)  Remember  the  Sabbath  day  to  keep 
it  holy.'  (V.)  « Honor  thy  father  and  thy  mother,  that 
thy  days  may  be  long  upon  the  land  which  the  Lord  hath 
giveth  thee.'  (IX.)  'Thou  shalt  not  bear  false  witness 
against  thy  neighbor.' 

*  In  this  way  many  Sabbaths  of  Abraham's  boyhood  were 
spent,  so  that  he  became  familiar  with  the  Bible.  For  a 
boy  of  his  age,  he  was  excelled  by  few  in  his  acquaintance 
with  the  Scriptures.  The  Bible,  catechism,  and  the  old 
spelling-book  named,  being  the  only  books  in  the  family  at 
this  time,  as  we  have  said,  and  there  being  no  papers,  either 
religious  or  secular,  the  Bible  was  read  much  more  than  it 
would  have  been  if  other  volumes  had  been  possessed.  It 
was  the  first  book  that  Abraham  ever  read — that  same  old 
family  Bible,  kept  very  choice  because  their  poverty 
could  not  afford  another.  It  was  the  only  bible  that  his 
mother  ever  possessed,  her  life  treasure,  to  which  she  was 
more  indebted,  and  perhaps,  also,  her  son  Abraham,  than 
any  other  influence.  It  was  certainly  the  light  of  her 
dwelling,  and  the  most  powerful  educator  that  ever  entered 
her  family. 

That  same  Bible  is  still  in  the  possession  of  a  relative  in 
the  state  of  Illinois. 


24  OLD  ABE'S  JOKES, 

When  Abraham  was  about  eight  years  old,  his  father, 
preferring  to  live  in  a  free  State,  sold  his  farm  for  a  lot  of 
whiskey  (most  of  which  he  lost  in  moving),  and  emigrated 
te  Spencer  county,  Indiana.  Here,  miles  from  any  neigh- 
bor, he  opened  his  new  settlement  and  built  himself  a  cabin, 
almost  the  counterpart  of  the  one  they  had  left  in  Ken- 
tucky. About  the  end  of  their  first  year's  residence  in 
Indiana,  affliction  came  upon  the  household  in  the  shape  of 
the  death  of  Mrs.  Lincoln.  About  this  time,  too,  Abra- 
ham's literary  treasures  were  enlarged  by  the  acquisition 
of  the  Pilgrim's  Progress  and  &sop's  Fables. 

He  read  it  over  and  over  until  he  could  repeat  almost 
the  entire  contents  of  the  volume.  He  was  interested  in 
the  moral  lesson  that  each  fable  taught,  and  derived  there- 
from many  valuable  hints  that  he  carried  with  him  through 
life.  On  the  whole  he  spent  more  time  over  JEsop's  Fabks 
than  he  did  over  Pilgrim's  Progress^  although  he  was  really, 
charmed  by  the  latter.  But  there  was  a  practical  turn  to 
the  Fables  that  interested  him,  and  he  could  easily  recollect 
the  stories.  Perhaps  this  early  familiarity  with  this  book 
laid  the  foundations  for  that  facility  at  apt  story-telling 
which  has  distinguished  him  from  his  youth.  It  is  easy  to 
see  how  such  a  volume  might  beget  and  foster  a  taste  in 
this  direction. 

He  was  also  so  fortunate  as  to  find  a  writing-master. 

Abraham  was  awkward  enough  in  the  use  of  the  pen  at 
first';  but  he  soon  overcame  this  difficulty,  and  exhibited 
unusual  judgment  for  a  boy  in  the  formation  of  letters. — • 
When  he  had  learned  how  to  form  a  letter,  he  practiced 
upon  it  in  various  ways.  With  a  bit  of  chalk  he  would 
cut  them  on  pieces  of  slabs  and  on  the  trunks  of  trees;  and 


FRESH    FROM   ABRAHAM'S   BOSOM.  25 

more  than  once  the  tops  of  the  stools  in  the  cabin  and  the 
puncheon-table  served  him  in  lieu  of  a  writing-book.  His 
father  was  too  poor  to  provide  him  with  all  the  paper  ne- 
cessary for  his  scribbling,  and  so  he  resorted  to  these  va- 
rious expedients.  The  end  of  a  charred  stick  was  used  as 
a  pencil  sometimes  to  accomplish  his  object,  and  it  enabled 
him  to  cut  letters  with  considerable  facility. 

We  have  not  space  to  follow  Abraham  during  the  course 
of  his  life  in  Indiana.  We  pass  on  to  the  removal  of  the 
family  to  Illinois  and  to  the  celebrated  splitting  of  the 
rails, 

They  accomplished  the  journey  from  Spencer  county,  In- 
diana, to  Decatur,  Illinois,  in  fifteen  days.  The  spot  se- 
lected for  their  home  was  on  the  north  side  of  the  Sauga- 
mon  River,  about  10  miles  west  of  Decatur,  a  spot  wisely 
chosen,  because  it  was  at  the  junction  of  the  timber  and 
prairie  lands. 

A  log  house  was  immediately  erected,  in  the  building  of 
which  Abraham  acted  a  conspicuous  part.  Ten  acres  of 
prairie  land  were  selected,  and  the  sods  were  broken  for  a 
crop  of  corn. 

c  That  must  be  fenced  at  once,'  said  Abraham. 

6  And  you'll  have  to  split  the  rails,  if  it  is  done,'  replied  • 
his  father. 

{ That  I  can  do,  as  I  am  used  to  it ;  but  I  don't  expect  to 
split  rails  for  a  living  all  my  days.' 

£  I  hope  you  won't  have  to.  When  we  get  things  under 
way,  you  can  seek  your  for  tin'  somewhere  else.' 

*  I  haven't  made  up  my  mind  as  to  that.     There  will  be 
time  enough  for  that  when  the  ten  acres  are  fenced  in.'  - 

*  We  shall  hare  enough  to  do  this  summer  to  break  up 


26  OLD  ABE'S  JOKES, 

and  plant  ten  acres  of  corn,  and  take  care  of  it,  and  fence 
the  lot.  But  who  ever  saw  such  land  as  this  ?  The  half 
was  not  told  us.'  Mr.  Lincoln  was  surprised  at  the  rich- 
ness of  the  lands ;  and,  in  all  respects,  he  was  pleased  with 
the  change  of  residence. 

'There  can  be  no  better  farming  land  than  this,'  answer- 
ed Abraham,  « and  it  ain't  half  the  work  to  cultivate  these 
prairie  lands.  And  I  am  just  the  hand  to  fence  them,  as  I 
have  swung  the  axes  so  much* 

« Yes,  you  can  do  it  better  than  I  can,  and  a  great  deal 
quicker  ;  so  you  may  go  at  it  as  soon  as  you  please.' 

Accordingly,  Abraham  proceeded  to  split  the  rails  for 
the  ten  acre  lot.  These  are  the  rails  about  which  so  much 
was  said  in  the  late  Presidential  campaign.  «  Their  exist- 
ence,' says  Mr.  Scripps,  *  was  brought  to  the  public  atten- 
tion during  the  sitting  of  the  Republican  State  Convention, 
at  Decatur,  on  which  occasion  a  banner,  attached  -  to  two 
of  these  rails,  and  bearing  an  appropriate  inscription  was 
brought  into  the  assemblage  and  formally  presented  to  that 
body,  amid  a  scene  of  unparalleled  enthusiasm.  After  that 
they  were  in  demand  in  every  State  of  the  Union  in  which 
free  labor  is  honored,  where  they  were  borne  in  processions 
of  the  people,  and  hailed  by  hundreds  of  thousands  of  free- 
men, as  a  symbol  of  triumph,  and  as  a  glorious  vindication 
of  freedom,  and  of  the  rights  and  the  dignity  of  free  labor. 
These,  however,  were  far  from  being  the  first  or  only  rails 
made  by  Lincoln.  He  was  a  practiced  hand  at  the  busi- 
ness. His  first  lessons  were  taken  while  yet  a  boy  in  In- 
diana.  Some  of  the  rails  made  by  him  in  that  State  have 
been  clearly  identified.  The  writer  has  seen  a  cane,  now 
in  the  possession  of  Mr.  Lincoln,  made  by  one  of  his  oM 


FRESH   FROM   ABRAHAM'S   BOSOM.  27 

acquaintances,  from  one  of  those  rails  split  by  his  own 
hands  IB  boyhood/ 

Shortly  after  the  removal  to  Illinois,  Abraham  left  his 
home  to  look  out  for  himself.  He  found  a  comfortable 
place  with  a  family  living  near  Petersburg,  Menard  county, 
where,  as  was  the  case  wherever  he  lived,  he  acquired  tie 
esteem  of  all. 

The  young  people  who  became  acquainted  with  him  gave 
him  their  confidence  without  hesitation.  They  believed 
him  to  be  a  conscientious,  upright  young  man.  For  this 
reason,  they  referred  the  settlement  of  dispute  to  him. 
They  had  confidence  in  his  judgment  as  well  as  his  honesty. 
Different  sorts  of  games  were  in  vogue  at  that  time,  and 
running  matches  and  horse-racings,  and  if  Abraham  was 
present,  one  party  or  the  other  was  sure  to  make  him  their 
judge.  Two  years  later,  while  he  was  livinginNew  Salem, 
he  shared  the  confidence  of  all  to  such  an  extent  that  both 
parties,  in  the  aforesaid  amusements,  were  wont  to  choose 
him  for  their  judge.  In  all  cases,  too,  there  was  the  ut- 
most satisfaction  shown  in  his  decisions. 

It  was  at  this  period  of  his  life  that  he  was  christened 
<  Honest  Abe.'  It  was  so  unusual  for  the  same  person  to 
act  as  judge  for  both  of  the  contending  parties,  and  it 
was  expressive  of  so  much  confidence  in  his  character 
that  by  common  consent  he  came  to  be  known  as  <  HONEST 
ABE.' 


Father  Abraham  a  Disciple  of  "  Father  Matthew." 
When  Gen.  Hooker  was  ordered  to  join  Gen.  Grant  at 
Chattanooga,  the  president  advised  him  to  avoid  ' Bourbon9 
county,  when  passing  through  Kentucky. 


28  OLD   ABE'S    JOKES, 


An  Englishman's  Portraits  of  Old  Abe 

« To  say  that  he  is  ugly,  is  nothing ;  to  add  that  his  fig- 
ure is  grotesque,  is  to  convey  no  adequate  impression. — 
Fancy  a  man  six  feet  high,  and  then  out  of  proportion ; 
with  long  bony  arms  and  legs,  which  somehow  seem  to  be 
always  in  the  way ;  with  great  rugged  furrowed  hands, 
which  grasp  you  like  a  vice  when  shaking  yours ;  with  a 
long  snaggy  neck,  and  a  ckest  too  narrow  for  the  great 
arms  at  its  side.  Add  to  this  figure  a  head  cocoa-nut 
shaped  and  somewhat  too  small  for  such  a  stature,  covered 
with  reugh,  uncombed  and  uncomable  hair,  that  stands  out 
in  every  direction  at  once  ;  a  face  furrowed,  wrinkled  and 
indented,  as  though  it  had  been  scarred  by  vitrol ;  a  high 
narrow  forehead  ;  and  sunk  deep  beneath  bushy  eyebrows, 
two  bright,  dreamy  eyes,  that  seem  to  gaze  through  you 
without  looking  at  you ;  a  few  irregular  blotches  of  black 
bristly  hair,  in  the  place  where  beard  and  whiskers  ought 
to  grow ;  a  close-set,  thin- lipped,  stern  mouth,  with  two 
rows  of  large  white  teeth,  and  a  nose  and  ears  which  have 
been  taken  by  mistake  from  a  head  of  twice  the  size. — 
Clothe  this  figure,  then,  in  a  long,  tight,  badly-fitting  suit 
of  black,  crease.d,  soiled  -and  puckered  up  at  every  salient 
point  of  the  figure  (and  every  point  of  this  figure  is  salient) 
put  on  large,  ill-fitting  boots,  -gloves  too  long  for  the  long 
bony  fingers,  and  a  fluffy  hat,  covered  to  the  top  with 
dusty,  puffy  crape  ;  and  then  add  to  this  an  air  of  strength, 
physical  as  well  as  moral,  and  a  strange  look  of  dignity 
coupled  with  all  this  grotesqueness ;  and  you  will  have  the 
impression  left  upon  me  by  Abraham  Lincoln.' 


29 


An  American's  Portrait  of  Father  Abraham. 

In  character  and  culture  he  is  a  fair  representative  of 
the  average  American.  His  awkward  speech  and  yet  more 
awkward  silence,  his  uncouth  manners,  self-taught  and 
partly  forgotten,  his  style  miscellaneous,  concreted  from 
the  best  authors,  like  a  reading  book,  and  yet  oftentimes 
of  Saxon  force  and  classic  purity ;  his  argument,  his  logic 
a  joke  ;  both  unseasonable  at  times  and  irresistable  always  ; 
his  questions  answers,  and  his  answers  questions ;  his 
guoeses  prophecies,  and  fuliillment  ever  beyond  his  prom- 
ise ;  honest  yet  shrewd  ;  simple  yet  retiscent ;  heavy  yet 
energetic;  never  despairing,  never  sanguine;  careless  in 
forms,  conscientious  in  essentials  ;  never  sacrificing  a  good 
servant  once  trusted ;  never  deserting  a  good  principle 
once  adopted  ;  not  afraid  of  new  ideas,  nor  despising  old 
ones ;  improving  opportunities  to  confess  mistakes,  ready 
to  learn,  getting  at  facts,  doing  nothing  when  he  knows 
not  what  to  do ;  hesitating  at  nothing  when  he  sees  the 
right;  lacking  the  recognized  qualifications  of  a  party 
leader,  and  leading  his  party  as  no  other  man  can ;  sus- 
taining his  political  enemies  in  Missouri  in  their  defeat, 
sustaining  his  political  friends  in  Maryland  to  their  victo- 
ry ;  conservative  in  his  sympathies  and  radical  in  his  acts, 
Socratic  in  his  style  and  Baconian  in  his  method  ;  his  reli- 
gion consisting  in  truthfulness,  temperance :  asking  good 
people  to  pray  for  him,  and  publicly  acknowledging  in 
events  the  hand  of  God,  yet  he  stands  before  you  as  the 
type  of  c  Brother  Jonathan,'  a  not  perfect  man  and  yet 
more  precious  than  fine  gold.' 


30  OLD  ABE'S  JOKES, 


Thf  Pretldtnt  In  Society. 

*  On  the  occasion  when  the  writer  had  the  honor  of 
meeting  the  President,  the  company  was  a  small  one,  with 
most  of  whom  he  was  personally  acquainted.  He  was 
much  at  his  ease.  There  was  a  look  of  depression  about 
his  face,  which  was  habitual  to  him  even  before  his  child's 
death.  It  was  strange  to  me  to  witness  the  perfect  terms 
of  equality  on  which  he  appeared  to  be  with  everybody. 
Occasionally  some  of  his  interlocutors  called  to  him :  <  Mr. 
President,5  but  the  habit  was  to  address  him  simply  as :  « Sir.' 
It  was  not,  indeed,  till  we  were  introduced  to  him  that 
we  were  aware  that  the  President  was  one  of  the  company. 
He  talked  little,  and  seemed  to  prefer  others  talking  to 
him  to  talking  himself ;  but,  when  he  spoke,  his  remarks 
were  always  shrewd  and  sensible.  You  would  never  say 
he  was  a  gentleman  ;  you  would  still  less  say  he  was  not 
one.  There  are  some  women  about  whom  no  one  ever 
thinks  in  connection  with  beauty  one  way  or  the  other ; 
and  there  are  men  to  whom  the  epithet  of  gentleman-like 
or  ungentleman-like  appears  utterly  incongruous ;  and  of 
such  Mr.  Lincoln  is  one.  Still  there  is  about  him  an  ut- 
ter absence  of  pretension,  and  an  evident  desire  to  be  cour- 
teous to  everybody,  which  is  the  essence,  if  not  the  outward 
form,  of  good  breeding.  There  is  a  softness,  too,  alx  ut 
his  smile,  and  a  sparkle  of  dry  humor  about  his  eye,  which 
redeem  the  expression  of  his  face,  and  remind  us  more  of 
the  late  Dr.  Arnold,  as  a  child's  recollection  recalls  him, 
than  of  any  face  we  can  call  to  mind. 

The  conversation,  like  that  of  all  American  official  men 


FRESH   FROM  ABRAHAM'S  BOSOM.  81 

we  have  met  with,  was  unrestrained  in  the  presence  of 
strangers,  to  a  degree  perfectly  astonishing.  Any  remarks 
that  we  heard  made,  as  to  the  present  state  of  affiairs,  we 
do  not  feel  at  liberty  to  repeat,  though  really  every  public 
man  here  appears  not  only  to  live  in  a  glass  house,  but  in 
a  reverberating  gallery,  and  to  be  absolutely  indifferent  as 
to  who  sees  or  hea£p  him.  Tnere  are  a  few  6  Lincolnisms,5 
however,  which  we  may  fairly  quote,  and  which  will  show 
the  style  of  his  conversation.  Some  of  the  party  began 
smoking,  and  our  host  remarked,  laughingly,  <  The  Presi- 
dent has  got  no  vices :  he  neither  smokes  nor  drinks/  'That 
is  a  doubtful  compliment/  answered  the  President  « I  ra- 
collect  once  being  outside  a  stage  in  Illinois,  and  a  man 
sitting  by  me  offered  me  a  cigar.  I  told  him  I  had  no 
rices.  He  said  nothing,  smoked  for  some  Jime,  and  then 
grunted  out,  <  its  my  experience  that  folks  who  have  no 
vices  have  plaguy  few  virtues.'  Again  a  gentleman  pres- 
ent was  telling  how  a  friend  of  his  had  been  driven  away 
from  New  Orleans  as  a  Unionist,  and  how,  on  his  expul- 
sion, when  he  asked  to  see  the  writ  by  which  he  was  ex- 
pelled, the  deputation  which  called  on  him  told  him  that 
the  Government  had  made  up  their  minds  to  do  nothing  il- 
legal, and  so  they  had  issued  no  illegal  writs,  and  simply 
meant  to  make  him  go  of  his  own  free  will.  «  Well,'  said 
Mr.  Lincoln,  « that  reminds  me  of  a  hotel  keeper  down  at 
St.  Louis,  who  boasted  he  never  had  a  death  in  his  hotel, 
for  whenever  a  guest  was  dying  in  his  house  he  carried  him 
out  to  die  in  the  street.' 


32  OLD  ABE'S  JOKES, 


Mr.  Lincoln's  Daily  Life. 

•  Mr.  Lincoln  is  an  early  riser,  and  he  thus  is  able  to  de- 
vote two  or  three  hours  each  morning  to  his  voluminous 
private  correspondence,  besides  glancing  at  a  city  paper. 
At  nine  he  breakfasts — then  walks  over  to  the  .war  office, 
to  read  such  war  telegrams  as  they  give  him,  (occasionally 
some  are  withheld,)  and  to  have  a  chat  with  General  Hal- 
leek  on  the  military  situation,  in  which  he  takes  a  great  in- 
terest. Returning  to  the  white  house,  he  goes  through 
with  his  morning's  mail,  in  company  with  a  private  secre- 
tary, who  makes  a  minute  of  the  reply  which  he  is  to  make 
— and  others  the  President  retains,  that  he  may  answer 
them  himself.  Every  letter  receives  attention,  and  all 
which  are  entitled  to  a  reply  receive  one  uo  matter  how 
they  are  worded,  or  how  inelegant  the  chirography  may  be- 

Tuesday  and  Fridays  are  cabinet  days,  but  on  other 
days  visitors  at  the  white  house  are  requested  to  wait  in 
the  anti-chamber,  and  send  in  their  cards.  Sometimes, 
before  the  President  has  finished  reading  his  mail  Louis 
will  have  a  handful  of  pasteboard,  and  from  the  cards  laid 
before  him  Mr.  Lincoln  has  visitors  ushered  in,  giving  pre- 
cedence to  acquaintances.  Three  or  four  hours  do  they 
pour  in,  in  "rapid  succession,  nine  out  of  ten  asking  offices, 
and  patiently  does  the  president  listen  to  their  application. 
Care  and  anxiety  have  furrowed  his  rather  homely  features, 
yet  occasionally  he  is  '  reminded  of  an  anecdote'  and  good 
humored  glances  beam  from  his  clear,  grey  eyes,  while  his 
ringing  laugh  shows  that  he  is  not  '  used  up'  yet.  The 


FRESH    FROM   ABRAHAM'S   BOSOM.  33 

simple  and  natural  manner  in  which  he  delivers  his 
tkoughts  makes  him  appear  to  those  visiting  him  like  an 
earnest,  affectionate  friend.  He  makes  little  parade  of 
his  legal  science,  and  rarely  indulges  in  speculative  propo-. 
eitions,  but  states  his  ideas  in  plain  Angle-saxon,  illumina- 
ted by  nany  lively  images  and  pleasing  allusions,  which 
seem  to  f.ow  as  if  in  obedience  to  a  resistless  impulse  of 
his -nature.  Some  newspaper  admirer  attempts  to  deny 
that  the  President  tells  stories.  Why,  it  is  rarely  that  any 
one  is  in  his  company  for  fifteen  minutes  without  hearing  a 
good  tale,  appropriate  to  the  subject  talked  about.  Many 
a  metaphysical  argument  docs  he  demolish  by  simply  telling 
an  anecdote,  which  exactly  overturns  the  verbal  structure. 
About  four  o'clock  the  President  declines  seeing  any 
more  company,  and  often  accompanies  his  wife  in  her  car- 
riage to  take  a  drive.  He  is  fond  of  horseback  exercise» 
and  when  passing  the  summers'  home  used  generally  to  go 
in  the  saddle.  The  President  dines  at  six,  and  it  is  rare 
that  some  personal  friends  do  not  grace  the  round  dining 
table  where  he  throws  off  the  cares  of  office,  and  reminds 
those  who  have  been  in  Kentucky  of  the  old  school  gentle- 
man who  used  to  dispense  generous  hospitality  there. — 
From  the  dinner  table  the  party  retire  to  the  crimson  draw- 
ing room,  where  coffee  is  served,  and  where  the  President 
passes  the  evening,  unless  some  dignitary  has  a  special  in- 
terview. Such  is  the  almost  unvarying  daily  life  of  Abra- 
ham Lincoln,  whose  administration  will  rank  next  in  im- 
portance to  that  of  Washington  in  our  national  annals.' 


84  OLD  ABE'S  JOKES, 


Personal  Habits  of  the  President, 

Those  who  know  the  habits  of  President  Lincoln  are 
not  surprised  to  hear  of  his  personal  visit  to  some  general, 
nor  would  any  such  be  astonished  to  know  that  he  was  in 
New  York  at  any  time.  If  he  wanted  to  see  anything  or 
anybody,  he  would  be  as  likely  to  coine  on  as  to  send.  He 
has  an  orbit  of  his  own,  and  no  one  can  tell  where  he  will 
be  or  what  he  will  do,  from  anything  done  yesterday.  If 
he  wants  a  newspaper  he  is  quite  as  likely  to  go  out  and 
jjet  it  as  he  is  to  send  a/ter  it.  If  he  want's  to  see  the  Sec- 
retary of  State,  he  generally  goes  out  and  makes  a  call, 
retary  of  State,  he  generally  goes  out  and  makes  a  call. — 
At  night,  from  ten  to  twelve,  he  usually  makes  a  tour  all 
around — now  at  Seward's  and  then  at  Halleck's  ;  and  if 
Burnside  was  nearer,  he  would  see  him  each  night  before 
he  went  to  bed.  Those  who  know  his  habits  and  want  to 
see  him  late  at  night,  follow  him  round  from  place  to  place, 
and  the  last  search  generally  brings  him  up  at  Gen.  Hal- 
leck's, as  he  can  get  the  latest  army  intelligence  there — 
Whoever  else  is  asleep  or  indolent  the  President  is  wide 
awake  and  around. 

Beneath  all  the  playfulness  of  his  mind  burns  a  solemn 
earnestness  of  patriotism;  amid  his  prudence  a  great  cour- 
age ;  in  all  his  gentleness  and  compliance  a  determined 
grasp  of  the  reins,  and  a  firmness  not  inferior  to  General 
Jackson's,  though  without  its  passion  and  caprice.  He  is 
a  wise,  true,  sagacious,  earnest  and  formidable  leader.' 


FRESH  FROM   ABRAHAil'8   BOSOM.  35 


Several  Little  Stories, 
BY  AND  ABOUT   PRESIDENT  LINCOLN. 

*  It  would  be  hardly  necessary  to  inform  the  nation  that 
x)ur  President,  in  the  midst  of  the  anxieties  of  a  state  of 
war  that  continually  torture  his  mind,  is  wont  to  find  oc- 
casional relief  in  an  appropriate  anecdote  or  well-turned 
jest. 

No  man,  says  Mrs.  Stowe,  has  suffered  more  and  deeper, 
albeit  with  a  dry,  weary,  patient  pain,  that  seemed  to  some 
like  insensibility,  than  President  Lincoln.  *  Whichever 
way  it  ends/  he  said  to  the  writer,  « I  have  the  impression 
that  /  shan't  last  much  longer  after  it  is  over.' 

After  the  dreadful  repulse  of  Fredericksburg,  he  is  re- 
ported to  have  said :  « If  there  is  a  man  out  of  Hell  that 
suffers  more  than  I  do,  I  pity  him.'  In  those  dark  days 
his  heavy  eyes  and  worn  and  weary  air  told  how  our  re- 
verses wore  upon  him,  and  yet  there  was  a  never-failing 
fund  of  patience  at  the  bottom,  that  sometimes  rose  to  the 
Surface  in  some  droll,  quaint  saying  or  story,  that  forced  a 
laugh  even  from  himself. 


Old  Abe  Consulting  the  Splritf. 

A  Washington  correspondent  of  the  Boston  Saturday 
Evening  Gazette,  gives  the  following  account  of  a  spiritual 
manifestation  at  the  White  House : 

« A  few  evenings  since  Abraham  Lincoln,  the  President 
of  the  United  States,  was  induced  to  give  a  Spiritual  soiree 
in  the  crimson  room  at  the  White  House,  to  test  the  won- 


36  OLD  ABE'S  JOKES, 

derful  alleged  supernatural  powers  of  Mr.  Charles  E. 
Shockle.  It  was  my  good  fortune  as  a  friend  of  the  medi- 
um to  be  present,  the  party  consisting  of  the  President, 
Mrs.  Lincoln,  Mr.  Welles,  Mr.  Stanton,  Mr.  L.,  of  New 
York,  and  Mr.  F.,  of  Philadelphia.  We  took  our  seats  in 
the  circle  about  eight  o'clock,  but  the  President  was  called 
ivvay  shortly  after  the  manifestations  commenced,  and  the 
spirits,  which  had  apparently  assembled  to -convince  him  of 
their  power,  gave  visible  tokens  of  their  displeasure  at 
the  President's  absence,  by  pinching  Mr.  Stanton's  ears 
and  twitching  Mr.  Welles' beard.  The  President  soon  re- 
turned, but  it  was  some  time  before  harmony  was  restored, 
for  the  mishaps  to  the  Secretaries  caused  such  bursts  of 
laughter,  that  the  influence  was  very  unpropitious.  For 
Bomo  half  hour  the  demonstrations  were  of  a  physical  char- 
acter— tables  were  moved,  and  a  picture  of  Henry  Clay, 
which  hangs  on  the  wall,  was  swayed  more  than  a  foot,  and 
two  candelab/as,  presented  by  the  Dey  of  Algiers  to  Pres- 
ident Adams,  were  twice  raised  nearly  to  the  ceiling. 

It  was  nearly  nine  o'clock  before  Shockle  was  fully  under 
spiritual  influence,  and  so  powerful  were  the  subsequent 
manifestations  that  twice  during  the  evening  restoratives 
were  applied,  for  he  was  much  weakened,  and  though  I 
took  no  notes,  I  shall  endeavor  to  give  you  as  faithful  an 
account  as  possible  of  what  took  place. 

Loud  rappings  about  nine  o'clock  were1  heard  directly 
beneath 'the  President's  feet,  and  -Mr.  Shockle  stated  that 
an  Indian  desired  to  communicate. 

5  Well,  sir,'  said  the  President,  « I  should  be  happy  to 
hear  what  his  Indian  majesty  has  to  say.  We  have  recent- 
Jy  had  a  visitation  from  our  red  brethren,  and  it  was  the 


FRESH    FROM   ABRAHAM'S   BOSOM.  37 

only  delegation,  black,  white  ©r  blue,  which 'did -not  volun- 
teer some  advice  about  the  conduct  of  the  war/ 

The  medium  then  called  for  pencil  and  paper,  and  they 
were  laid  upon  the  table  in  sight  of  all.  A  handkerchief 
was  then  taken  from  Mr.  Stanton,  and  the  materials  were 
carefully  concealed  from  sight.  In  less  space  of  time  than 
it  has  required  me  to  write  this,  knocks  were  heard,  and 
the  paper  was  uncovered.  To  the  surprise  of  all  present, 
it  read  as  follows : 

"  Haste  makes  waste,  but  delays  cause  vexations.  Give 
vitality  by  energy.  Use  every  means  to  subdue.  Procla- 
mations are  useless.  Make  a  bold  front  and  fight  the  enemy, 
leave  traitors  at  home  to  the, care  of  the  loyal  men.  Less 
note  of  preparation,  less  parade  and  policy-talk  and  more 
action.  HENRY  KNOX/' 

6  That  is  not  Indian  talk,  Mr.  Shockle/  said  the  Presi- 
dent. s  Who  is  Henry  Knox  T 

I  suggested  to  the  medium  to  ask  who  General  Knox 
was,  and  before  the  words  were  from  my  lips,  the  medium 
spoke  in  a  strange  voice,  «  The  first  Secretary  of  War.' 

4  Oh,  yes,  General  Knox/  said  the  President,  who  turn- 
ing to  the  Secretary,  said,  « Stanton,  that  message  is  for 
you — it  is  from  your  predecessor/ 

Mr.  Stanton  made  no  reply. 

<  I  should  like  to  ask  General  Knox,'  said  the  President, 
£  if  it  is  within  the  scope  of  his  ability  to  tell  us  when  this 
rebellion  will  be  put  down/ 

In  the  same  manner  as  before  this  message  was  received; 

'  Washington,  Lafayette,  Franklin,  Wilberforce,  Napo* 
leon  and  myself  have  held  frequent  consultations  upon  this 


38  OLD  ABE'S  JOKES, 

point.  There  is  something  which  our  spiritual  eyes  cannot 
detect  which  prevents  rapid  consummation  of  plans  which 
appear  well  formed.  Evil  has  come  at  times  by  removal 
of  men  from  high  positions,  and  there  are  those  in  retire- 
ment whose  abilities  should  be  made  useful  to  hasten  the 
end.  Napoleon  says  concentrate  your  forces  upon  one 
point,  Lafayette  thinks  that  the  rebellion  will  die  of  ex- 
haustion, Franklin  sees  the  end  approaching  as  the  South 
must  give  up  for  want  of  mechanical  ability  to  compete 
against  Northern  mechanics,  Wilberforce  sees  hope  only  in 
a  negro  army.  KNOX.' 

<  Well/  exclaimed  the  President,  «  opinions  differ  among 
the  saints  as  well  as  among  the  sinners.  They  don't  seem 
to  understand  running  the  machine  among  the  celestials 
much  better  than  we  do.  Their  talk  and  advice  sound  very 
much  like  the  talk  of  my  cabinet — don't  you  think  so  Mr. 
Welles?' 

« Well,  I  don't  know — I  will  think  the  matter  over  and 
see  what  conclusions  I  arrive  at.' 

Heavy  raps  were  heard  and  the  alphabet  was  called  for 
when  «  That's  what's  the  matter'  was  spelled  out. 

There  was  a  shout  of  laughter,  and  Mr.  Welles  stroked 
his  beard. 

'  That  means,  Mr.  Welles/  said  the  President,  « that  you 
are  apt  to  be  long-winded,  and  think  the  nearest  way  home 
is  the  longest  round.  Short  cuts  in  war  times.  I  wish 
the  spirits  would  tell  us  how  to  catch  the  Alabama/ 

The  lights  which  had  been  partially  lowered  almost  in- 
stantaneously become  so  dim  that  I  could  not  see  sufficient- 
ly to  distinguish  the  features  of  any  one  in  the  room,  and 
on  the  large  mirror  over  the  mantel-peice  there  appeared 


FRESH   FROM  ABRAHAM'S   BOSOM.  30 

the  most  beautiful  though  supernatural  picture  eye  ever  be- 
held. It  represented  a  sea-view,  the  Alabama  with  all 
steam  up  flying  from  the  pursuit  of  another  large  steamer. 
Two  merchantmen  in  the  distance  were  seen  partially  des- 
troyed by  fire.  The  picture  changed  and  the  Alabama  was 
Been  at  anchor  under  the  shadow  of  an  English  fort — from 
which  an  English  flag  was  flying.  The  Alabama  was 
floating  idly,  not  a  soul  on  board,  and  no  signs  of  lif$  vis- 
ible about  her. 

The  picture  vanished  and  in  letters  of  purple  appeared, 
« The  English  PEOPLE  demand  this  of  England's  ARISTO- 
CRACY.' 

'  So  England  is  to  seize  the  Alabama  finally  ?'  said  the 
President.  'It  may  be  possible,  but  Mr.  Welles,  don't 
let  one  gunboat  or  one  monitor  less  be  built.' 

The  spirits  again  called  for  the  alphabet,  and  again 
<  That's  what's  the  matter'  was  spelt  out. 

6 1  see,  I  see,'  said  the  President.  4  Mother  England 
thinks  that  what's  sauce  for  the  goose  may  be  sauce  for 
the  gander.  It  may  be  tit,  tat,  too  hereafter  But  it  is 
not  very  complimentary  to  our  Navy  anyhow/ 

'  We've  done  our  best,  Mr.  President/  said  Mr.  Welles. 
6  I'm  maturing  a  plan,  which,  when  perfected,  1  think  if  it 
works  well,  will  be  a  perfect  trap  for  the  Alabama.' 

«  Well,  Mr.  Shockle/  remarked  the  President,  « I  havs 
ieen  strange  things  and  heard  rather  odd  remarks  but 
nothing  which  convinces  me,  except  the  pictures,  that  there 
is  anything  very  heavenly  about  all  this.  I  should  like 
if  possible,  to  hear  what  Judge  Douglas  says  about  this 
war.' 

6  I'll  try  to  get  his  spirit/  said  Mr.  Shockle,  *  but  it 


OLD   ABE'S   JOKES, 

sometimes  happens,  as  it  did  to-night  in  the  case  of  the 
Indian,  that  though  first  impressed  by  one  spirit,  I  yield 
to  another  more  powerful.  If  perfect  silence  is  maintain- 
ed, I  will  see  if  we  cannot  induce  General  Knox  to  send 
for  Mr.  Douglas.' 

Three  raps  were  given,  signifying  assent  to  the  proposi- 
tion. Perfect  silence  was  maintained,  and  after  an  in- 
terval of-  perhaps  three  minutes,  Mr.  Shockle  rose  quickly 
from  his  chair 'and  stood  behind  it,  resting  his  left  arm  on 
the  back,  his  right  thrust  into  his  bosom.  In  a  voice  such 
as  no  one  could  mistake  who  had  ever  heard  Mr.  Douglas, 
he  spoke.  I  shall  not  pretend  to  quote  the  language.  It 
was  eloquent  and  choice.  He  urged  the  President  to  throw 
aside  all  advisers  who  hesitated  about  the  policy  to  be  pur- 
sued, and  to  listen  to  the  wishes  of  the  people,  who  would 
sustain  him  at  all  points,  if  his  aim  was,  as  he  believed  it 
was,  to  restore  the  Union.  He  said  there  were  Burrs  and 
Blenderhassetts  still  living,  but  that  they  would  wither 
before  the  popular  approval,  which  would  follow  one  or 
two  victories,  such  as  he  thought  must  take  place  ere  long. 
The  turning  point  in  this  war  will  be  the  proper  use  of 
these  victories ;  if  wicked  men  in  the  first  hours  of  suc- 
9ess  think  it  time  to  devote  their  attention  to  party,  the 
war  will  be  prolonged,  but  if  victory  is  followed  up  by 
energetic  action  all  will  be  well. 

<  I  believe  that,'  said  the  President,  «  whether  it  comes 
from  spirit  or  human.' 

Mr.  Shockle  was  much  prostrated  after  this,  and  at  Mrs. 
Lincoln's  request  it  was  thought  best  to  adjourn  the  seance 
sine  die. 


FRESH  FROM  ABRAHAM'S  BOSOM.  41 


"  Too  Cussed  Dirty." 

The  following  story  is  often  told  of  Father  Abraham 
abeut  two  contrabands,  servants  of  General  Kelly  and 
Capt.  George  Harrison.  When  the  General  and  his  staff 
were  on  their  way  up  the  mountains  they  stopped  at  a 
little  village  to  get  something  to  eat.  They  persuaded 
the  occupant  of  the  farm-house  to  cook  them  a  meal,  and 
in  order  to  expedite  matters,  sent  the  two  contrabands 
mentioned  to  assist  in  preparing  the  repast.  After  it  was 
over  the  General  told  the  negroes  to  help  themselves. 
An  hour  or  two  afterward  he  observed  them  gnawing 
away  at  some  hard  crackers  and  flitch. 

4  Why  didn't  you  eat  your  dinner  at  the  village  ?.* 
asked  the  General  of  one  of  them. 

6  Well,  to  tell  the  God's  trufe,  General,  it  wos  too  cus- 
sed dirty  !'  was  the  reply. 


Old  Abe  on  Bayonets. 

« You  can't  do  anything  with  them  Southern  fellows, 
the  old  gentleman  at  the  table  was  saying.  { If  they  get 
whipped  they'll  retreat  to  them  Southern  swamps  aud 
bayous  along  with  the  fishes  and  crocodiles.  You  haven't 
got  the  fish-nets  made  that'll  catch  'em.'  'Look  here,  old 
gentleman  !'  screamed  old  Abe,  who  was  sitting  along  side 
'  We've  got  just  the  nets  for  traitors,  in  the  bayous  or 
anywhere.  'Hey? — what  nets?'  £  Bayou.nets  ?9  and 
Abraham  pointed  his  joke  with  a  fork,  spearing  a  fishball 
savagely. 


OLD  ABE'S 


Old  Abe  as  a  Mathematician. 

Mr.  Lincoln  has  a  very  effective  way  sometimes  of  deal- 
ing  with  men  who  trouble  him  with  questions.  Somebody 
asked  him  how  many  men  the  rebels  had  in  the  field.  He 
replied  very  seriously,  *  Twelve  hundred  thousand,  accord- 
ing to  the  best  authority.'  The  interrogator  blanched  in 
the  face,  and  ejaculated  <My  God!'  «Yes,  sir,  twelve 
hundred  thousand — no  doubt  of  it.  You  see,  all  of  our 
Generals,  when  they  get  whipped,  say  the  enemy  outnum- 
bers them  from  three  or  five  to  one,  and  I  must  believe 
them.  We  have  four  hundred  thousand  men  in  the  field, 
and  three  times  four  make  twelve.  Don't  you  see  it?' 
The  inquisitive  man  looked  for  his  hat  soon  after  c  seeing 
it' 


Father  Abe  on  the  Wooden-legged  Amateur. 

Old  Abe,  once  reminded  of  the  enormous  cost  of  the 
war,  remarked,  ah,  yes !  that  reminds  me  of  a  wooden 
legged  amateur  who  iiappened  to  be  with  a  Virginia  skir- 
mishing party  when  a  shell  burst  near  him,  smashing  his 
artificial  limb  to  bits,  and  sending  a  piece  of  iron  through 
the  calf  of  a  soldier  near  him.  The  soldier  « grinned  and 
bore  it'  like  a  man,  while  the  amateur  was  loud  and  em- 
phatic in  his  lamentation.  Being  rebuked  by  the  wound^ 
ed  soldier,  he  replied :  «  Oh,  yes  ;  its  all  well  enough  for 
you  to  bear  it.  Your  leg  didn't  cost  you  anything,  and 
will  heal  up ;  out  I  paid  two  hundred  dollars  for  mine !' 


FRESH   FROM  ABRAHAM'S  BOSOM.  43 


Lincoln  Teaching  the  Soldier's  How  to  Surrender  arms. 

As  the  members  of  one  of  our  volunteer  companies  were 
being  practiced  in  the  musket-drill,  a  gentleman,  who, 
although  not  of  the  corps,  was  acting  as  Lieutenant  for 
the  day,  said  :  *  I  will  teach  you  the  manner  of  surrender- 
ing arms,  so  in  case  you  ever  have  to  do  it,  you  will  know 
how  to  do  it  gracefully/  Mr.  Lincoln  standing  near,  im- 
mediately responded :  c  Hold  on,  Lieutenant ;  I'll  teach 
them  that  myself.'  Ho  seized  a  musket  from  a  soldier 
standing  near,  and  raised  it  to  his  shoulder  a  moment,  as 
if  in  the  act  of  firing  upon  an  enemy  ;  then  letting  it  drop 
from  his  hand,  he  imitated  the  action  of  a  man  shot 
through  the  heart,  staggered  heavily  forward,  and  fell 
upon  the  piece.  He  sprang  up  again  in  a  moment  and 
cried  ;  » That's  the  way  to  surrender  arms !'  A  tremen- 
dous shout  broke  from  the  ranks.  *  That's  the  kind  we 
learn — surrender  and  die  at  the  same  time ;  never  mind 
the  grace  of  it.  And  the  *  grace  of  it'  was  discarded.' 


Abe's  Curiosity. 

Father  Abraham  says  he  lately  discovered  in  an  old 
drawer  which  had  not  been  opened  for  years,  a  remarka- 
ble silver  coin,  which  had  on  one  side  a  head  with  the 
word  « Liberty'  surrounded  by  thirteen  stars,  and  the  date 
1860.  On  the  opposite  was  an  eagle  with  the  motto 
<  E  Pluribus  Unum/  the  words  «  United  States  of  Ameri- 
ca^' and  the  figures  <  lOc !' 


OLD    ABE'S    JOKES, 


Lincoln  Agreeably  Disappointed.     -  < 
Mr.  Lincoln,  as  the  highest  public  officer  of  the  nation 
is  necessarily  very  much  bored  by  all  sorts  of  people  call- 
ing upon  him. 

An  officer  of  the  Government  called  one  day  at  the 
White  House,  and  introduced  a  clerical  friend.  4  Mr 
President,'  said  he,  {  allow  me  to  present  to  you  my  friend 

the  Rev.  Mr.  F.  of .     Mr.  F.  has  expressed  a  desire 

to  see  yoii  and  have  some  conversation  with  ycu,  and  lam 
happy  to  be  the  means  of  introducing  him.'  The  Presi- 
dent shook  hands  with  Mr.  F.,  and  desiring  him  to  be 
seated  took  a  seat  himself.  Then — his  countenance  hav- 
ing assumed  an  air  of  patient  waiting — he  said;  "*T  am 
now  ready  to  hear  what  you  have  to  say.'  {  0,  bless  you, 
sir/  said  Mr.  F., « I  have  nothing  especially  to  say.  I  mere- 
ly called  to  pay  my  respects  to  you,  and,  as  one  of  the 
million,  to  assure  you  of  my  hearty  sympathy  and  support.' 
« My  dear  sir,'  said  the  President,  rising  promptly — his 
face  showing  instant  relief,  and  with  both  hands  grasping 
that  of  his  visitor,  « I  am  very  glad  to  see  you,  indeed.  / 
thought  you  had  come  to  preach  to  me  V 

Secesh  Lady. 

A  Secesh  lady  of  Alexandria,  who  was  ordered  away 
into  Dixie  by  the  Government,  destroyed  all  her  furniture 
and  cut  down  her  trees,  so  that  the  *  cursed  Yankees'  should 
not  enjoy  them.  Lincoln  hearing  of  this,  the  order  was 
countermanded,  and  she  returned  to  see  in  her  broken 
penates,  the  folly  of  her  conduct. 


FRESH    FROM   ABRAHAM'S   BOSOM.  45 

ONE  OF  ABE'S  LAST. — «  I  can't  say  for  certain  who  will 
be  the  people's  choice  for  President,  but  to  the  best  of  my 
belief  it  will  be  the  successful  candidate.' 


The  following,  although  not  belonging  to  Father  Abe. 
is  not  so  bad : 

Gen.  Hindman's  mode  of  financiering. 

Gen.  Hindman,  had  resolved  to  go  into  the  neighboring 
State  of  Arkansas,  d  etermined  to  raise  a  forced  loan  of 
one  million  dollars  from  the  banks  of  Memphis,  four  in 
number.  None  of  the  moneyed  inhabitants  gave  very 
cheerful  accord  to  the  demand.  The  President  of  one  of 
•them  hesitated  some  time,  and  finally  told  the  General  that 
he  could  not  accommodate  him. 

« I  must  have  it,'  said  the  general. 

6  By  what  authority  do  you  demand  it?'  asked  the  bank 
president. 

6  By  the  authority  of  the  sword,'  replied  Hindman. 

( Of  course  I  cannot  resist  that/  said  the  financial  man. 

6 1  should  think  not,7  responded  the  rebel  commander. 

And  so  it  turned  out.  The  money  was  taken  out  6f  the 
bank  vaults  by  a  party  of  rebel  soldiers  detailed  by  Hind- 
man for  that  purpose. 


4 1  feel  patriotic,'  said  an  old  rowdy.  e  What  do  yon 
by  feeling  patriotic?'  inquired  the  President,  who 
was  standing  by.  c  Why,  I  feel  as  if  I  wanted  to  kill 
somebody  or  steal  something.'  « The  Tennessee  authori- 


46  OLD  ABB'S  JOKES,  ' 

ties  felt  the  same  kind  of  patriotism  on  the  Fourth  of 
July;  and  as  they  didn't  like  to  venture  upon  killing  any 
body ;  they  stole  the  trains  of  the  Louisville  and  Nash- 
ville Railroad. 


Old  Abe's  story  of  New  Jersey. 

One  terribly  stormy  night  in  bleak  December,  a  United 
States  vessel  was  wrecked  off  the  coast  of  Jersey,  and 
every  soul  save  one,  went  down  with  the  doomed  craft. 
This  one  survivor  seized  a  floating  spar  and  was  washed 
toward  the  shore,  while  innumerable  kind-hearted  tools 
of  the  Camden  and  Amboy  railroad  clustered  on  the  beach 
with  boats  and  ropes.  Slowly  the  unhappy  mariner  drift- 
ed to  land  and  as  he  exhaustedly  caught  at  the  rope 
thrown  to  him,  the  kindly  natives  uttered  an  encouraging 
cheer.  « You  are  saved  !J  they  shouted.  '  You  are  saved, 
and  must  show  the  conductor  your  ticket!'  With  the  sea 
still  boiling  about  him,  the  drowning  stranger  resisted  the 
efforts  to  haul  him  ashore.  'Stop!'  said  he,  in  faint 
tones  *  tell  me  where  I  am  !  What  country  is  this  ?'  They 
Answered  'New  Jersey/  Scarcely  had  the  name  been  ut- 
tered when  the  wretched  stranger  let  go  the  rope,  ejacu- 
lating, as  he  did  so,  '  I  guess  I'll  float  a  little  farther !' 


Swearing  a  Contraband. 

The  President  often  tells  the  following,  which  may  be 
considered  rich.  Company  K,  of  the  first  Iowa  Cavalry, 
stationed  in  Tennessee,  received  into  their  camp  a  middle- 
aged  but  vigorous  contraband.  Innumerable  questions 


FRESH   FROM  ABRAHAM'S   BOSOM.  47 

* 

were  being  propounded  to  him,  when  a  corporal  advanced 
observing, — *  See  here,  Dixie,  before  you  can  enter  the 
service  of  the  United  States  you  must  be  sworn.' 

'  Yes,  massa,  I  do  dat,'  he  replied ;  when  the  corporal 
continued : 

«  Well  then,  take  hold  of  the  Bible,'  holding  out  a  letter 
envelope,  upon  which  was  delineated  the  Goddess  of  Lib- 
erty, standing  on  a  Suffolk  pig,  wearing  the  emblem  of 
our  country.  The  negro  grasped  the  envelope  cautiously 
with  his  thumb  and  finger,  when  the  corporal  proceeded 
to  administer  the  oath  by  saying: 

4  You  do  solemnly  swear  that  you  will  support  the  Con- 
stitution of  the  United  States,  and  see  that  there  are  no 
grounds  floating  upon  the  coffee  at  all  times.' 

1  Yes,  massa,  I  do  dat,'  he  replied  ;  *  I  allers  settle  him 
in  de  coffee-pot.' 

Here  he  let  go  the  envelope  to  gesticulate  by  a  down- 
ward thrust  of  his  forefinger  the  direction  that  would  be 
given  to  the  coffee  grounds  for  the  future. 

4  Never  mind  how  you  do  it,'  shouted  the  corporal,  *  but 
hold  on  to  the  Bible/ 

« Lordy  massa,  I  forgot/  said  the  negro,  as  he  darted 
forward  and  grasped  the  envelope  with  a  firmer  clutch, 
when  the  corporal  continued : 

*  And  you  do  solemnly  swear  that  you  will  support  ths 
Constitution  of  all  loyal  States,  and  not  gpit  upon  the 
plates  when  cleaning  them,  or  wipe  them  with  your  shirt- 
sleeves.' 

Here  a  frown  lowered  upon  the  brow  of  the  negro,  his 
eyes  expanded  to  their  largest  dimensions,  while  his  lips 
protruded  with  a  rounded  form  as  he  exclaimed : 


48  OLD  ABE'S  JOKES. 

'Lordy,  massa,  I  never  do  dat.  I  allers  washes  Mm 
nice.  '  Ole  missus  mighty  'ticler  'bout  dat.' 

« Never  mind  ole  missus/  shouted  the  corporal,  as  he 
resumed :  «  and  do  you  solemnly  swear  that  you  will  put 
milk  into  the  coffee  every  morning,  and  see  that  the  ham 
-and  eggs  are  not  cooked  too  much  or  too  little.' 

6  Yes,  I  do  dat,  I-se  a  good  cook/ 

6  And  lastly/  continued  the  corporal,  { you  do  solemnly 
swear  that  when  this  war  is  over  you'll  make  tracks  for 
Africa  mighty  fast/ 

6  Yes,  massa,  I  do  dat.  I  allers  wanted  to  go  to  Chee- 
cargo 

Hfcio  the  regimental  drum  beat  up  for  dress  parade, 
when  Tom  Benton — that  being  his  name — was  declared 
duly  sworn  in  and  commissioned  as  chief-cook  in  Company 
K.  of  the  first  Iowa  Cavalry. 


The  Jeff.  Davis  Confederacy  is  getting  so  hard  up  for 
troops,  that  it  has  commenced  the  seizure  of  tobacco-chew- 
era,  in  order  to  secure  their  «  old  soldiers.' 


Lincoln  and  Col.  Weller. 

Weller  was  at  Washington  settling  his  accounts  as 
Minister  to  Mexico.  After  their  adjustment,  he  concluded 
to  pay  his  respects  to  Mr.  Lincoln,  with  whom  he  had 
served  in  Congress.  He  called  at  the  Presidential  man- 
sion, and  was  courteously  received.  { Mr.  President,'  said 
Colonel  Weller,  f  I  have  called  on  you  to  say  that  I  most 
heartily  endorse  the  conservative  position  you  have  {^uitiCx 


FiiKSIT    FROM    ABRAHAM'S    BOSOM.  49 

and  will  stand  by  you  as  long  as  you  prosecute  the  war  for 
the   preservation  of  the   Union  and  the  Constitution,'— 

•  Colonel  Weller,'  said  the  President,  '  I  am  heartily  glad 
to  hear  you  say  this.'     *  Yes,  Mr.  President,'  said  Weller, 

•  I  desire- an  appointment  to  aid  in  this  work.'     «  What  do 
you  want,  Colonel?'   asked    Abraham.     *J  desire  to  be  ap- 
pointed Commodore  in  the  Navy,9  said  Weller.     The  Presi- 
dent repled  :  « Colonel,  I  did  not  think  you  had  any  ex- 
perience as  a  sailor,'     <  I  never  had,  Mr.  President,'  said 
Weller  ;  «  but,  judging   from  the  Brigadier-Generals  you 
have  appointed  in  Ohio,  the  less  experience  a  man  has,  the 
higher   position   he   attains.'     Lincoln  turned  off  with  a 
hearty  laugh,  and  said  :  '  I  owe  you  one,  Colonel !' 


Mrs.  Lincoln's  Bonnet. 

'  Burleigh,'  e  gets  off '  the  following  gossip  about  a  bon- 
net for  Mrs.  Lincoln : 

About  the  same  number  of  cities  that  contended — 

"  For  Homer  dead, 
Throngh  which  the  living  Homer  begged  his  bread." 

are  contending  for  the  honor  of  furnishing  a  hat  for  the 
head  that  reclines  on  Abraham's  bosom.  In  New  York, 
from  Canal  street  to  Fourteenth,  from  Philadelphia  to 
Bangor,  can  be  seen  on  exhibition  a  « Bonnet  for  Mrs. 
President  Lincoln.'  These  establishments  send  on  and 
notify  Mrs.  L.  that  they  have  a  love  of  a  bonnet,  which 
they  are  desirous  to  present  to  her  as  a  testimonial  of  their 
loyalty  and  great  regard  for  her  personally.  The  amiable 
and  kind*hearted  lady  of  the  White  House  (for  such  she  is) 
condescends  to  accept  the  gift,  and  at  once  *Mfg«  Lincoln'* 


OLD    ABE'S   JOKES. 

Hat,*  is  on  exhibition,  and  crowds  flock  to  see  it.  And 
such. a  hat!  a  condensed  milliner's  stock  in  trade,  arched 
high  enough  to  admit  a  canal  boat  under  it,  scalloped, 
fluted  and  plaited,  loaded  with  bugles,  birds  of  Paradise, 
.French  lace  and  gewgaws  known  by  name  only  to  the 
trade,  black  and  white  crape,  with  a  mingling  of  ribbons 
of  all  hues,  and  as  many  contradictions  as  there  are  in  a, 
glass  of  punch.  A  fit  capstone  to  the  cranium  of  a  '  Madge 
Wildfire.'  Mrs.  Lincoln  may  wear  all  these  bonnets,  but 
judging  from  the  specimen  I  saw,  '  uneasy  lies  the  head  that 
wears '- — such  a  bonnet 


Honest  Abe's  Replies. 

Old  Abe  being  asked  what  he  had  done  for  his  country, 
made  the  following  reply: 

1st.  I  confiscated  their  cotton,  but  in  return  gave  them 
« Wool/ 

2d.  I  have  exercised  a  •  Foslcr-ing '  care  over  North 
Carolina. 

3d.  I  gave  them  a  l  Pope '  to  control  their  misguided 
zeal. 

4th.  Notwithstanding  the  financial  condition  of  their 
country,  I  established  '  Banks  '  in  New  Orleans. 

5th.  I  furnished  them  with  a  6  Butler '  and  «  Porter/ 

6th.  When  the  slaves  in  South  Carolina  fled  from  their 
masters,  I  sent  them  a  Hunter,'  who  found  them  by  hun- 
dreds. 

7th.  When  they  invaded  Pennsylvania  to  reap  a  har- 
vest, I  fnrnished  the  '  Sickles '  and  gave  them  c  Meade '  to 
cool  taeir  heated  blood. 


FRESH    FROM    ABRAHAM'S    BOSOM.  51 


The  Presidential  Hymn  of  Thanks. 

Miles  O'Rielly,  the  soldier  who  was  arrested  on  Morri? 
Island,  S.  C.,  for  making  poetry,  and  pardoned  by  the 
President,  in  response  to  a  witty  poetical  petition,  has  sent 
a  hymn  of  thanks  to  the  President,  beginning ; 

"  Long  life  to  you,  Misther  Lincoln  ; 

May  you  die  both  late  and  aisy  ; 
An'  whin  you  lie  wid  the  top  of  aich  toe 
•  Turned  up  to  the  roots  of  a  daisy,. 
May  this  be  youi  epitaph,  nately  writ : 

k  Though  thraitors  abused  him  vilely, 
He  was  honest  an'  kindly,  he  loved  a  joke, 

An'  he  pardoned  Myles  O'Rielly.'  " 


What  Old  Abe  says  of  Tennessee. 

It  is  a  fertile  country,  and  the  people  are  putting  in 

crops  after  a  fashion,  and  under  difficulties.     He  asked  a 

lady  from  there  not  long  ago, 

'  Will  you  make  a  crop  of  cotton  this  year  V 

«  I  am  going  to  try.' 

4  How  many  hands  have  you  got  T 

*  One  woman.'  • 

It  struck  me,  says  Abe,  that  a  crop  of  cotton  *  made  '  by 

one  female  citizen  of  African  descent  would  not  be  what  la 

generally  nominated  a  '  BIG  THING. 


52  OLD   ABB'S  JOKES, 


A  Patriotic  (?)  Darkey. 

Our  President  also  tells  the  following  story : 

Upon  the  hurricane  deck  of  one  of  our  gunboats,  an 
elderly  darkey,  with  a  very  philosophical  and  retrospec- 
tive cast  of  countenance,  squatted  upon  his  bundle,  toast- 
ing his  shins  against  the  chimney  and  apparently  plunged 
into  a  state  of  profound  meditation.  Finding  upon  inquiry 
that  he  belonged  to  the  Ninth  Illinois,  one  of  the  most  gal- 
lantly behaved  and  heavy  losing  regiments  at  the  Fort 
Douelson  battle,  and  part  of  which  was  aboard,  began  to 
interrogate  him  upon  the  subject: 
.  «  Were  you  in  the  fight?' 

«  Had  a  little  taste  of  it'  sa.' 

<  Stood  your  ground,  did  you?' 

*  No,  sa,  I  runs.' 

1  Run  at  the  first  fire,  did  you  ?' 

1  Yes,  sa,  and  would  hab  run  soona,  had  I   knowd   it 
war  comin.' 

*  Why,  that  wasn't  very  creditable  to  your  courage/ 
^  *  Dat  isn't  rny  line,  sa — cookin's  my  profeshun.' 

1  Well,  but  have  you  no  regard  for  your  reputation?' 
1  Reputation's  nuffin  to  me  by  de  side  ob  life.' 

*  Do  you  consider  your  life  worth  more  than  other  peo- 
ple's ?'        • 

'  It's  worth  more  to  me,  sa.' 

'  Then  you  must  value  it  very  highly  ?' 

*  Yes,  sa,  1  does,  more  dan  all  dis  wuld,  more  dan  a  mil- 
liau  ob  dollars   sa,  for  what  would  dat  be  wuth  to  a  muu 


FRESH   FROM    ABRAHAM'S    BOSOM.  §3 

wid  de  bref  out  obhim  ?  Self-preserbation  am  de  fust  law 
wid  me.' 

'  But  why  should  you  act  upon  a  different  rule  from  other 
men  ?' 

4  Because  different  men  set  different  values  upon  their 
lives;  mine  is  not  in  de  market.' 

u  But  if  you  lost  it,  you  would  have  the  satisfaction  oi 
knowing  that  you  died  for  your  country.' 

'  What  satifaction  would  dat  be  to  to  me  when  de  powei 
of  feelin'  was  gone  ?' 

*  Then  patriotism  and  honor  are  nothing  to  you  ?' 

*  Nufin  whatever,  sa — I  regard  them  as  among  the  vaui 
ties.' 

*  If  our  soldiers  were  like  you,  traitors  might  have  broker 
up  the  government  without  resistance.' 

4  Yes,  sa,  dar  would  hab  been  no  help  for  it.  I  wouldnt 
put  my  life  in  de  scale  'ginst  any  gobernment  dat  eber  ex- 
isted, for  no  gobernment  could  replace  de.loss  to  me.' 

£  Do  you  think  any  of  your  company  would  have  missed 
you  if  you  had  been  killed  ? 

4  Maybe  not,  sa— a  dead  white  man  ain't  much  to  desa 
sogers,  let  alone  a  dead  nigga — but  I'd  a  missed  myself 
and  dat  was  de  pint  wid  me.' 


o — 


Old  Abe  a  Coward. 

If  Lincoln  should  be  renominated  for  the  Presidency, 
why  would  he  be  a  cowardly  aiitagonigt  ?  Because  he 
would  be  sure  to  run. 


OLD  ABE'S 


Abraham  Advise sthe  "Springs/1 

It  is  stated  that  Old  Abe  being  much  disgusted  at  the 
crowd  of  officers  who  some  time  ago  used  to  loiter  about 
the  Washington  hotels,  and  he  is  reported  to  have  remark- 
ed to  a  member  of  Congress :  "  These  fellows  and  the  Con- 
gressmen  do  vex  me  sorely,  they  should  certainly  visit  the 
4  Springs.' 


Lincoln  'Mctalic    Ring.' 

The  new  fractional  notes  have  upon  the  face  a  faint  oval 
ring  6f  bronze  encircling  the  vignette.  Upon  being  asked 
its  use,  Mr.  Lincoln  said:  « It  was  a  faint  attempt  on  the 
part  of  Mr.  Chase  to  give  the  currency  a  metalic  ring.' 


Abe  tells  the  following  story  about  a  drunken  captain 
who  met  a  private  of  his  company  in  the  same  condition. 
The  captain  ordered  him  to  'halt,'  and  endeavoring  in  vain 
to  assume  a  firm  position  on  his  feet,  and  to  talk  with  dig- 
nified severity,  exclaimed :  «  Private  Smith,  111  give  you 
tl  )hic)  four  o'clock  to  gissober  in."  «  Cap'n,'  replied  the 

soldier,  *  as  you'r  (hie) sight  drunkerniam,  I'll  give 

you  tl  five  o'clock  to  gissober  in.' 


Old  Abe  tells  the  following  anecdote  of  a  prisoner,  a 
Union  soldier,  a  droll-looking  fellow.  I  accosted  him 
with,  <  Well,  my  fine  fellow,  what  are  you  in  here  for  ?' 


FRESH    FROM    ABRAHAM'S   BOSOM.  55 

'  For  taking  something,'  he  replied.  'What  do  you  mean?' 
4  Why,'  said  he,  «  one  morning  I  did  not  feel  very  well,  and 
went  to  see  the  surgeon.  He  was  busy  writing  at  the 
time,  and  when  I  went  in  he  looked  at  me,  saying,  <  Well, 
you  do  look  bad ;  you  had  better  take  something/  He 
then  went  on  with  his  writing,  and  left  me  standing  be- 
hind him.  I  looked  around,  and  saw  nothing  I  could  take 
except  his  watch,  and  I  took  that.  That's  what  I  am  in 
here  for.' 


A  Good  Word  for  Mr.  Lincoln. 

It  is  some  amends  for  the  ridicule  which  has  been  un- 
sparingly heaped  by  certain  presses  upon  Mr.  Lincoln, 
that  the  London  Spectator,  one  of  the  most  intelligent  and 
most  respectable  journals  in  Europe,  finds  occasion  for  the 
following  words  about  him  : 

6  Mr.  Lincoln  has  been  treated,  as  few  governors  hare 
ever  been  treated,  and  although  he  may  not  always  have 
risen  fully  to  the  level  of  a  great  emergency,  he  has  sel- 
dom failed  to  display  a  noble  impartiality,  a  great  firm- 
ness of  purpose,  and  a  sagacious,  if  somewhat  utilitarian 
judgment.  We  believe  a  juster  man  never  held  the  reins 
of  government*' 


Sinecure  vs  Water-oure. 


1  The  private  secretary  of  the  President  is  a  wag.  A 
young  man  decidedly  inebriated,  walked  into  the  c^ecu- 
tive  mansion  and  asked  for  the  President. 


5(5  OLD    ABE'S   JOKES, 

6  What  do  you  want  with  him  ?'  inquired  the  Secretary. 

*  Oh,  I  want  un  office  with  a  good  salary  -a  sinecure.' 

*  Well,'  replied   the  Secretary,  k   I   can  tell  you   some- 
thing better  lor  you  than  a  sinecure — you  had  better  try 
water  cure.' 

A.  new   idea  seemed  to  strike  the  young  inebriate  and 
he  vamosed. 


The  Negro  in  a  Hogshead. 

Abe  often  laughs  over  the  following : 

A  curious  incident,  which  escaped  general  attention  at 
the  time  of  its  occurrence,  happened  at  police  headquar- 
ters during  the  riot.  While  President  Acton  was  giving 
some  final  orders  to  a  squad  of  men  who  were  just  leaving 
to  combat  the  crowd  in  First  avenue,  a  wagon  containing 
a  hogshead  was  driven  rapidly  up  to  the  Mulberry  street 
door,  by  a  lad  who  appeared  much  excited  and  almost 
breathless. 

<  What  have  you  there,  my  lad  T  said  the  President. 

<  Supplies  for  your  men/  was  the  answer. 
«  What  are  they  ?' 

'  It  is  an  assorted  lot,  sir  ;  but  the  people  says  it's  con- 
traband.' 

Being  exceedingly  busy,  the  President  ordered  the  wa- 
gon to  be  driven  round  to  the  Mott  street  entrance,  where 
an  officer  was  sent  to  look  after  the  goods.  When  the 
wai>-on  arrived  the  officers  were  about  to  tip  the  cask  out, 
but  where  prevented  by  the  boy,  who  exclaimed  i 

*  Wait  a  minute*  bring  me  a  hatchet'     A  hatchet  was 


FRESH    FROM    ABRAHAM'S   BOSOM.  57 

brought,  and  the  little  fellow  set  to  work  unheading  the 
cask,  and  as  he  did  so  the  officers  were  astonished  to  see 
two.  lull  grown  negroes  snugly  packed  inside.  Upon  being 
assured  by  the  lad  that  they  were  safe  they  raised  their 
heads,  took  a  long  snuff  of  fresh  air,  and  exclaimed,  'Bress 
cle  Lord:!' 

The  boy  stated  that  the  rioters  had  chased  the  poor  un- 
fortunates into  the  rear  of  some  houses  on  the  west  side  of 
the  town,  and  that  they  had  escaped  by  staling  a  fence 
and  landing  in  a  grocer's  yard  ;  that  the  grocer^  was 
friendly  to  them,  but  feared  his  place  might  be  sacked  if 
they  were  found  there,  He  accordingly  hit  upon  this 
novel  plan  of  getting  them  out,  and  while  he  kept  watch 
in  front  the  boy  coopered  the  negroes  up.  The  cask  was 
then  rolled  out  like  a  hogshead  of  sugar,  placed  in  the 
wagon  and  driven  off  to  Mulberry  street.  The  colored 
heroes  of  this  iidventurc  may  still  be  found  at  police  head- 
quarters, thankful  to  the  ingenuity  and  daring  of  those 
who  suggested  and 'carried  out  this  singular  method  of  sav- 
ing them  from  violence.' 

_  o — 

Mr.  Lincoln's  Kind-Heartedness. 

'Anlncident  connected  with  Mr.  Shultz  illustrates  the 
kind-heartedness  01'  Mr.  Lincoln  On  his  return  from  his 
former  imprisonment,  on  parole,  young  Shultz  was  sent  to 
Camp  Parole,  at  Alexandria.  Having  had  no  furlough 
siiiL-o  tho  war,  efforts  were  made,  without  success,  to  get 
him  liberty  to  pay  a  brief  visit  to  his  friends;  but  having 
faith  in  the  warm-heat  U-dness  of  the  President,  the  young 
soldier's  widowed  mother  wrote  to  Mr.  Lincoln,  stating 


58  OLD    ABP/8   JOKES, 

that  he  had  been  in  nearly  every  battle  fought  by  the  army 
of  the  Potomac,  had  never  asked  a  furlough,  was  now  a 
paroled  prisoner,  and  in  consequence  unable  to  perform 
active  duties,  that  two  of  his  brothers  had  also  served  in 
the  army,  and  asking  that  he  be  allowed  to  visit  home, 
that  she  might  see  him  once  more.  Her  trust  in  the  Pres- 
ident was  not  unfounded.  He  immediately  caused  a  fur- 
lough to  be  given  to  her  son,  who,  shortly  before  he  was 
exchanged,  visited  his  family,  to  their  great  surprise  and 

joy. 


"Dat's  what  Skeered  'em  so  bad!" 

Says  Lincoln,  « We  were  passing  along  the  wharves  a 
few  days  ago,  wondering  at  the  amount  of  business  that 
was  there  transacted.  While  standing  observing  a  cargo 
of  horses  being  transferred  from  a  vessel  to  the  shore,  an 
« old  contraband'  appeared  at  our  elbow,  touching  his  fur 
hat,  and  scraping  an  enormous  foot.  He  opened  his  bat- 
tery upon  us  with  the  following: 

'  Well,  boss,  how  is  yer  ?' 

'  Pretty  well,  daddy  ;  how  are  you  ?' 

*  I'se  fuss  rate,  I  is.     B'long.to  Old  Burnemside's  boys, 
does  yer?' 

*  Yes,  I  belong  to  that  party.      Great  boys,  ain't  they  V 
1  Well  I  thought  yer  b'longed  to  dat  party.     Great  man, 

he  is,  dat's  sartin.  Yes,  sir.  We  waited  and  waited  ;  we 
heard  yer  was  coming'  but  we  mos  guv  yer  up.  'Deed  we 
jest  did  ;  but  one  mornin5  we  heard  de  big  guns,  way  down 
ribber,  go  bang,  bang,  bang,  and  de  folks  round  yer  began 
to  cut  dar  stick  mitey  short,  and  trabble  up  de  rail  track. 


FRESH    FROM    ABRAHAM'S   BOSOM.  59 

Den  bress  de  good  Lord,  we  knowed  yer  was  coming,  but 
we  held  our  jaw.     Bymeby  de  sojers   begun   to  cut  dar 
stick,  too,  and  dey  did  trabble !     Goramity,   'pears  dey 
made  de  dirt  fly!     Ya,  ha!' 
*  Why,  were  they  scared  so  bad  ?' 

'  De  sogers  didn't  skeer  urn  so  much  as  dem  black  boats. 
Rase,  yer  see,  de  sojers  shot  solid  balls,  and  dey  not  mind 
dem  so  much ;  but  when  dem  boats  say  b-o-o-m,  dey 
knowd  de  rotten  balls  was  comin,  and  they  skeeted  quick- 
ern  a  streak  of  litenin.' 

1  What!  rotten  balls  did  the  boats  throw  at  them  ¥ 
1  Dont  yer  know  ?  What,  dem  balls  dat  are  bad,  dar 
rotten  ;  iiy  all  to  bits — 'deed  does  dey — play  de  very  deb- 
bil  wid  yer.  No  dodgin'  dem  dere  balls  :  '  kase  yer  dun- 
no  whare  dey  f.y  too — strike  yah  and  fly  yandah  ;  dat's 
what  skeered  'em  so  bad!' 

<  Well,  what  are  you  going  to  do  when  the  war's  over  ¥ 
4  Dunno,  'praps   I  goes   Noff  wid   dis   crowd.     Pretty 
muck  so,  I  guess.     Tears  ter  me  dis  child  had  better   be 
movinV 


The  Darned  Thing. 

«  The  following  was  told  of  a  soldier  wounded  by  a  shell 
from  Fort  Wagner.  He  was  going  to  the  rear  with  a 
mutilated  arm. 

'  Wounded  by  a  shell  ?'  he  was  asked. 

*  Yes  /  he  coolly  answered,  '  I  was  right  under  the  darn- 
ed thing  when  the  bottom  drooped  out,' 


60  OLD  ABE'S  JOKES. 


The  President  shaking  hands  with  Wounded  Rebels. 

A  correspondent,  who  was  with  the  President  on  the 
occasion  of  his  recent  visit  to  Frederick,  Md.,  tells  the 
following  incident: 

'  After  leaving  Gen.  Richardson,  the  party  passed  a 
house  in  which  was  a  large  number  of  confederate  wound- 
ed. By  request  of  the  President,  the  party  alighted  and 
entered  the  building.  Mr.  Lincoln,  after  looking,  remark- 
ed to  the  woundH  confederates  that  if  they  had  no 
objection  he  would  be  pleased  to  take  them  by  the  hand. 
He  said  the  solemn  obligations  which  we  owe  to  our  coun- 
try and  posterity  compel  the  prosecution  of  this  war,  and 
it  followed  that  many  were  our  enemies  through  uncon- 
trollable circumstances  and  he  bore  them  no  malice,  and 
could  take  them  by  the  hand  with  sympathy  and  good  feel- 
ing. After  a  short  silence  the  confederates  came  forward, 
and  each  silently  but  fervently  shook  the  hand  of  the 
President.  Mr.  Lincoln  and  Gen.  McClellan  then  walked 
forward  by  the  side  of  those  who  were  wounded  too 
severely  to  be  able  to  arise,  and  bid  them  to  be  of  good 
cheer ;  assuring  them  that  every  possible  care  should  be 
bestowed  upon  them  to  ameliorate  their  condition.  It 
was  a  moving  scene,  and  there  was  not  a  dry  eye  in  the 
building,  either  among  the  nationals  or  confederates. 
Both  the  President  and  Gen.  McClellan  were  kind  in 
their  remarks  and  treatment  of  the  rebel  sufferers  during 
this  remarkable  interview/ 


*  Pedlar  made  to  swallow  his  own  Pies. 

We  have  read  frequent  allusions  to  the  rough  points  in 
the  character  of  General  Nelson,  who  has  succeeded,  we 
believe,  to  the  command  of  Gen.  Mitchell's  division.  The 
following  account  of  one  of  his  performances  sounds  so 
much  like  other  things  alleged  of  him,  that  we  suspect  it 
may  be  accounted  at  least  half  true,  and  may  not  be  out 
of  place  in  Old  Abe's  Jokes  : 

Gen.  Nelson,  the  commander  of  our  division,  occasion- 
ally comes  dashing  through  camp,  bestowing  a  gratuitous 
cursing  to  some  offender  and  .is  off  like  a  shot.  He  is  a 
great,  rough,  profane  old  fellow — has  followed  the  seas 
many  years.  He  has  a  plain,  good,  old  fashioned  fire- 
place kindness  about  him  that  is  always  shown  to  those 
that  do  their  duty.  But  offenders  meet  with  no  mercy  at 
his  hands.  The  General  hates  pedlars.  There  are  many 
that  come  about  the  camp  selling  hoe-cakes,  pies,  milk, 
<fec.,  at  exorbitant  prices.  Cracker-fed-soldiers  are  free 
with  their  inonev  ;  they  will  pay  ten  times  the  value  of  au 
article  if  they  want  it.  The  other  dtiy  the  General  came 
across  a  pedlar  selling  something  that  he  called  pies,  not 
the  delicious  kind  of  pies  that  our  Northern  mothers  »ake 
— the  very  thought  of  which  even  now  makes  me  home 
sick — but  an  indigestible  combination  of  flattened  dough 
and  wolly  peaches,  minus  sugar,  minus  spice,  minus  every- 
thing that  is  good — any  of  which  the  General  swore 
would  kill  a  hyena  deader  than  the  devil.  *  What  do 
you  charge  for  those  pies?1  belched  out  the  General. 
*  Fifty  cents  apiece/  responded  the  pie-man.  *  Fifty  cents 


gg  OLD   ABE'S    JOKES, 

.'!}jiuce,  for  pies,'  roared  the  General.  «  Now,  you  infernal 
swindling  pirate,'  roared  he,  letting  fly  one  of  his  great 
rifled  oaths,  that  fairly  made  the  fellow  tremble,  « I  want 
you  to  go  to  work  and  cram  every  one  of  those  pies  down 
you  as  quick  as  the  Lord  will  let  you.  Double  quick,  you 
villain.'  Expostulations,  appeals,  or  promises  were  of  no 
avail,  and  the  pedlar  was  forced,  to  the  great  amusement 
of  the  soldiers,  to  down  half  a  dozen  of  his  own  pies — all 
he  had  left.  «  Now,'  said  the  General  to  the  fellow,  after 
he  had  finished  his  repast,  and  stood  looking  as  death- like 
as  tlio  certain  doctor  that  was  forced  to  swallow  his  o\%n 
medicine — *  leave,  and  if  eve'r  I  catch  you  back  here 
again,  swindling  iny  men,  I'll  hang  you/  The  man  do- 
parted. 


Old  Abe  occasionally  Browses  Around, 

A  party  of  gentlemen,  among  whom  was  a  doctor  of  di- 
vinity of  great  comeliness  of  manner  called  at  the  White 
House,  to  pay  their  respects  to  the  President.  On  inquir- 
ing for  that  dignitary,  the  servant  informed  them  that  the 
President  was  at  dinner,  but  he  would  present  their 
cards.  The  doctor  demurred  to-this,  saying  they  would 
not  disturb  Mr.  Lincoln,  but  would  call  again.  Michael 
-persisted  in  assuring  them  it.  would  make  no  difference  to 
the  President,  and  bolted  in  with  the  cards.  In  a  few 
minutes,  the  President  walked  into  the  room,  with  a  kind, 
ly  salutation,  and  a  request  that  the  friends  would  take 
seats.  The  doctor  expressed  his  regret  that  their  visit 
was  so  ill-timed,  and  that  his  Excellency  was  disturbed 
while  at  dinner.  «0!  no  consequence  at  all,'  said  the, 


FJIKSH     FKOM     ABHAM.AMS    BOSOM.  f$3 

jjood-imtureil  Mr.  Lincoln:  'Mrs.  Lincoln  is  absent  at 
present,  and  when  she  ig  away,  I  generally  browse 
around.' 


Mr.  Lincoln  and  the  Barber. 

The  other  day  a  distinguished  public  officer  was  at 
Washington,  and  in  an  interview  with  the  President,  in- 
troduced tlie  question  of  slavery  emancipation.  <  Well, 
you  see,}  said  Mr.  Lincoln,  4  we've  got  to  be  mighty 
cautious  how  we  manage  the  negro  question.  If  we're 
not  we  shall  be  like  the  barber  out  in  Illinois,  who  was 
shaving  a  fellow  with  a  hatchet  face  and  lantern  jaws 
like  mine.  The  barber  stuck  his  finger  in  his  customer's 
mouth  to  make  his  cheek  stick  .out,  but  while  shaving 
away  he  cut  througli  the  fellow's  cheek  and  cut  off  hii 
own  finger!  If  we  don't  play  mighty  smart  about  tk« 
nigger  we  shall  do  as  the  barber  did.' 


Old  Abe  on  the  "  Compromise." 

When  the  conversation  turned  upon  the  discussions  as  to 
the  Missouri  Compromise,  it  elicited  the  following  quaint 
remark  from  the  President :  « It  used  to  amuse  ILS  some 
(sic)  to  find  that  the  slave  holders  wanted  more  territory; 
because  they  had  not  room  enough  for  their  slaves,  and  yet 
they  complained  of  not  having  the  slave  trade,  because 
«  they  wanted  more  slaves  for  their  room.' 


OLD  ABE'P  JOKES, 


Old  Abe  on  Banks'  Expedition. 

When  Gen.  Banks  was  fitting  out  his  expedition  to  New 
Orleans,  it  will  be  remembered  that  the  Preident  used  to 
answer  all  questions  as  to  its  destination  with  great  frank- 
ness, bj  saying  that  it  was  going  South. 

. .  *' 

<% 

Sufficient  Cause  for  Furlough. 

President  Lincoln  received  the  following  pertinent  letter 
from  an  indignant  private,  which  speaks  for  itself:  "  Dear 
President — I  have  been  in  the  service  eighteen  months,  and 
1  have  never  received  a  cent.  I  desire  a  furlough  for 
fifteen  days,  in  order  to  return  home  and  remove  my  family 
to  the  poor  house/  The  President  granted  the  furlough. 
It's  a  good  story  and  true. 


-o — 


The  President  on  "  Mud." 

By  special  permission  of  the  «  Censor  of  the  Press,'  we 
are  allowed  to  mention  that  the  President,  on  alighting 
from  his  carriage,  after  his  late  Aquia  Creek  excursion, 
remarked,  '  that  it  was  all  nonsense  to  say  Virginia  was 
disaffected,  as  he  had  found  it  &  Clay  State  up  to  tkt* 
Lub.' 


FRESH    FROM   ABRAHAM'S   BOSOM.  65 


Lincoln  on  his  Cabinet  "  Help." 

A  prominent  senator  was  remonstrating  with  Mr.  Lin- 
coln a  few  days  ago  about  keeping  Mr.  Chase  in  his  Cab  i- 
net,  when  it  was  well  known  that  Mr.  C.  is  opposed,  tootli 
and  nail,  to  Mr.  Lincoln's  re-election. 

4  Now,  see  hore,'  said  the  President,  ;  when  I  was  elect- 
ed I  resolved  to  hire  my  four  Presidential  rivals,  pay  them 
their  wages,  and  be  their  '  boss.'  These  were  Seward, 
Chase,  Cameron  and  Bates  ;  but  I  got  rid  of  Cameron  after 
he  had  played  himself  out.  As  to  discharging  Chase  or 
Seward,  don't  talk  of  it.  I  pay  them  their  wages  and  am 
their  boss,  wouldn't  let  either  oi  them  out  on  the  loose  for 
the  fee  simple  of  the  Alrnaden  patent.' 


Mr.  Lincoln  and  the  Millerite. 

A  gentleman,  it  is  said,  sometime  ago  hinted  to  the  Pre- 
sident that  it  was  deemed  quite  settled  that  he  would 
accept  a  re-nomination  for  his  present  office,  whereupon  Mr. 
'Lincoln  was  reminded  of  a  story  of  Jesse  Dubois,  out  in 
Illinois.  Jesse,  as  State  Auditor,  had  charge  of  the  State 
House  at  Springfield.  An  itinerant  preacher  came  along 
and  asked  the  use  of  it  for  a  lecture.  '  On  what  subject  ?' 
asked  Jesse.  *  On  the  second  coming  of  our  Saviour,'  an- 
swered the  long-faced  Millerite.  .  'Oh,  bosh,'  retorted 
uncle  Jesse,  testily,  « I  guess  if  our  Saviour  had  ever  been 
to  Springfield,  and  had  £Ot  away  with  his  life,  he'd  be  too 
smart  to  think  of  coming  back  again.'  This,  Mr.  Lincolu 
•laid,  was  very  much  ki*  va»e  about  the  succession. 


66  OLD  ABR'S  .TOKRS. 


A  Good  One  by  Old  Abe. 

The  President  is  rather  vain  of  his  height,  but  one  day 
a  young  man  called  on  him  who  was  certainly  three  inches 
taller  than  the  former ;  he  was  like  the  mathematics ! 
definition  of  the  straight  line,  length  without  breadth. 
'  Really,'  said  Mr.  Lincoln,  4  J  must  look  up  to  you  ;  if  you 
ever  get  into  a  deep  place  you  ought  to  be  able  to  wade* 
out 

o 


Tanning   Leather. 

During  the  siege  of  Vicksburg,  several  politicians  called 
upon  General  Grant  to  talk  about  political  matters.  Gen. 
Grant  listened  to  them  for  a  few  moments,  and  then  inter- 
rupted them,  saying:  'There  is  no  use  of  talking  about 
politics  to  me.  1  know  nothing  about  the  subject,  and 
furthermore,  I  don't  know  of  any  person  among  my  acquain- 
tance who  does.  But  there  is  one  subject  with  which  I  arn 
acquainted,  talk  of  that,  and  I  am  your  man,'  4  What  is 
that,  General?'  asked  the  politicians,  in  surprise.  'Tan- 
ning leather,'  replied  General  Grant.  General  Grant's 
lather  was  a  wealthy  tanner  out  west,  before  the  rebellion, 
and  the  General  assisted  in  conducting  the  business. 


FRESH    FROMABRAHAM  S    BOSOM.  67 


Southern  '•  Happiness." 

Old  Abe  declares,  in  epigrammatic  phase,  « the  only 
happy  people  in  the  Confederacy  are  those  who  have  black 
hearts  or  black  skins.' 

Reduced  to  plainer  English,  this  confession  means  that 
the  rebel  rulers  and  the  rebel  speculators  are  all  rascals 
together,  and  that  the  blacks  are  never  happy  until  they 
begin  to  run  away  from  such  contaminating  influences. 


Lincoln's  Advice. 

President  Lincoln  is  not  so  far  weighed  down  by  th« 
«ares  of  his  office  that  he  cannot  still  tell  a  good  story. 
He  is  greatly  bothered,  as  a  matter  of  course,  by  men  who 
have  got  some  patent  plan  for  conqueriing  the  rebels.  One 
man  has  an  invention  which,  if  applied  to  our  ships,  will 
enable  them  to  batter  down  every  rebel  fort  on  the  entire 
southern  coast.  Another  has  a  river  gunboat,  which  can 
eail  straight  down -the  Mississippi,  without  the  fear  of  a 
rebel  shell  or  ball,  and  so  on.  A  few  days  ago  a  western 
farmer  sought  the  President  day  after  day,  until  he  pro- 
cured the  much-desired  audience.  He,  too,  had  a  plan  for 
the  successful  prosecution  of  the  war,  to  which  Mr.  Lincoln 
listened  as  patiently  as  he  could.  When  he  was  through, 
he  asked  the  opinion  of  the  President  upon  his  plan. 
'Well,'  said  Mr.  Lincoln,  « I'll  answeT  by  telling  you  a 
story.  You  have  heard  of  Mr.  Blank,  of  Chicago?  He 


68  OLD  ABE'S  JOKES, 

was  an  immense  loafer  in  his  way,  in  fact,  never  did  any- 
thing in  his  life.  One  day  he  got  crazy  over  a  great  rise 
in  the  price  of  wheat  upon  which  many  wheat  speculators 
gained  large  fortunes.  Blank  started  off  one  morning  to 
one  of  the  most  successful  of  the  wheat  speculators,  and 
with  much  enthusiasm  laid  before  him  a  <  plan'  by  which 
he,  the  said  Blank,  was  certain  of  becoming  independently 
rich.  When  he  had  finished,  he  asked  the  opinion  of  his 
hearer  upon  his  plan  of  operations.  The  reply  came  as 
follows  :  '  My  advice  is  that  you  stick  to  your  bitsiness.' 
6  But,'  asked  Blank,  « what  is  my  business  ?'  <  I  don't 
know,  I'm  sure,  what  it  is,'  says  the  merchant,  'but  what- 
ever it  is  I  would  advise  you  to  stick  to  it/'  And  now,  said 
Mr.  Lincoln,  *  I  mean  nothing  offensive,  for  I  know  you 
mean  well,  but  I  think  you  had  better  stick  to  your  busi- 
ness and  leave  the  war  to  those  who  have  the  responsibili- 
ty of  managing  it !'  Whether  the  former  was  satisfied 
or  not  I  cannot  say,  but  he  did  not  tarry  long  in  the  Presi- 
dential mansion. 


Old  Abe  Appoints  a  General. 

One  of  the  new  levies  of  troops  required  the  appoint- 
ment of  a  large  additional  number  of  Brigadier  and  Major 
Generals.  Among  the  immense  number  of  application?!, 
Mr.  Lincoln  came  upon  one  wherein  the  claims  of  a  certain 
worthy  (not  in  the  service  at  all)  '  for  a  generalship '  w^re 
glowingly  set  forth,  Bnt  the  applicant  didn't  specify 
whether  he  wanted  to  be  Brigadier  or  Major  General.  The 
!*r<?fident  observed  this  difficulty,  and  solved  it  by  a  lucid 


FRESH   FROM   ABRAHAM'S    BOSOM.  69 

endorsement.  The  clerk,  on  receiving  the  paper  again, 
found  written  across  its  back,  'Major  General,  1  reckon. 
A.  Lincoln.' 


A  Practical  Joke,  not  exactly  Old  Abe's,  however. 

Quite  a  commotion  was  created  in  a  Bleecker  street 
boarding-house  by  the  arrest  of  two  Southern  gentlemen^ 
Messrs.  Joyce  and  Richardson,  of  Baltimore,  for  violating 
their  parole  and  returning  to  the  North,  after  having  been 
sent  to  Dixie.  On  the  occasion  of  their  last  arrest,  several 
ladies,  residing  at  their  boarding-house,  used  some  very 
expressive  language,  and  rather  tersely  expressed  their 
"  ieelinks"  on  the — to  them— outrageous  manner  the  gov- 
ernment sought  to  vindicate  its  authority.  Doubtless,  all 
the  women  were  perfectly  loyal,  and  each  would  gladly 
take  the  oath  of  allegiance  to  the  government,  or  "  any 
other  man  ;"  but  evidently  some  sarcastic  old  gentleman 
did  not  believe  it,  and  in  order  to  test  the  question  con- 
cocted the  following  letter,  which  was  duly  directed  and 
forwarded  to  the  lady  of  whom  he  appeared  most  sus- 
picious : 

Headquarters  U.  S.  Army, 

No.  —   — —  street, 

New  York,  February  -,  1864. 

Mrs.  — is  respectfully  requested  to  call  at  the  above 

headquarters  within  six  days,  for  examination  on  matters 
of  importance  which  will  then  be  stated  to  her. 
By  Order  of  the  Military  Department, 

A.  S.  JONES, 
Assistant  Adj.-G-eneraL 
this  notice  with  you. 


70  OLD  ABB'S  JOKES, 

On  receipt  of  this  notice,  the  lady,  to  whom  it  was  ad- 
dressed, began  to  feel  some  misgivings.  The  oftener  she 
read  the  mandate  the  more  nervous  she  became,  until  at 
length,  like  a  woman  of  spirit,  she  determined  to  present 
herself  before  the  "  powers  that  be,"  and  await  whatever 
explanation  might  be  given.  Conscious  that  in  no  act  or 
deed  had  she  been  a  disloyal  woman,  she  felt  certain  that 
if  the  military  authorities  had  any  knowledge  of  the  words 
she  had  made  use  of  on  the  occasion  referred  to,  they  would 
overlook  the  hasty  expressions  of  an  affectionate  nature, 
excited  by  the  midnight  arrest  of  those  whom  she  had 
hitherto  looked  upon  as  peaceful,  law-abiding  citizens. 
Accordingly,  the  lady  visited  at  the  number  indicated  in 
the  note,  but  discovered  there  no  signs  of  military  head- 
quarters. On  the  next  block,  in  the  same  street,  were  the 
headquarters  of  General  Dix.  Determined  to  have  a  clear 
record,  the  lady  proceeded  thither.  Being  stopped  by  the 
sentinel,  she  requested  an  audience  with  General  Dix,  and 
in  due  course  found  herself  in  the  presence  of  that  polite 
and  patriotic  officer.  The  interview  was  substantially  as 
follows  : 

Lady  :  I  called,  sir,  to  know  what  this  letter  means. 

General  (after  reading  the  document,  smiling)  :  My  dear 
Madam,  I  am  quite  as  ignorant  as  you  seem  to  be.  There 
is  no  such  person  as  A,  S.  Jones  on  my  staff,  or  to  my 
knowledge  connected  with  the  military  forces  of  the  United. 
Mates,  at  present  on  duty  in  this  city. 

Lady  (very  much  relieved)  :  I  thought  so,  sir,  but  I 
meant  to  be  certain.  I  believe  I  have  been  hoaxed,  sir, 
because  I  am  from  Baltimore,  and  resided  at  the  house 


FRKSH    FROM    ABRAHAM'S    BOSOM.  71 

where  Mr.  Joyce  was  recently  arrested.  Some  wicked 
person  has  sent  me  this  to  annoy  me. 

General :  Doubtless  that  is  the  case,  Madam,  but  I  don't 
see  that  I  can  help  you. 

Lady  :  I  wish  you  could.  I  declare  I  would  get  you  to 
send  a  file  of  soldiers  after  the  scamp  that  has  sent  this 
message  to  me. 

General  (smiling)  :  That  would  indeed  be  an  arbitrary 
arrest  that  I  cannot  be  a  party  to ;  and  your  only  remedy, 
that  I  see,  is  to  be  patient,  until,  perhaps,  the  individual 
himself  shows  his  hand,  and  then  you  may  punish  him 
through  the  civil  law. 

Lady :  Thank  you,  General.  I  am  sorry  I  have  troubled 
you,  but  I  felt  anxious  to  appear  right  in  the  matter. 

General :  No  apologies,  my  dear  Madam. 

Thereupon,  the  General  bowed  the  lady  out,  and,  per- 
haps, smiled  inwardly  at  her  confusion,  as  He  proceeded  to 
transact  his  usual  business.  It  is  unnecessary  to  describe 
the  feelings  of  the  lady  as  she  joyfully  wended  her  way 
homeward,  and  our  reporter  drops  the  curtain  upon  the 
scenes  in  a  certain  private  room  of  that  boarding-house, 

when  Mrs.  W revealed  to  he* confidential  friends  how 

she  had  been  the  victim  of  a  practical  joke.  A  rod  is 
being  pickled  for  the  practical  joker,  and  it  will  be  sur- 
prising if  a  woman's  wit  does  not  find  some  means  of  ap- 
plying it  to  the  back  of  the  mean-spirited  hound. 


Old  Abe  and  His  Tod. 

«For  occasional  sallies  of  genuine  original  wit,  give  us 
a  country  grocery  on  winter  evenings  and  rainy  days,  and 


72  OLD    ABB'S   JOKES, 

the  bar  rooms  of  country  hotels.  As  an  instance  take  the 
following,  which  occurred  in  a  bar-room.  There  was 
quite  a  collection,  and  our  friend  S.,  who  is  a  demix-rui, 
and  friend  M.,  who  is  a  republican,  had  been  earnestly  but 
pleasantly  discussing  politics;  and  as  a  lull  took  place  in 
the  conversation,  S.  spoke  up  as  follows  : 

'M,,  how  many  public  men  are  there  who  are  rea'.'y 
temperance  men  ?' 

'  Oh,  I  don't  know,'  replied  M. 

1  Well,'  said  S.,  <1  don't  know  of  but  one  that  I  can 
speak  positively  of  on  our  side,  and  that  is  General 
Cass.' 

4  Well,'  said  M  ,  promptly,  '  there  is  President  Lincoln 
on  our  side,  certain.' 

'  Guess  not,'  said  L..  incredulously. 

«  Guess  yes,'  replied  M.,  warmly. 

*  But  you  don't  pretend  to  say  that  President  Lincoln  is 
a  temperance  man,'  asked  S. 

'Yes,  I  do,1  answered  M.,  <  and  can  maintain  the  state- 
ment.' 

'  Well,  now  I  tell  you  that  Abraham  Lincoln  is  as  fond 
of  his  tod  as  any  man  living,'  replied  S.,  earnestly,  *  and  1 
can  prove  it  to  you.' 

<  Well,  I  tell  you  that  he  isn't,'  replied  M.,  wh6  began  to 
get  excited ;  *  that  he  is  as  pure  and  strict  a  temperance 
man  as  there  is  in  the  country.' 

.'  I  contend,'  replied  rf.'  with  provoking  coolness,  *  that 
Abraham  Lincoln  is  LO  fond  of  his  tod  that  it  is  the  last 
thing  he  thinks  of  when  he  goes  to  bed,  and  the  first  when 
he  wakes  in  the  mom. nor/ 


FRESH    FROM    ABRAHAM'S    BOSOM.  73 

*  It's  a  confounded  locofoco  lie  /'  exclaimed  M.,  springing 
to  his  feet. 

« Hold  on,  friend  M.,'  said  S.,  « what  was  Lincoln's 
wife's  name  before  she  was  married  ?' 

6  Todd,  by  thunder!'  exclaimed  M.,  jumping  more  than  a 
foot  from  the  floor ;  « boy's  let's  adjourn  to  the  other 
room.' 


-O 


Pluck  to  the  Toe-Nail, 

'  A  wag  thus  describes  the  constitution *of  his  company 
«->f  volunteers: 

6  I'm  captain  of  the  Baldinsville  company.  I  riz  grad- 
ooaly  but  rnajes'icly  from  drummer's  secretary  to  my  pres- 
ent position.  I  determined  to  have  my  company  composed 
excloosively  of  offissers,  everybody  to  rank  as  brigadier- 
general.  As  all  air  comrnandin'  offissers  there  ain't  no 
jelusy  :  and  as  we  air  all  exceedin'  smart,  it  faint  worth 
while  to  try  to  outstrip  each  other.  The  idee  of  a  com- 
pany composed  excloosively  of  commanders-in-chief  ori;ig- 
gernated  I  spose  I  skursely  need  say,  in  this  brane.  Con- 
sidered as  an  idee,  I  flatter  .myself  it's  pretty  heffy — 
We've  got  the  tack  ticks  at  our  tongs' end, 'but  what  we 
pareickly  excol  in  is  restin'  muskits.  We  can  rest  mus- 
kits  with  anybody.  Our  corpse  will  do  its  dooty.  We'll 
be  chopt  into  sassiage  meet  before  we'll  exhibit  our  coat 
tails  to  the  foe»  We'll  fight  till  there's  nothing  left  to  us 
hut  ouf  little  toes,  attd  even  they  eh  all  decently  wriggle*' 


74  OLD  ABE'S  JOKES, 


The  National  Joker  and  the  Nigger  Mathematician. 
A.  gentleman,  who  happened  to  have  an  interview  with 
the  national  joker  just  previous  to  the  battle  of  Gettys- 
burg, ventured  to  turn  the  conversation  on  the  rebel  in- 
vasion of  Pennsylvania,  and  made  the  remark  that  the 
rebels  were  splendidly  armed.  4  There's  no  doubt  of  that,' 
replied  Mr.  Lincoln,  '  because  we  supplied  them  with  the 
best  we  had.'  The  visitor  expressed  a  confident  *  hope, 
however,  that  Meade  would  be  able  to  beat  Lee  and  cap- 
ture his  whole  army.  The  President  grinned  to  the  ut- 
most extent  of  his  classic  mouth,  and  remarked  that  he  was 
afraid  there  would  be  too  much  *  nigger  mathematics '  in 
it.  The  visitor  smiled  at  the  allusion,  as  he  felt  bound  in 
politeness  to  do,  supposing  that  there  must  be  something 
in  it,  though  he  could  not  see  the  point.  *  But  I  suppose 
you  don't  know  what  nigger  mathematics  is,'  continued 
Mr.  Lincoln.  *  Lay  down  your  hat  for  a  minute,  and  I'll 
tell  you.'  He  himself  resumed  the  sitting  posture,  leaned 
back  in  his  chair,  elevated  his  heels  on  the  table,  arid 
went  on  with  his  story.  « There  was  a  darkey  in  my  neigh- 
borhood called  Pompey,  who,  from  a  certain  quickness  in 
figuring  up  the  prices  of  chickens  and  vegetables,  got  the 
reputation  of  being  a  mathematical  genius.  Mr.  Johnson, 
a  darkey  preacher,  heard  of  Pompey,  and  called  to  see 
him.  Hear  ye're  a  great  mat'm'tishun,  Pompey.  Yes, 
sar,  you  jus  try.  Well,  Pompey,  I'ze  compound  a  problem 
in  matmatics.  All  right,  sar.  Now,  Pompey,  s'poee  der 
am  tree  pigeons  sittin  on  a  rail  fenee,  and  you  fire  a  gun 
at  'em  and  shoot  one,  how  many's  left  ?  Two,  ob  coors, 


FRESB    FROM    ABRAHAM'S    BOSOM.  7& 

replies  Pompey,  after  a  little  wool-scratching.  Ya,  ya,  ya, 
laughs  Mr.  Johnson  ;  I  knowed  you  was  a  fool,  Pompey  ; 
dere's  none  left ;  one's  dead,  and  d'udder  two's  flown 
away.  That's  what  makes  me  say,'  continued  Mr.  Lincoln. 
*  that  I'm  afraid  there  will  be  too  much  nigger  mathe- 
matics in  the  Pennsylvania  campaign.'  And  the  result 
showed  that,  in  this  instance  at  least,  the  anecdote  suited 
the  fact.  Lee's  army  was  the  three  pigeons.  One  of  them 
was  taken  down  at  Gettysburg,  but  the  other  two  flew  off 
over  the  Potomac. 


Big  Brindle  and  the  Highfalutin  Colonel. 

President  Lincoln  tells  the  following  story  of  Col.  W 
who  had  been  elected  to  the  Legislature,  and  had  also 
been  judge  of  the  county  court.  His  elevation,  however, 
had  made  him  somewhat  pompous,  and  lu  became  very 
foud  of  using  big  words.  On  his  farm  he  bad  a  very 
large  aud  mischievous  ox  called  '  Big  Brindle,'  which  fre- 
quently broke  down  his  neighbors'  fences,  arid, committed 
other  depredations,  much  to  the  Colonel's  annoyance. 

One  morning  after  breakfast  in  the  presence  of  Mr. 
Lincoln  who  had  stayed  with  him  over  night,  and  who 
was  on  his  way  to  town,  he  called  his  overseer  and  said 
to  him : 

*Mr.  Allen,  I  desire  you  to  impound  Big  Brindle,  in 
order  that  I  may  hear  no  animadversions  on  his  eternal 
depredations.' 

Allen  bowed  and  walked  off,  sorely  puzzled  to  Know 
what  the  Colonel  meant.  So  after  Col.  W.  left  for  town, 


76  OLD   ABE'S    JOKES, 

he  went  to  his  wife  and  asked  her  what  Col.  W.  meant  by 
telling  him  to  impound  the  ox. 

*  Why,  he  meant  to  tell  you  to  put  him  in  a  pen,'  said 
she. 

Allen  left  to  perform  the  feat,  for  it  was  no  incons'ul Ar- 
able one,  as  the  animal  .was  very  wild  and  vic-kms,  and 
after  a  great  deal  of  trouble  and  vexation  succeeded. 

«  Well,'  said  he,  wiping  the  perspiration  from  his  brow, 
and  soliloquizing^  « this  is  impounding,  is  it  ?  Now,  1  am 
dead  sure  that  the  Colonel  will  ask  me  if  I  impounded 
Big  Brindle,  and  I'll  bet  I  puzzle  him  as  he  did  me.' 

The  next  day  the  Colonel  gave  a  dinner  party,  and  as 
he  was  not  aristocratic,  Mr.  Allen,  the  overseer,  sat  down 
with  the  company.  After  the  second  or  third  glass  was 
discussed,  the  Col.  turned  to  the  overseer  and  said  : 

'Eh,  Mr.  Allen,  did  you  impound  Big  Brindle,  sir  ?' 

Allen  straightened  himself,  and  looking  around  at  the 
company  said  : 

«  Yes,  1  did,  sir,  but  old  Brindle  transcended  the  impan 
nel  of  the  impound,  and  scatterlophisticated  all  over  the 
equanimity  of  the  forest.' 

The  company  burst  into  an  immoderate  fit  of  laughter, 
while  the  Colonel's  face  reddened  with  discomfiture. 

'  What  do  you  mean  by  that,  sir  ?'  said  the  Colonel. 

«  Why,  I  mean,  Colonel,'  said  Allen,  'That  old  Brindle, 
being  prognosticated  with  an  idea  of  the  cholera,  ripped 
and  tared,  snorted  and  pawed  dirt,  jumped  the  fence,  tuck 
to  the  woods,  and  would  not  be  impounded -no  how.' 

This  was  too  much;  the  company  roared  again,  in  which 
the  Colonel  was  forced  to  join,  and  in  the  midst  of  the 
laughter  Allen  left  the  table,  saying  to  himself  as  he  went, 


FRESH   FROM    ABRAHAM'S   BOSOM.  77 

'*!  reckon  the  Colonel  won't  ask  me  to  impound  any  more 
oxen.' 


Lincoln  and  the  Lost  Apple. 

« On  a  late  occasion  when  the  White  House  was  open  to 
the  public,  a  farmer  from  one  of  the  border  counties  of 
Virginia,  told  the  President  that  the  Union  soldiers,  in 
passing  his  farm,  had  helped  themselves  not  only  to  hay, 
but  his  horse,  and  he  hoped  the  President  would  urge  the 
proper  officer  to  consider  his  claim  immediately. 

4  Why,  my  dear  sir,'  replied  Mr.  Lincoln,  blandly,  « I 
couldn't  think  of  such  a  thing.  If  I  consider  individual 
cases,  I  should  find  work  enough  for  twenty  Presidents.' 

Bowie  urged  his  needs  persistently;  Mr.  Lincoln  de- 
clined good  riaturedly. 

4  But,'  said  the  persevering  sufferer,  «  couldn't  you  just 
give  me  a  line  to  Col.  — r —  about  it?  just  one  line!' 

4  Ha,  ha,  ha  !'  responded  the  amiable  Old  Abe,  shaking 
himself  fervently,  and  crossing  his  legs  the  other  way, 
*  that  reminds  me  of  old  Jack  Chase,  out  in  Illinois/ 

At  this  the  crowd  huddled  forward  to'  listen  : 

*  You've  seen  Jack— I  know  him  like  a  brother — used 
to  be  lumberman  on  the  Illinois,  and  he  was  steady  and 
sober,  and  the  best  raftsman  on  the  river.  It  was  quite  a 
rrick  twenty-five  years  ago,  to  take  the  logs  over  the  ra- 
i>:(ls,  but  he  was  skillful  with  a  raft  and  always  kept  her 
straight  in  the  channel.  Finally  a  steamer  was  put  on, 
and  Jack — he's  dead  now,  poor  fellow  ! — was  made  cap-  - 
tain  of  her.  He  always  used  to  take  the  wheel,  going 
through  the  rapids.  One  day  when  the  boat  wtrs  plung- 


78  OLD  ABE'S  JOKES, 

ing  and  wallowing  along  the  boiling  current,  and  Jack's 
utmost  vigilance  was  being  exercised  to  keep  her  in  the 
narrow  channel,  a  boy  pulled  his  coat-tail  and  hailed  him 
with :  'Say,  Mister  Captain !  I  wish  you  would  just  stop 
four  boat  a  minute — I've  lost  my  apple  overboard  !'• 

o 

V- 

Enlisting  Negroes  in  the  Union  Army. 

A  slaveholder  from  the  country  approached  an  old  ac- 
quaintance, also  a  slaveholder,  residing  in  Nashville,  the 
other  .day,  and  said  : 

« I  have  several  negro  men  lurking  about  her-e  some- 
where. I  wish  you  would  look  out  for  them,  and  when 
you  find  them  do  with  them  as  if  they  were  your  own.' 

«  Certainly  I  will,'  replied  his  friend. 

A  few  days  ago  the  parties  met  again,  and  the  planter 
asked : 

4  Have  you  found  my  slaves  ¥ 

•  I  have.' 

*  And  where  are  they  ?' 

«  Well,  you  told  me  to  do  with  them  just  as  if  they  were 
my  own,  and,  as  I  made  my  men  enliit  in  the  Union  army 
I  did  the  same  with  yours.' 

The  astonished  planter  absquatulated. 


"  Old  Abe"  on  Temperance. 

The  Twenty-first  anniversary  of  the  « Sons  of  Temper- 
ance' was  appropriately  celebrated  in  Washington.  The 
•  Sons'  on  reaching  the  White  House,  were  invited  to 


FRESH    FROML  ABRAHAM'S   BOSOM.  79 

enter  the  East  room,  which  was  nearly  filled  by  the  ladies 
and  gentlemen  participating  in  the  ceremonies.  President 
Lincoln,  on  entering,  was  enthusiastically  applauded,  and, 
in  the  course  of  his  response  to  the  address  presented  to 
him,  said  that  when  he  was  a  young  man,  long  ago,  before 
the  Sons  of  Temperance,*  as  an  organization,  had  an  exist- 
ence, he  in  an  humble  way  made  Temperance  speeches, 
4tnd  he  thought  he  might  say  to  this  day  he  had  never  by 
his  example  belied  what  he  then  said.  As  to  the  sugges- 
tions for  the  purpose  of  the  abandonment  of  the  cause  of 
temperance,  he  could  not  now  respond  to  them.  To  pre- 
vent intemperance  in  the  army  is  even  a  great  part  of  the 
rules  and  articles  of  war.  It  is  a  part  of  the  law  *f  the 
land,  and  was  so  he  presumed  long  ago,  to  dismiss  officers 
for  drunkenness.  He  was  not  sure  that,  consistently  with 
the  public  service,  more  can  be  done  than  has  been  done. 
All,  therefore,  that  he  could  promise,  was  to  have  a  copy 
of  the  address  submitted  to  the  principal  departments,  and 
have  it  considered  whether  it  contains  any  suggestions 
which  will  improve  the  cause  of  temperance,  and  repress 
drunkenness  in  the  army  any  better  than  it  is  already 
done.  He  thought  the  reasonable  men  of  the  world  had 
long  since  agreed  that  intemperance  was  one  of  the  great- 
est, if  not  the  very  greatest,  of  all  the  evils  among  man- 
kind. That  was  not  a  matter  of  dispute.  All  men  agreed 
that  intemperance  was  a  great  curse,  but  differed  about 
the  cure.  The  suggestion  that  it  existed  to  a  great  extent 
was  true,  whether  it  was  a  cause  of  defeat  he  knew  not ; 
but  he  did  know  that  there  was  a  good  deal  of  it  on  the 
other  side.  Therefore  they  had  no  right  to  beat  us  on 
that  ground.  (Laughter.)  The  remarks  of  the  President 


80  oT,l.»    ABE'S    JOKES, 

were  listened  to  with  gicat  interest  and  repeatedly  inter- 
rupted by  applause. 

How  Bean  Hackett  was  made  a  Zouave. 

I  was  put  through  a  rigid  course  of  examination  before 
I  could  be  made  a  Zouave,  and  I  say  it  with  feelings  01 
gratification  and  self-esteem  that  I  was  remarkably  well 
posted  in  the  catechism.  My  father  was  a  hero  of  the  re- 
volution, having  been  caught  once  in  a  water-wheel,  and 
whirled  around  rapidly  a  number  of  times.  Others  of  the 
family  have  also  distinguished  themselves  as  military  men 
at  different  periods,  but  their  deeds  of  courage  are  too 
well-known  to  need  repetition. 

The  following  is  a  copy  verbatim  et  literatim  et  wordern 
of  most  of  the  questions  propounded  to  me  and  the  answers 
thereto,  which  my  intimate  acquaintance  with  the  Army 
Regulations  and  the  Report  of  the  Committee  on  the  Con- 
duct of  the  War  enable  me  to  answer  readily  and  accu- 
rately. My  interrogator  was  'a  little  man  in  Federal  blue, 
with  gold  leaves  on  his  shoulders.  They  called  him  Major, 
but  he  looked  young  enough  to  be  a  minor.  He  led  off 
with— 

<  How  old  are  you,  and  what  are  your  qualifications  ?' 

*  Twenty- two,  and  a  strong  stomach.5 

Then  I  requested  him  to  fire  his  interrogations  singly, 
*hich  he  did. 

*  What  is  the  first  duty  to  be  learned  by  a  soldier  ?' 

*  How  to  draw  his  rations.3 

•«  What  is  the  most  difficult  feat  for  a  soldier  to  perform  V 

*  Drawing- his  bottnty*' 


FRESH    FROM   ABRAMAM'S   BOSOM.  81 

<  If  you  were  in  the  rear  rank  of  a  company  during  an 
action,  and  the  man  in  the  front  rank  before  you  should 
be  wounded  and  disabled,  what  would  you  do  ?' 

*  I  would  despatch  myself  to  the  rear  for  a  surgeon  im- 
mediately.    Some  men  would  step  forward  and  take  the 
wounded  man's  place,  but  that  is  unnatural.' 

«  If  you  were  commanding  skirmishers,  and  saw  cavalry 
advancing  in  the  front  and  infantry  in  the  rear,  which 
would  you  meet  ?' 

«  Neither  ;  I  would  mass  myself  for  a  bold  movement 
and  shove  out  sideways.' 

4  If  you  were  captured,  what  line  of  conduct  would  you 
pursue  ? 

6  I  would  treat  my  captors  with  the  utmost  civility.' 

'  WJiat  are  the  duties  of  Home  Guards  ?' 

*  Their  duty  is  to  see  that  they  have  no  duties.' 

*  What  will  you  take  ?' 

*  Bourbon,  straight  !" 


Uncle  Abe  and  the  Judge. 

*  In  the  conversation  which  occurred  before  dinner,  I 
was  amused  to  observe  the  manner  in  which  Mr.  Lincoln 
used  the  anecdotes  for  which  he  is  so  famous.  Where  men 
bred  in  courts,  accustomed  to  the  world,  or  versed  in  di* 
plomacy,  would  use  some  subterfuge/  or  would  make  a  pO^ 
lite  speech »  or  give  a  shrug  of  the  shoulders  as  the  ingatig 
of  getting  out  of  ah  Embarrassing  position;  Mr';  Lincoln 
raises  a  latigh  by  &o&s.bold  ^set- coimtrf  anScSot^ ,  and 
offte  tha  doild  of  psarrtaftit  produced  fcf  ih'«;tek$' 


82  OLD  ABE'S  JOKES, 

against  the  appointment  of  some  indifferent  lawyer  to  a 
place  of  judicial  importance,  the  President  interposed 
with, 6  Come,  now,  Bates,  he's  not  half  as  bad  as  you  think. 
^Besides  that,  I  must  tell  you,  he  did  me  a  good  turn  long- 
ago.  When  I  took  to  the  law,  I  was  going  to  court  one 
morning,  with  some  ten  or  twelve  miles  of  bad  road  before 
me,  and  I  had  no  horse.  The  judge  overtook  me  in  his 
wagon.  'Hallo,  Lincoln  !  are  you  not  going  to  the  court- 
house. Come  in  and  I  will  give  you  a  seat.'  Well,  I  got 
in,  and  the  judge  went  on  reading  his  papers.  Presently 
the  wagon  struck  a  stump  on  one  side  of  the  road ;  then 
it  hopped  off  to  the  other.  I  looked  ou-t,  and  I  saw  the 
driver  was  jerking  from  side  to  side  in  his  seat :  so  says  .1, 
«  Judge,  I  think  your  coachman  has  been  taking  a  little 
drop  too  much  this  morningv'  *  Well,  I  declare,  Lincoln,' 
said  he,  '  I  should  not  much  wonder  if  you  are  right,  for 
he  has  nearly  upset  me  half-a-dozen  times  since  starting.' 
So,  putting  his  head  out  of  the  window,  he  shouted,  '  Why, 
you  infernal  scoundrel,  you  are  drunk!'  Upon  which 
pulling  up  his  horses,  and  turning  round  with  great  gravi- 
ty, the  coachman  said,  «  By  gorra  !  that's  the  first  rightful 
decision  that  yoii  have  given  for  the  last  twelve  month.' 
While  the  company  were  laughing,  the  President  beat  a 
quiet  retreat  from  the  neighborhood  of  the  Attorney- 
General. 


liberal  and  patriotic  citizen  who  has  been  drafted 
has  purchased  a  gun  whkh  he  save  is  very  suro  to  go  off— 
man's 


83 


Mince  Pies  vs.  Tracts. 

The  President  says  his  political  friends  often  remind  him 
of  the  following  story  : 

A  rebel  lady  visited  the  hospital  at  Nashville  one  morn- 
ing with  a  negro  servant,  who  carried  a  large  basket  on 
his  arm,  covered  with  a  white  linen  cloth.  She  approach- 
ed a  German  and  accosted  him  thus : 

'  Are  you  a  good  Union  man  T 

« I  ish  dat,'  was  the  laconic  reply  of  the  German,  at 
the  same  time  casting  a  hopeful  glance  at  the  aforesaid 
basket. 

« That  is  all  I  wanted  to  know,'  replied  the  lady,  and 
beckoning  to  the  negro  to  follow,  she  passed  to  the  opposite 
side  of  the  room,  where  a  rebel  soldier  lay,  and  asked  him 
the  same  question,  to  which  he  very  promptly  replied  :  'Not 
by  d — d  sight.'  The  lady  thereupon  uncovered  the  basket 
and  laid  out  a  bottle  of  wine,  mince  pies,  pound  cake  and 
other  delicacies,  which  were  greedily  devoured  in  the 
presence  of  the  Union  soldiers  who  felt  somewhat  indig- 
nant. 

On  the  following  morning,  however,  another  lady  made 
her  appearance  with  a  large  covered  basket,  and  she  also 
accosted  our  German  friend,  and  desired  to  know  if  he  was 
a  Union  man. 

4 1  ish,  by  Got- ;  I  no  care  what  you  got ;  I  bese  Union/ 

The  lady  set  the  basket  on  the  table,  and  our  German 
friend  thought  the  truth  availed  in  this  case,  if  it  did  fail 
in  the  other.  But  imagine  the  length  of  the  poor  fellow's 
face  when  the  lady  uncovered  the  basket  and  presented 


84  OLD  ABE'S  JOKES, 

him  with  about  a  bushel  of  ti  acts.  He  shook  his  head 
dolefully  aud  said : 

« I  no  read  English,  und,  peside  dat  rebel  on  'se  oder 
side  of  'se  house  need  tern  so  more  as  me.' 

The  lady  distributed  them  and  left. 

Not  long  afterwards  along  came  another  richly  dressed 
lady,  who  propounded  the  same  question  to  the  German. 
He  stood  gazing  at  the  basket  apparently  at  a  loss  for  a 
reply.  At  length  he  answered  her  in  Yankee  style,  as 
follows : 

'  By  Got,  you  no  got  me  dis  time  ;  vot  you  got  mit  the 
basket  ?' 

The  lady  required  an  unequivocal  reply  to  her  question, 
and  was  about  to  move  on  when  our  German  friend  shouted 
out: 

*  If  you  got  tracts,  I  bese  Union  ;  but  if  you  got  -mince 
pie  mit  pound  cake  unt  vine,  I  be  sesech  like  de  tibol.' 

Soldiers  have  little  deire  to  read  tracts  when  they  are 
famished  for  the  want  of  those  little, delicacies  so  conducive 
to  the  recovery  of  hospital  patients.  When  our  ladies  visit 
hospitals  with  tracts,  we  should  suggest  the  importance  of 
accompanying  them  with  a  basket  of  provisions ;  they  will 
be  better  appreciated. 


The  Niggers  and  the  Small  Pox. 

I  dropped  in  upon  Mr.  Lincoln  and  found  him  busily 
counting  greenbacks.  "This,  sir,'  said  he,  'is  soinet!  inr; 
out  of  my  usual  line ;  but  a  President  of  the  United  States 
has  a  multiplicity  of  d-iiies  not  specified  in  the  Constitu- 


FRESH    FROM    ABRAHAM'S    BO8OM.  85 

tion  or  acts  of  Congress.  This  is  one  of  them.  -Thii 
money  belongs  to  a  poor  negro  who  is  a  porter  in  one  of 
the  Departments  (the  Treasury),  and  who  is  at  present 
very  bad  with  the  small  pox.  He  did  not  catch  it- from 
me,  however  ;  at  least  1  think  not.  He  is  now  in  hospital, 
and  could  not  draw  Ids  pay  because  he  could  not  sign  hii 
name. 

1  have  been  at  considerable  trouble  to  overcome  the 
difficulty  and  get  it  for  him.  and  have  at  length  succeeded 
in  cutting  red  tape,  as  you  newspaper  men  say.  I  am  now 
dividing  the  money  and  putting  by  a  portion  labeled,  in 
an  envelope,  with  my  own  hands,  according  to  his  wish ;' 
and  his  Excellency  proceeded  to  endorse  the  package  very 
carefully.  No  one  who  witnessed  the  transaction  could 
fail  to  appreciate  the  goodness  of  heart  which  would 
prompt  a  man  who  is  borne  down  by  the  weight  of  cares 
unparalleled  in  the  world's  history,  to  turn  aside  for  a 
time  from  them  to  succor  one  of  the  humblest  of  his  fellow 
creatures  in  sickness  and  sorrow. 


Why  Lincoln  didn't  tfop  the  War. 

The  Boldiers  at  Helena,  in  Arkansas,  used  to  amuse  the 
inhabitants  of  that  place,  on  their  first  arrival,  by  telling 
them  yarns, 'of  which  the  following  is  a  sample  : 

*  Some  time  ago  Jeff  Davis  got  tired  of  the  war,  and 
invited  President  Lincoln  to  meet  him  on  neutral  ground 
to  discuss  terms  of  peace.  They  met  accordingly,  and 
after  a  talk  concluded  to  settle  the  war  by  dividing  the 
territory  and  stopping  the  fighting.  The  North  took  the 


86  OLD  ABE'S  JOKES, 

Northern  States,  and  the  South  the  Gulf  and  seaboard 
Southern  States.  Lincoln  took  Texas  and  Missouri,  and 
Davis  Kentucky  and  Tennessee;  so  that  all  were  parceled 
off  excepting  Arkansas.  Lincoln  didn't  want  it — Jeff, 
wouldn't  have  it,  neither  would  consent  to  take  it,  and  on 
that  they  split;  and  the  war  has  been  going  on  ever 
since.' 


Lincoln's  Estimate  of  the  "  Honors." 

As  a  further  elucidation  of  Mr.  Lincoln's  estimate  ol 
Presidential  honors,  a  story  is  told  of  how  a  supplicant 
for  office,  of  more  than  ordinary  pretentious,  called  upon 
him,  and,  presuming  on  the  activity  he  had  shown  in  be- 
half of  the  Republican  ticket,  asserted  as  a  reason  why 
the  office  should  be  given  to  him,  that  he  had  made  Mr. 
Lincoln  President. 

"-You  made  me  President,  did  you  ?'  said  Mr.  Lincoln, 
with  a  twinkle  of  his  eye.  '  I  think  I  did,'  said  the  appli- 
cant. *  Then  a  pretty  mess  you've  got  me  into,  that's  all,' 
replied  the  President,  and  closed  the  discussion. 


o- 


Pring  up  de  Shackasses,  for  Cot  sake ! 

President  Lincoln  often  laughed  over  the  following  inci- 
dent :  One  of  General  Fremont's  batteries  of  eight  Parrot 
guns,  supported  by  a  squadron  of  horse  commanded  by 
Major  Richards,  was  in  a  sharp  conflict  with  a  battery 
of  the  enemy  near  at  hand,  and  shells'  and  shot  were  flying- 
thick  and  fast,  when  the  commander  of  the  battery,  a 


FRESH    FROM    ABRAHAM'S    BOSOM.  87 

German,  one  of  Fremont's  staff,  rode  suddenly  up  to,  the 
cavalry,  exclaiming,  in  loud  and  excited  terms,  6  Pririg  up 
de  shackasses,  pring  up  de  shaekasses,  for  Cot  sake,  hurry 
up  de  shaekasses  im-me-di-ate-ly.'  The  necessity  of  this 
order,  though  not  quite  apparent,  will  be  more  obvious 
when  it  is  remembered  that  the  '  shaekasses '  are  mules, 
carrying  mountain  howitzers,  which  are  tired  from  the 
backs  of  that  much-abused  but  valuable  animal ;  and  the 
immediate  occasion  for  the  4  shaekasses  '  was  that  two  regi- 
ments of  rebel  infantry  were  at  that  moment  discovered 
descending  a  hill  immediately  behind  our  batteries.  The 
*  shaekasses,"  with  the  howitzers  loaded  with  grape  and 
canister,  were  soon  on  the  ground.  The  mules  squared 
themselves,  as  they  well  knew  how,  for  the  shock.  A  ter- 
ritic  volley  was  poured  into  the  advancing  column,  which 
immediately  broke  and  retreated.  Two  hundred  and 
seventy-eight  dead  bodies  were  found  in  the  ravine  next 
day,  piled  closely  together  as  they  fell,  the  eilects  of  that 
volley  from  the  backs  of  the  '  shaekasses.3' 


Abe's  Long  Legs. 

When  tie  President  landed  at  Aquia  Creek,  going  to 
see  Burnside,  there  were  boards  in  the  -way  on  the  wharf, 
which  the  men  hastened  to  remove,  but  the  President  re- 
marked, in  his  usual  style,  *  Never  mind,  boys;  my  legs 
are  pretty  long,  havti  brought  me  thus  far  through  lito 
I  think  thcf  wiU  bute  me  o-veir  this  difficult/*' 


M 

The  President  and  •'  Banks." 

Loquitur  an  eminent  Pennsylvania  Congressman  :  «  Sir, 
Banks  is  a  failure,  isn't  he  ?' 

4  Well,  that  is  harsh,'  responds  the  President ;  '  but  ho 
hasn't  come  up  to  my  expectations.' 

•  Then,  sir,  .why  don't  you  remove  him  ?' 

1  Well,  sir,  one  principal  reason  is,  that  it  would  hurt 
General  Banks'  feelings  very  much  /' 


Old  Abe's  Noble  Saying. 

'•  President  Lincoln  says  many  homely  things  and  many 
funny  things.  His  speech  at  the  late  ceremony  in  honor 
of  the  dead  at  Gettysburg  proves  that  he  can  also  say  no- 
ble and  beautiful  things.  Is  not  the  following  extract 
worthy,  in  its  touching  simplicity,  of  being  handed  down 
to  the  aires  among  the  great  sayings  of  great  men  : — '  The 
world  will  little  note  nor  long  remember  what  toe  say  here,  but 
they  can  never  forget  what  they  did  here.1 


— o — 


11  Where  the  D 1  are  the  Buggies." 

1  The  citizens  of  a  small  city  in  Pennsylvania,  being 
thrown  into  considerable  excitement  by  reason  of  the  re- 
port that  the  rebels  under  Lee  were  advancing  upon  them, 
held  ft  Sneeting  for  the  purpd?©  of  or.eanizing"  themselves 
into  a  regiment  During  the  organisation  of  the  regi- 
of 


FRESH    FROM    ABRAHAM'S    BOSOM.  89 

towering  head  and  shoulders  above  the  crowd,  exclaimed, 
in  a  stentorian  voice  :  'Are  there  not  any  cannons  to  de- 
fend the  city  ?' 

Voice  from  the  crowd — '  Yes,  but  they  are  not  mounted.' 

Old  Gent—*  Why  ain't  they  mounted.' 

Voice  from  the  truwd — *  Because  we  have  no  carriage!*.' 

Old   Gent — (Still     louder  and   more   excited) — 'Then, 
where  the  devil  are  the  buggies  ?' 


"  I  Mean  '  Honest  Old  Abe.' » 

*  A  good  story  is  told  of  an  old  Cleveland  deacon,  who 
just  after  Lincoln  started  on  his  journey  for  Washington, 
went  to  an  evening  prayer  meeting,  and  being  somewhat 
in  a  hurry,  went  down  immediately  on  his  knees,  and  made 
an  earnest  prayer  in  behalf  of  the  President  of  the  United 
States,  asking  that  God  would  strengthen  him  and  bless 
him  in  all  his  undertakings.  Rising  from  his  kness  he  left 
the  church,  apparently  having  an  earnest  call  elsewhere. 
Presently  he  returned  in  a  great  hurry,  and  plumping 
again  on  his  knees,  thus  addressed  himself;  *  Oh,  Lord,  it 
may  be  as  well  for  me  to  add  as  an  explanation  to  my 
prayer  just  uttered,  that  by  the  President  of  the  United 
States  I  mean  honest  old  Abe  Lincoln,  and  not  that  other 
chap  who  is  yet  sitting  in  the  national  neat,  and  for  whom 
I  don't  care  shucks.  Amen.' 


Old  Abe  "C's"it. 

« I  consoled  the  President  this  morning  by  relating  to 
him  what  an  unfortunate  letter  £  C '  was  in  the  Presiden- 
tial Chase.  A  joke— do  you  take  ?  I  related  the  fate  of 
Crawford,  Calhoun,  Clay  and  Cass.  The  Presidential  eye 
brightened  up.  I  saw  hope  displayed  in  every  lineament 
of  bis  countenance.  He  replied,  «I  see  it.'  How  quiet 
he  is  at  repartee.  How  pointed,  too.  I  think  the  Presi- 
dential heart  has  beat  easier  since  the  administry  of. my 
last  solace/ 


Lincoln's  Ideas  about  Slavery. 

The  story  will  be  remembered,  perhaps,  of  Mr.  Lincoln's 
reply  to  a  Springfield  (111.)  clergyman,  who  asked  him 
what  was  to  be  his  policy  on  the  slavery  question. 

*  Well,  your  question  is  rather  a  cool  one,  but  I  will 
answer  it  by  telling  you  a  story.  You  know  Father  B., 
the  old  Methodist  preacher?  and  you  know  Fox  river  and 
its  freshets?  Well,  once  in  the  presence  of  Father  B.,  a 
young  Methodist  was  worrying  about  Fox  river,  .and  ex- 
pressing fears  that  he  should  be  prevented  from  fulfilling 
some  of  his  appointments  by  a  freshet  in  the  river.  Fath- 
er B.  checked  him  in  his  gravest  manner.  Said  he: 
1  Young  man,  I  have  always  made  it  a  rule  in  my  life  not 
to  cross  Fox  river  till  I  get  to  it !'  'And,'  said  the  Presi- 
dent, £  I  am  not  going  to  worry  myself  over  the  slavery 
question  till  I  get  to  it.'  A  few  days  afterwards  a 
Methodist  minister  called  on  the  President,  and  on  being 


FRESH    FROM    ABRAHAM'S    BOSOM.  91 

)resented  to  him,  said  simply :  «  Mr.  President,  I  have 
come  to  tell  you  that  I  think  we  have  got  to  Fox  river  !J 
Mr.  Lincoln  thanked  the  clergyman  and  laughed  heartily. 


Abe  and  the  Distance  to  the  Capitol. 

.  It  is  stated  that  he  was  much  disgusted  at  the  crowd  of 
officers  who  sometime  ago  used  to  loiter  about  the  Wash- 
ington hotels,  and  he  is  reported  to  have  remarked  to  a 
member  of  Congress  :  «  These  fellows  and  the  Congressmen 
do  vex  me  sorely.'  Another  member  of  Congress  was  con- 
versing with  the  President,  and  was  somewhat  anHoyed  by 
the  President's  propensity  to  divert  attention  from  the  se- 
rious subject  he  had  on  his  mind  by  ludicrous  allusions. 
4  Mr.  Lincoln,'  said  he,  'I  think  you  would  have  your  joke 
if  you  were  within  a  mile  of  hell.'  '  Yes,  sir,  that  is  about 
the  distance  to  the  Capitol.' 


Abe  thinks  T.  R.  Strong,  but  Coffee  are  stronger. 

It  is  told  by  an  intelligent  contraband,  who  is  probably 
reliable,  that  Mr.  Lincoln  was  walking  up  Pennsylvania 
avenue  the  other  day,  relating  6  a  little  story"  to  Secretary 
Seward,  when  the  latter  called  his  attention  to  a  new  sign 
tearing  the  name  of  <  T.  H.  Strong.'  4  Ha  !'  says  old  Abe 
his  countenance  lighting  up  with  a  peculiar  smile,  <  T,  R. 
Strong,  but  coffee  are  stronger.'  Se.wartl  smiled,  but  made 
IHJ  reply* 


92  OLD  ABE'S  JOKES, 


Putting  Salt  on  the  Monitor's  Tail. 

War  is  a  pretty  serious  business  ;  but  they  are  not  al- 
ways gloomy  at  the  War  Department.  When  the  foolish 
rumor  was  current  in  Washington  that  the 'Mow tor  had 
been  captured,  the  President  walked  over  to  the  War  De- 
partment and  asked  whether  the^  report  ws  true. 

4  Certainly,'  replied  an  officer  with  due  gravity. 

'How  did  the  rebels  succeed  in  capturing  her?'  asLed 
the  President 

« By  putting  salt  on  her  tail,'  waa  the  reply. 

The  President's  only  answer  was,  « I  owe  you  one/ 


Old  Abe  Never  Heard  of  it  Before. 

Some  moral  philosoper  was  telliag  the  President  one  day 
about  the  undercurrent  of  public  opkiion.  He  went  on  to 
explain  at  length,  and  drew  an  illustration  from  the  Medi- 
terranean Sea.  The  current  seemed  very  curiously  to  flow 
in  both  from  the  Black  Sea  and  the  Atlantic  Ocean,  but  a 
shrewd  Yankee,  by  means  of  a  contrivance  of  floats,  had 
discovered  that  at  the  outlet  into  the  Atlantic  only  about 
thirty  feet  of  the  surface  water  flowed  inward,  while  there 
was  a  tremenduous  current  under  that  flowing  out.  *  Well,' 
said  Mr.  Lincoln,  much  bored,  'that  don't  remind  me  of 
any  story  I  ever  heard  of.'  The  philosopher  despaired  of 
a  serious  impression  by  his  argument,  aud  left* 


FBESH   PROM   ABRAHAM'S   BOSOM.  93 


Why  Lincoln  Appointed  Fremont. 

General  Fremont  stood  a  very  small  chance  of  being 
assigned  to  a  command.  But  fortunately  for  him,  the  Pres- 
ident one  morning  read  in  a  Washington  paper  the  speech 
of  Col.  Blair,  M.  C.,  upon  the  late  commander  in  Missouri. 
The  President  having  attentively  perused  it,  said  to  some 
one  near  him,  *  Oh,  this  will  never  do ;  it's  persecution.' 
}jo  put  the  paper  in  his  pocket,  walked  over  to  the  War 
Hcpartment,  and  in  less  than  half  an  hour  Major- General 
Fremont  was  appointed  to  the  command  of  the  Mountain 
Department. 


Father  Abraham's  Good  Clothe*. 

At  the  beginning  of  the  war  John  Perry,  then  a  resi- 
dent of  Georgia,  was  compelled  to  take  the  oath  of  alle- 
giance to  the  Southern  Confederacy  and  agreed  not  to  bear 
arms  against  it.  He  removed  to  West  Troy  soon  alter- 
wards  and  in  September  was  drafted.  Before  the  tkne  of 
kis  appearante  at  Albany  he  wrote  to  the  Provost  Marshal 
Generc.1,  Colonel  Fry,  stating  the  dilemma,  and  asking 
whether  he  could  not  be  released  from  his  obligatiom  to 
serve  Uncle  Sam.  The  reply  of  CoL  Fry  has  just  been  re- 
ceived* He  states  that  he  fully  appreciates  Mr.  Perry's 
position)  and  has  no  idea  of  making  him  violate  his  oath* 
MQ  kindly  consents,  therefore*  that  the  eomicript  Perry 


94  OLD  ABE'S  JOKES, 

shall  be  sent  to  the  Northwest  to  fight  Indians ;  but  he 
can't  for  a  moment  think  of  absolving  him  from  wearing 
'•Father  Abraham's  good  clothes.' 


The  President  says  that  Jeff  is  on  his  Last  Legs. 

Because  we  gave  him  the  grant  (Grant)  of  Vicksburg 
and  he  couldn't  hold  it ;  we  gave  him  the  banks  (Banks)  of 
Port  Hudson  and  they  destroyed  his  best  gardner  (Gardner) 
and  all  he  raised  during  the  last  two  years ;  we  gave  him 
mead  (Meade)  at  Gettysburg  and  he  couldn't  swallow  it; 
we  have  his  best  wagoner  (Wagner)  fast  at  Charleston; 
compelled  him  to  haul  in  his  brag  (Bragg)  and  get  in  the 
lee  (Lee)  of  his  rebel  army. 


Old  Abe  on  the  Congressmen. 

As  the  President  and  a  friend  were  sitting  on  the  House 
of  Representatives  steps,  the  session  closed,  and  the  mem- 
bers tiled  out  in  a  body.  Abraham  looked  after  them  with 
a  sardonic  smile. 

'  That  reminds  me,'  said  he,  «of  a  little  incident.  When 
I  was  quite  a  boy,  my  flat-boat  lay  up  at  Alton,  on  the 
Mississippi,  for  a  day,  and  I  strolled  about  the  town.  I 
saw  a  large  stone  building,  with  massive  walls,  not  so 
handsome,  though,  as  this;  and  while  I  was  looking  at  it, 
the  iron  gateway  opened,  and  a  great  body  of  men  came 
out.  *  What  do  you  call  that  ?'  1  asked  a  by-stander. 
«That,'  said  he,,  'is  the  State  Prison,  and  those  are  all 
thieves,  going  home,  Their  time  is  up.' 


FRESH    FROM    ABRAHAM'S    BOSOM.  95 


General  Viele  and  a  Female  Rebel. 

General  Egbert  L.  Viele,  Governor  of  Norfolk,  was 
visited  one  day  by  a  lady.  He  noticed  that  she  wore  the 
confederate  colors  prominently  in  the  shape  of  a  brooch, 
and  mildly  suggested  that  it  would,  perhaps,  have  been  in 
better  taste  to  come  to  his  office  without  such  a  decoration. 
'  I  have  a  right,  sir,  to  consult  my  own  wishes  as  to  what  I 
shall  wear.'  '  Then, madam,' replied  the  General,  'permit 
me  to  claim  an  equal  right  in  choosing  with  whom  I  shall 
converse.'  And  the  dignified  lady  had  to  withdraw  from 
his  presence. 

Lincoln  on  Vice  and  Virtue. 

Some  one  was  smoking  in  the  presence  of  the  President, 
and  complimented  him  on  having  no  vices,  neither  drink- 
ing nor  smoking.  6  That  is  a  doubtful  compliment,'  an- 
swered the  President  ;  4  I  recollect  once  being  outside  a 
stage  in  Illinois,  and  a  man  sitting  by  me  offered  me  a 
segar.  I  told  him  I  had  no  vices.  He  said  nothing, 
smoked  for  some  time,  and  then  grunted  out,  It's  my  ex- 
periencd  that  folks  who  have  no  vices  have  plagued  few 
virtues.' 


Potomac  !   Bottomic  !  !  Buttermilk 

An  amusing  story  is  told  by  Old  Abe  of  the  (  Iowa 
First,'  about  the  changes  which  a  certain  password  under- 
went about  the  time  of  the  battle  of  Springfield.  One  of 


96  OLD  ABE'S  JOKES, 

the  Dubuque  officers, 'whose  duty  it  was  to  furnish  the 
guards  with  a  password  for  the  night,  gave  the  word 
*  Potomac  '  A  German  on  guard,  not  understanding  dis- 
tinctly the  difference  between  B's  and  P's,  understood  it 
to.be  '  Bottomic,'  and  this,  on  being  transferred  to  ano- 
ther, was  corrupted  to  'Buttermilk.'  Soon  afterward,  the 
officer  who  had  given  the  word  wished  to  return  through 
the  lines,  and  on  approaching  a  sentinel  was  ordered  to 
halt  and  the  word  demanded.  He  gave  '  Potomac.' 
4  Nicht  right — you  don't  pass  mit  me  dis  way.'  «  But  this 
is  the  word,  and  I  will  pass.'  *  No^  you  stan  ;'  at  the 
same  time  placing  a  bayonet  at  his  breast  in  a  manner  that 
told  the  officer  that  *  Potomac '  didn't  pass  in  Missouri. 
«  What  is  the  word,  then  V  <  Buttermilk.'  *  Well,  then, 
Buttermilk.'  *  Dat  is  right;  now  you  pass  mit  yourself  all 
about  your  piziness.'  There  was  then  a  general  overhaul- 
ing of  the  password  ;  and  the  difference  between  Potomac 
and  Buttermilk  being  understood,  the  joke  became  one  of 
the  laughable  incidents  of  the  campaign. 


Old  Abe's  Liquor  for  his  Generals. 

A.  *  committee,'  just  previous  to  the  fall  of  Vicksburg, 
solicitous  lor  the  morale  of  our  armies,  took  it  upon  them- 
selves to  visit  the  President  and  urge  the  removal  of  Gen. 
Grant  '  What  for  ¥  said  Mr.  Lincoln.  <  Why,'  replied 
the  busy  bodies,  '  he  drinks  too  much  whisky.'  4  Ah  !'  re- 
joined Mr.  Lincoln,  '  can  you  inform  me,  gentlemen,  where 
General  Grant  procures  his  whisky  T  The  '  committee  ' 


PR6M  ABRAMAM'S  BOSOM.  9t 

confessed  they  could  not.  'Because,'  added  Old  Abe,  with 
a  merry  twinkle  in  his  eyes,  '  If  I  can  find  out,  I'll  send 
every  General  in  the  field  a  "barrel  of  it !'  The  delegation 
retired  in  reasonably  good  order. 


Who  voted  for  Abe,  or  how  the  Rebels  treat  a  Quaker  and  a 
"  Butternut." 

The  following  incident  occurred  at  Salem,  Ind.,  during 
the  raid  of  John  Morgan.  Some  of  his  men  proceeded 
out  west  of  the  town  to  burn  the  bridges  and  water- tank 
on  the  railroad.  On  the  way  out  they  captured  a  couple 
of  persons  living  in  the  country,  one  of  whom  was  a 
Quaker.  The  Quaker  strongly  objected  to  being  made  a 
prisoner.  Secesh  wanted  to  know  if  he  was  not  strongly 
opposed  to  the  South.  *Thee  is  right,'  said  the  Quaker, 
« I  am.' 

4  Well,  did  you  vote  for  Lincoln?' 

*  Thee  is  right ;  I  did  vote  for  Abraham.* 

*  Well,  what  are  you  ?' 

*  Thee  may  naturally  suppose  that  I  am  a  Union  man. 
Cannot  thee  let  me  go  to  my  home  ?' 

4  Yes,  yes ;  go  and  take  care  of  the  old  woman,'  said 
^ooesh. 

The  other  prisoner  was  taken  along  with  them,  but  not 
relishing  the  summary  manner  in  which  the  Quaker  was 
disposed  of,  said,  *  What  do  you  let  him  go  for?  He  is  a 
li  lack  abolitionist.  Now,  look  here,  I  voted  for  Breckin- 
rulge,  and  have  always  been  opposed  to  this  war.  I  ain 
opposed  to  fighting  the  South,  decidedly.' 


98  OLD    ABE'S   JOKES, 

e  You  are,'  said  Secesli ;  ' you  are  what  they  call  around 
here,  a  Copperhead  ;  ain't  you  ?' 

'Yes,  yes,'  said  the  Butternut,  insinuatingly;  'that's 
what  all  my  neighbors  call  me,  and  they  know  I  ain't  with 
them.' 

'  Conie  here,  Dave!'  halloed  Secesh.  'There's  a  But- 
ternut. Just  come  and  look  at  him.  Look  here,  old  man, 
where  do  you  live  ?  We  want  that  horse  you  have  got  to 
spare,  and  if  you  have  got  any  greenbacks,  just  shell  'em 
out,' — and  they  fook  all  he  had.' 


The  President  on  Chase's  Valentine. 

Secretary  Chase,  of  the  Treasury  Department,  found 
upon  a  desk  in  his  office  what  at  first  appeared  to  be  a 
picture  of  an  '  infernal  machine,'  looking  very  much  like 
a  goose,  but  which  on  closer  examination  proved  to  be  a 
drawing  of  an  ingonious  invention  for  turning  gold  eagles 
into  'greenbacks,'  with  the  Secretary  himself  operating 
it,  and  slowly  feeding  it  with  '  yaller  boys'  at  one  end, 
while  the  government  currency  came  out  at  the  other  end, 
flying  about  like  the  leaves  of  autumn.  While  he  was  ex- 
amining it,  the  President  came  in,  as  he  daily  does,  for 
consultation.  Mr.  Chase  handed  him  the  drawing,  and 
as  the  roguish  eye  of  our  Chief  Magistrate  recognised  the 
likeness  of  the  Secretary,  he  exclaimed — 

'  Capital  joke,  isn't  it,  Mr.  Chase?' 

'  A  joke,'  said  the  irate  financier,  '  I'd  give  a  thousand 
dollars  to  know  who  left  it  here.' 


FRESH    FROM    ABRAHAM'S   BOSOM.  99 

6  Oh,  no,'  responded  Mr.  Lincoln,  '  you  would  hardly  do 
that.'  . 

'  Yes  1  would,'  asserted  the  Secretary. 

*  Would  you,  though,'  inquired  the  President,  with  that 
deliberate  manner  that  characterizes  him  when  he  is 
really  in  earnest — '  well,  which  end  would  you  pay  from  T 

The  answer  is  not '  recorded/ 


Old  Abe  and  the  "  Brigadiers." 

The  President  has  been  perpetrating  one  of  his  pungent 
sayings  about  that  luckless  wight,  Brigadier- General 
Stoughton,  who  was  so  unceremoniously  picked  up  by  guer- 
illas. '  Pretty  serious  business,  this,  Mr.  President,'  said 
a  visitor,  «  to  have  a  Brigadier-General  captured  at  Fair- 
fax Court  House  !'  *  Oh,  tMat  doesn't  trouble  me,  was  the 
response,  '  I  can  make  a  better  Brigadier  any  time  in  five 
minutes  ;  but  it  did  worry  me  to  have  all  those  horses 
taken.  Why,  sir,  these  horses  cost  us  a  hundred  and 
twenty-five  dollars  a. head  !' 


Mr.  Lincoln  and  the  "  Mediums." 

6  There  is  a  secret,  known  only  to  a  few,  in  reference  to 
the  manner  in  which  our  armies  are  commanded,'  says  a 
New  York  writer.  '  Mr.  Lincoln  has  mediums  in  constant 
communication  with  the  spirit  world.  Each  military  her* 
has  a  special  medium.  Not  a  battle  has  been  fought,  ex- 
cept under  tho  direct  command,  not  of  McClella»r  Scott* 


100  OLD    ABE'S   JOKES, 

McDowell,  Pope,^  urnside,  Hooker,  and  modern  general*, 
but  they  have  acted  merely  as  lieutenants  for  the  master 
war-spirits  of  the  other  world  !  All  the  generals  in  the 
other  world  were  consulted  by  the  spirits  previous  to 
Hooker's  defeat,  and  the  old  adage  proved  true  that  4  too 
many  cooks  spoil  the  broth.'  Napoleon  and  Wellington, 
and  Generals  Washington  and  Jackson,  were  not  at  the 
council :  Napoleon,  because  he  did  not  understand  Lincoln's 
English  communications,  and  the  Duke  of  Wellington,  be- 
cause of  his  contempt  for  them,  or  that  anybody  in  supreme 
power  should  ask  military  advice.  Generals  Washington 
and  Jackson  would  not  give  advice,  because,  though  they 
were  extremely  annoyed  at  the  dissolution  of  the  Union, 
yet,  as  such  a  miserable  fact  had  occurred,  their  friendly 
feelings  were  enlisted  witli  their  descendants  on  the  side 
of  the  South.  That  Mr.  Lincoln  is  guided  altogether  by 
spiritual  advisers  is  now  well  kno\vn.' 


Old  Abe's  Generosity. 

While  President  Lincoln  was  confined  to  his  house  with 
the  varioloid,  some  friends  called  to  sympathise  with  him 
especially  on  the  character  of  his  disease.  *  Yes,'  he  said, 
*  it  is  a  bad  disease,  but  it  has  its  advantages.  For  the 
first  time  since  I  have  been  in  office,  I  have  something  now 
to  give  to  every  purbuo  that 


FRESH    FROM   ABRAHAM'S   BOSOM. 


Uncle  Abe  and  the  Pass  to  Richmond. 

A  gentleman  called  upon  the  President,  and  solicited  a 
pass  for  Richmond.  '  Well/  said  the  President,  '  I  would 
be  very  happy  to  oblige,  if  my  passes  were  respected ;  but 
the  fact  is,  sir,  I- have,  within  the  past  two  years,  given 
passes  to  two  hundred  and  fifty  thousand  men  to  go  to 
-Richmond,  and  not  one  has  got  there  yet.'  The  applicant 
quietly  and  respectfully  withdrew  on  his  tip-toes. 


How  Old  Abe  had  never  Read  it. 

« The  Loyal  League  Convention,  which  was  in  secret  ses- 
sion in  Washington,  brought  a  strong  pressure  to  bear  on 
the  President  for  the  removal  of  some  obnoxious  members 
of  the  cabinet  on  account  of  their  supposed  conservative 
views,  and  also  for  the  appointment  of  a  radical  com- 
mander in  Missouri,  in  place  of  Gen.  Scofield.  At  an  in- 
terview, a  committee  of  the  Leaguers  indignantly  asked 
the  President  whether  he  endorsed  Mr.  Blair's  Rockville 
speech ;  to  which  he  replied,  that  he  « had  never  read  it.' 
The  feelings  of  the  excited  radicals  may  be  more  easily 
imagined  than  described  at  this  Lmcolnian  stroke,  and 
they  retired  from  the  White  House  with  no  dim  percep- 
tion of  the  meaning  6i'  *  Abe  8  latest  and  best  joke/ 


102  «LD  ABE'S  JOKES, 


;      Mr.  Lincoln  and  the  Counterfeit  Bill. 

'  Some  one  was  discussing  the  character  of  a  copperhead 
clergyman,  in  the  presence  of  Mr.  Lincoln,  a  time-serving 
Washington  clergyman.  Says  Mr.  Lincoln  to  his  visitor, 
*  I  think  you  are  rather  hard  upon  Mr.  Blank.  He  re- 
minds me  of  a  man  in  Illinois  who  was  tried  for  passing 
a  counterfeit  bill.  It  was  in  evidence  that  before  passing 
it  he  had  taken  it  to  the  cashier  of  a  bank  and  asked  his 
opinion  of  the  bill,  and  he  received  a  very  prompt  reply 
that  the  bill  was  a  counterfeit.  His  lawyer  who  had 
heard  of  the  evidence  to  be  brought  against  his  client, 
asked  him  just  before  going  into  court,  « Did  you  take  the 
bill  to  the  cashier  of  the  bank  and  ask  him  if  it  was 
good  T  « I  did,'  was  the  reply.  «  Well — what  was  the  re- 
ply of  the  cashier  ?'  The  rascal  was  in  a  corner,  but  he 
got  out  of  it  in  this  fashion :  «  He  said  it  was  a  pretty, 
tolerable,  respectable  sort  of  a  bill.'  Mr.  Lincoln  thought 
the  clergyman  was  *  a  pretty,  tolerable,  respectable  sort 
of  a  clergyman.'  We  have  a  good  many  of  that  class  in 
Washington,  I  fear,  though,  if  anybody  is  going  to  make 
me  prove  this  I'll  back  down  at  once,  for  in  these  times  it 
is  hard  work  to  prove  anything.  If  your  neighbor  is  en- 
gaged in  blockade  running,  you  can't  prove  him  a  rebel ; 
and  if  he  should  chance  to  be  a  noisy  war  politician,  you 
can't  prove  that  he  has  sympathies  even  against  the  gov- 
ernment/ 


FRESH  PROM  ABRAHAM'S  BOSOM. 


A  Whole  Nager. 

£  At  a  negro  celebration,  an  Irishman  stood  listening  tc 
Fred.  Douglass,  who  was  expatiating,  upon  Government 
and  freedom,  and  as  the  orator  came  to  a  period  from  the 
highest  political  heights,  the  Irishman  said :  '  Bedad,  he 
spakes  well  for  a  nager.'  '  Don't  you  know,'  said  one, 
'that  he  isn't  a  negro  ?  he  is  only  half  negro.'  'Only  a 
half  nager,  is  he  ?  Well,  if  a  half  nager  can  talk  in  that 
style,  I'm  thinking  a  whole  nager  might  beat  the  prophet 
Jeremiah.' 


o— — 


Old  Abe  and  Hie  Blasted  Powder. 

c  A  western  correspondent  writes:  ',,A  visitor,  congrat- 
ulating Mr.  Lincoln  on  the  prospects  of  his  re-election, 
was  answered  by  that  indefatigable  story-teller  with  an 
anecdote  of  an  Illinois  farmer,  who  undertook  to  blast  his 
own  rocks.  His  first  effort  at  producing  an  explosion 
proved  a  failure,  He  explained  the  cause  by  exclaiming, 
'Pshaw,  this  powder  has  been  shot  before!' 


4  Hurrah  for  Abe  Lincoln!'  shouted  a  little  patriot  on 
Cedar  street,  the  other  day. 

'Hurrah  for  the  Devil?'  rejoined  an  indignant  Southern 
sympathiser. 

'  All  right,'  said  the  juvenile ;  4  you  hurrah  for  your 
man,  and  I'll  hurrah  for  mine.' 


104  •         OLD    ABK'S   JoKKs, 


The  President's  Repartee, 

A  distinguished  foreigner,  dining  at  the  White  House, 
wished  to  congratulate  President  Lincoln  on  -the  self-pon- 
Hession  of  the  hostess,  arid  her  apparent  indifference  to  the 
peculiar  vexations  of  her  new  position.  Having /an  im- 
perfect knowledge  of  our  language,  he  expressed  his  idea 
by  saying:  '  Your  Excellency's  lady  makes  it  very  indif- 
ferent !'  Observing  the  twinkle  of  the  President's  eye,  he 
endeavored  to  correct  his  language,  and  immediately  said 
with  emphasis  :  «  Your  Excellency's  lady  has  a  very  indif- 
ferent face !' 


"  Salmon  the  Solemn,"  vs.  Abraham  the  Jocular." 

The  solemn  versus  the  jocular  are  brought  into  curious 
juxtaposition  by  the  present  state  of  affairs.  The  com- 
mittee of  '  the  friends  of  Mr.  Chase,'  in  their  Ohio  circular, 
call  Mr.  Lincoln  '  our  jocular  President.'  Against  him 
they  set  up  Mr.  Chase,  of  whom  a  prominent  Boston  lawyer 
said  some  years  ago,  '  I  don't  like  the  Governor.  He  is 
too  solemn — altogether  too  solemn.'  More  than  a  year 
ago,  Mr.  Lincoln  said  that  he  had  just  discovered  that  the 
initials  of  Salmon  P.  Chase  mean  shinplaster  currency. 
Perhaps  he  will  now  say  that  they  mean  shinplaster  can- 
didate. An  old  Greek  rhetorician  advises  to  answer  your 
adversary's  sober  arguments  with  ridicule,  and  his  ridicule 
with  sober 


FRESH    FROM   ABRAHAM'S    BOSOM.  105 


Old  Abe  "  glad  of  it." 

A  characteristic  story  of  the  President  is  narrated  in  a 
letter  from  Washington.  When  the  telegram  from  Cum- 
berland Gap  reached  Mr.  Lincoln  that  'firing  was  heard 
in  the  directon  of  Knoxville,'  he  remarked  that  he  was 
*  jdad  of  it.'  Some  person  present,  who  had  the  perils  of 
Burnside's  position  uppermost  in  his  mind,  could  not  see 
why  Mr.  Lincoln  should  be  glad  of  it,  and  so  expressed 
himself.  '  Why,  you  see,'  responded  the  President,  *  it  re- 
minds me  of  Mistress  Sallie  Ward,  a  neighbor  of  mine, 
who  had  a  very  large  family.  Occasionally  one  of  her 
numerous  progeny  would  be  beard  crying  in  some  out-of- 
the-way  place,  upon  which  Mrs.  Sallie  would  exclaim, 
'  There's  one  of  my  children  that  isn't  dead  yet.' 


Old  Abe's  "  Affair  of  Honor.'* 

Abraham  Lincoln,  at  nineteen  years  of  age,  was  six  feet 
four  in  height,  arid  so  far  exhibited  the  attributes  of  a  ruler 
that  he  towered  like  Saul  above  his  fellows.  He  was 
once,  and  once  only,  engaged  in  what  is  falsely  termed 
*  an  affair  of  honor.'  A  young  lady  of  Springfield  wrote 
a  paragraph  in  a  burlesque  vein  in  a  local  newspaper^  in 
which  G  ii<  ial  Shields  was  good^huniouredly  ridiculed  for 
Itto  connexion  with  Some  public  incusure,  The  General 
H-ag  greatly  iucenggd*  and  demanded  of  ihd  Editor  thg 
fcaias  ef  the  offeadiflj!  party*  Th§  editor  put  hltn  otf  with 


106  OLD  ABE'S  JOKES, 

r       ,*"  • 

and  shortly  afterwards,  meeting  Lincoln,  told  him  his  per 
plexity.  *  Tell  him  I  wrote  it,'  said  Lincoln;  and  tell  him 
he  did.  After  a  deal  of  diplomacy  to  get  a  retraction  of 
the  offensive  parts  of  the  paragraph  in  question,  Shields 
sent  a  challenge,  which  Lincoln  accepted,  named  broad- 
swords as  the  weapons,  and  an  unfrequented,  well-wooded 
island  in  the  Mississippi  as  the  place.  Old  Abe  was  first 
on  the  ground,  and  when  Shields  arrived  he  found  his  an- 
tagonist, his  sword  in  one  hand  and  a  hatchet  in.  the  other, 
with  his  coat  off,  clearing  away  the  underbrush  !  Before 
the  preliminary  arrangements  were  completed,  a  Mr.  Har- 
din,  who  somehow  got  wind  of  what  was  afloat,  appeared 
on  the  scene,  called  them  both  d — d  fools,  and  by  his  argu- 
ments addressed  to  their  common  sense,  and  by  his  ridicule 
of  the  figure  that  they,  two  well-grown,  bearded  men,  were 
making  there,  dissuaded  them  from  fighting. 


Mr.  -Lincoln's  Disease. 

President  Lincoln  has  really  had  the  s.mall-pox,  but  is 
able  to  have  his  joke  regularly.  When  the  committee  of 
Congress  waited  on  him  to  announce  their  readiness  to 
receive  the  message)  the  President  was  found  in  his  private 
office,  clad  in  an  old  dressing-gown,  and  looking  dilapidated 
generally*  The  chairman  announced  in  a  very  formal 
manner  the  object  'of  the  visit.  It  seemed  to  please  the 
President  mightilyi  arid  putting  his  hands  deep  in  his 
breeches  povketsj  and  throwing  a  leg  over  au  arm  of  'hi* 
replied  i  *  Waali  if  It  is  a  *fee«s*  of  lift  tted  dtftft 


FRESH   PROM    ABRAHAM'S    BOSOM.  107 

I  can  get  it  up  to-day ;  but  if  it  isn't,  I'd  rather  wait  till 
to-morrow,  for  the  fact  is  the  boys  haven't  got  through 
copying  it  yet.'  It  was  not  a  matter  of  life  and  death,  and 
the  message  was  not  sent  in  till  Wednesday.  Mus.  Lincoln 
did  not  evidently  think  her  husband  was  very  sick,  for  she 
went  to  New  York  last  week  to  do  sa  little  shopping.' 
While  there  she  lost  her  purse,  containing  a  large  sum  of 
money,  in  the  street.  It  was  found  arid  returned  t6  her  by 
a  young  patent  claim  agent  of  this  city,  and  Mrs.  Lincoln 
was  very  profuse  in  her  thanks  and  offers  of  assistance. 
The  freedom  of  the  White  House  was  tendered  to  the 
young  man,  who,  if  he  isn't  too  bashful,  may  consider  his 
fortune  made. 


"  The  President  was  Reminded." 

A  gentleman  was  telling  at  the  White  House  how  a 
friend  of  his  had  been  driven  away  from  New  Orleans  as 
a  Unionist,  and  how,  on  his  expulsion,  when  he  asked  to 
see  the  writ  by  which  he  was  expelled,  the  deputation 
which  called  on  him  told  him  that  the  goyernment  had  made 
up  their  minds  to  do  nothing  illegal,  and  so  they  had  issued 
no  illegal  writs,  and  simply  mean^  to  make  him  go  of  his 
own  fiee  will.  'Well,'  said  Mr.  Lincoln,  <  that  reminds 
me  of  a  hotel-keeper  down  at  St.  Louis,  who  boasted  that 
he  never  had  a  death  in  his  hotel,  for  whenever  a  guest 
was  dying  in  his  house  he  carried  him  out  to  die  in  tke 
street.' 


108  OLD    ABE'i   JOKEfc, 


President  Lincoln  on  Grant's  New  Sword. 

Just  before  Grant's  arrival,  Representative  Washburne 
took  to  the  White  House  a  handsome  sword,  prasented  to 
.General  Grant  by  some  admirers  in  Illinois,  to  show  the 
'President  and  Mrs.  Lincoln.  ' Yes,'  said  the  President, 
*  it  is  very  pretty.  It  will  do  for  a  Commander-in-Chief.' 
Old  Abe  then  turned  to  a  general  officer  then  present  and 
asked  him  if  he  had  had  any  sword  presentation  lately. 
The  reply  was  'I  have  not.'  'Humph,'  said  Abe,  'that's 
a  joke  then  that  you  haven't  seen  the  point  of  yet.' 


Abraham's  Going  to  Pot. 

« A  deputation  of  gentlemen  from  New  York  waited 
upon  Old  Abe  with  the  determination  to  impress  his  mind 
with  the  great  injustice  done  their  department  of  trade  by 
the  Committee  on  Taxation. 

4  Gentlemen,'  said  the  President,  '  why  do  you  come  to 
me?  The  committee  will  hear  you  and  do  you  justice.  I 
cannot  interfere.' 

'  But,'  urged  the  spokesman,  '  if  they  are  going  to  tax 
all  the  commodities  of  life, — ' 

'  My  friends,'  responded  the  rail-splitter,  'if  tlioy  tax 
all  the  necessaries,  I'm  afraid  we  must  all  go  to  pot.' 


FEE8H    FliOM    ABRAHAM'S    BOSOM.  109 


Old  Abe's  "  Mistakes/' 

*  Old  Abe  being  questioned  one  day  in  regard  to  some 
of  his  reputed  *  mistakes'  replied,  cThat  reminds  me  of  a 
minister  and  a  lawyer  who  were  riding  together;  says  the 
minister  to  the  lawyer— 

4  Sir,  do  you  ever  make  mistakes  in  pleading  ?' 

4 1  do,'  says  the  lawyer. 

4  And  what  do  you  do  with  mistakes  ?'  inquired  tire  min- 
ister. 

4  Why,  sir,  if  large  ones,  I  mend  them ;  if  small  ones,  I 
let  them  go,'  said  the  lawyer.  '  And  pray,  sir,'  continu,- 
ed  he,  4  do  you  ever  make  mistakes  in  preaching?' 

4  Yes,  sir,  I  have.' 

4  And  what  do  you  do  with  mistakes  ?'  said   the  lawyer. 

4  Why,  sir,  I  dispose  of  them  in  the  same  manner  that 
you  do.  Not  long  sinee,'  continued  he,  4  as  I  was  preach- 
ing, I  meant  to  observe  that  the  devil  was  the  father  of 
hars,  but  made  a  mistake,  and  said  the  father  of  lawyers. 
The  mistake  was  so  small  that  I  let  it  go.' 


Speaking  of  the  Time. 

'  When  Mrs.  Vallandigham  left  Dayton  to  join  her 
husband,  just  before  the  election,  she  told  her  friends  that 
she  expected  never  to  return  until  she  did  so  us  the  wife 
of  the  Governor  of  Ohio. 


110  OLD   ABE'S   JOKFJS, 

Mr.  Lincoln  is  said  to  have  got  off  the  following : — 
« That  reminds  me  of  a  pleasant  little  affair  that  occurred 
out  in  Illinois.' 

A  gentleman  was  nominated  for  Supervisor.  On  leav- 
ing home  on  the  morning  of  election,  he  said— 

4  Wile,  to-night  you  shall  sleep  with  the  Supervisor  of 
this  town.' 

The  election  passed,  and  the  confident  gentleman  was 
defeated.  The  wife  heard  the  news  before  her  defeated 
spouse  returned  home.  She  immediately  dressed  for  going- 
out,  and  waited  her  husband's  return,  when  she  met  him 
at  the  door. 

'  Wife,  where  are  you  going  at  this  time  of  night  ?'  he 
exclaimed. 

'  Going  ?'  she  replied,  «  why,  you  told  me  this  morning 
that  I  should  to-night  sleep  with  the  Supervisor  of  this 
town,  and  as  Mr.  L.  is  elected  instead  of  yourself,  I  was 
going  to  his  house.' 

She  didn't  go  out,  and  he  acknowledged  he  was  sold, 
but  pleasantly  redeemed  himself  with  a  new  Brussels 
carpet. 


Old  Abe's  Uncle. 

« My  deceased  uncle,'  says  Old  Abe, « was  the  most  polite 
gentleman  in  the  world.  He  was  making  a  trip,  on  the 
Missiseippi  when  the  boat  sank.  Me  got  his  head  above 
the  water  for  once,  took  off  his  hat,  and  said,  <  Ladies  and 
gentlemen,  will  you  please  excuse  me  ?'  and  down  -he 
went.' 


FROM    ABRAHAM'S    BOSOM.  Ill 


Old  Abe  seeing  the  difficulty. 

A  very  amuseing  scene  was  witnessed  at  the  grand 
military  dinner  given  at  the  Executive  Mansion  in  honor 
of  Lieutenant  General  Grant  soon  after  his  arrival  here. 
After  the  guests  had  assembled  and  a  brilliant  array  of 
well  known  military  men  appeared,  in  accordance  with 
the  President's  invitation,  to  assist  in  the  ceremonies  of 
the  evening,  it  was  found,  to  the  surprise  of  everybody 
that  General  Grant  was  not  there.  He  had  suddenly 
taken  wings  for  the  West.  Everybody  looked  disappoint- 
ed. Among-  the  major  generals  present  were  Hal  leek, 
Meade,  Wool,  McCook,  Crittenden,  Sickles,  Hunter,  Burn- 
side,  Blair,  Doubleday,  Ogilsby,.  Wallace  and  others. 
When  it  was  announced  that  Grant  was  not  coming  the 
generals  looked  at  the  President  arid  the  President  at  the 
generals.  Presently  Mr.  Lincoln  said  : — '  Gentlemen, 
this  is  the  play  of  Hamlet  with  Hamlet  left  out.  We  ex- 
pected Grant  here,  but  he  couldn't  stay.'  The  company 
had  assembled,  however,  the  curtain  was  raised,  and  the 
play  must  go  on.  But  who  would  play  the  part  of  Ham- 
let ?  In  plainer  language,  a  lieutenant  general  was  ex- 
pected, but  he'would  not  be  present.  Old  Abe,  seeing 
the  difficulty,  said  that  if  it  was  necessary  to  have  a 
Hamlet  he  would  call  upon  Major  General  llajleck.  at 
short  notice,  as  the  managers  say,  to  fill  that  part.  Hal- 
leek,  who  wore  three  stars  on  each  shoulder,  put  on  a 
most  complacent  appearance  and  4  kindly  consented'  to 
tha  role  of  the  principal  character  &ud  eo  th<i 
we&t  on$  with  Ufeil«sk  m 


112  OLD  ABE'S  JOKES, 


One  x)f  Abe's  Anecdotes. 

Well,'  said  a  gentleman  to  Old  Abe,  'we  had  &j 
nijrger  served  up  in  every  style  last  session.' 

*  Yes,'  broke  in  the  Executive,  as  his  eyes  twinkled. 
'  ending  off  with  the  frre-cussee  style.' 

4 1  hope,'  resumed  the  gentleman,  « I  hope  we  shall  have 
something  new  now.' 

'  There  was  a  man  down  in  Maine.'  said  the  President, 
'who  kep'  a  grocery  store,  and  a  lot  of  fellows  used  to 
loaf  around  that  for  their  toddy.  Well,  he  only  gave  'em 
New  England  rum,  and  they  drinked  a  pretty  considera- 
ble of  it.  But  alter  a  while  they  began  to  get  tired  of 
that,  and  kep'  asking  for  something  New — something  New; 
all  the  time.  Well,  one  night,  when  the  whole  crowd 
was  around,  the  grocer,  he  sot  out  his  glasses,  and  says 
he,  'I've  got  something  New  for  you  to  drink,  boys.' 
«  Honor  bright/  says  they.  «  Honor  bright '  says  he ; 
and  with  that  he  sot  out  a  jug.  *  Thar,'  says  he,  '  that's 
something  New  ;  it's  JVetc-England  rum  !'  says  he.  *  Now,' 
remarked  Abraham,  shutting  one  eye,  ;  I  gue^s  we're  a 
good  deal  like  that  crowd,  and  Congress'  is  a  good  deal 
like  that  store- keeper  1" 


*  Wiat  ididiettS  ttfg  these  V  asked  Lincoln  to  H  fegi* 
bent  marehffd  byi  *  Why,  they  belong  to  the  tsw  kwf 
for  th*  8**^  -'  tip  : -•  i«fti«iippif'  HplW  «  f  tttidfiir  ^ 


FRESH    FROM    ABRAHAM'S    BOSOM  113 


.      How  Old  Abe  Settled  the  Point. 

• 

The  town  is  laughing  at  an  amusing  story  of  a  recent 
interview  between  Mr.  Lincoln  and  the  president  of  the 
Baltimore  and  Ohio  railroad.  *  The  draft  has  fallen  with 
great  severity  upon  the  employes  of  our  company,'  said 
the  R.  R.  President.  '  Indeed  !'  responded  the  President 
of  the  U.  S.  « If  something  is  not  done  to  relieve  us,  it  is 
hard  to  foresee  the  consequences.'  •  Let  them  pay  the 
commutation.'  'Impossible!  the  men  can't  stand  such  a 
tax.'  6  They  have  a  rich  company  at  their  back,  and 
that's  more  than  other  people  have.'  *  They  ought  to  be 
exempted,  because  they  are  necessary  to  the  working  of 
the  road  for  the  government/  '  That  can't  be/  '  Then 
I  will  stop  the  road.'  « If  you  do,  I  will  take  it  up  and 
carry  it  on.'  The  discussion  is  said  to  have  dropped  at 
this  point,  and  the  very  worthy  president  is  still  working 
the  road  as  successfully  as  ever. 


Old  Abe  was  once  canvassing  for  himself,  for  a  local 
office,  when  he  came  to  a  blacksmith's  shop. 

4  Sir,'  said  he  to  the  blacksmith,  « will  you  vote  for 
me?' 

«  Mr.  Lincoln,'  said  the  son  of  Vulcan,  « I  admire  your 
head,  but  damn  your  heart!' 

*  Mr.  Blacksmith,'  returned  Abe, /  *  I  admire  your  cati- 
dor,  but  damn  your  manners!' 


114  OLD    ABE'S   JOKES, 


The  President's  Interview  with  a  New  Yorker. 
A  man  from  New  York  tells  of  an  interview  he  had 
with  the  President.  « How  are  you/  said  he.  '  I  saw 
your  card,  but  did  not  see  you.  I  was  glad,  however, 
that  you  carded  me,  and  I  was  reminded  of  an  anecdote 
of  Mr.  Whittlesey.  When  Mr.  Cox,  then  a  young  man, 
first  came  here,  Mr.  Whittlesey  said  to  him:  'Sir,  have 
you  carded  the  senators  ?'  '  No  sir  ;  I  thought  I  would 
curry  favor  first,  and  then  comb  them.'  « It  is  no  joking 
matter,  sir,'  said  Mr,.  Whittlesey,  seriously.  It  is  your 
duty  to  card  the  senators,  sir;  and  it  is  customary  I 
believe,  to  card  the  cabinet  also,  and  you  ought  to  do  it, 
sir.  But '  he  added,  after  a  moment's  thought,**  I  think  I 
am  wron^;  the  cabinet  may  card  you.' 


COOL. — A  gentleman  visiting  an  hospital  at  Washington 
hearing  an  occupant  of  one  of  the  beds  laughing  and  talk- 
ing about  the  President.  He  seemed  to  be  in  such  good 
spirits  that  the  gentleman  remarked,  *  You  must  be  very 
slightly  wounded  ?'  « Yes,'  said  the  brave  fellow,  « very 
slightly — I  have  only  lost  one  leg.' 


Old  Abe's  "  Slap  at  Chicago. 

Mr.  Lincoln  relates  the  following : 

<  Some  years  ago,  when  Chicago  was  in  its  infancy,  a 
stranger  took  up  his  quarters  at  the  principal  hotel,  and 
inscribed  Ms  name  on  the  register  as  Mr.  J ,  of  St. 


FRESH    PROM    ABRAHAM'S   BOSOM.  115 

Louis.  For  several  days  he  remained  there,  engaged  in 
transacting  the  business  which  had  brought  him  to  the 
place,  and  from  his  exceedingly  plain  dress,  manners  and 
general  appearance,  attracted  but  little  attention. 

Soon  Mr.  J—  -  was  suddenly  seized  with  illness,  dur- 
ing which  he  was  sadly  neglected  by  his  host;  and  the 
servants  taking  their  tone  from  the  master  of  the  house, 
left  him  to  shift  for  himself  as  best  he  could.  Thus  mat- 
ters went  on,  till  one  morning  he  was  past  praying  for ; 
his  papers  were  then  examined,  that  the  sad  intelligence 
might  be  communicated  to  his  friends ;  when  to  the  sur- 
prise of  all  he  was  found  to  be  one  of  the  wealthiest  men 
in  the  western  country. 

Arrangements  were  accordingly  made  for  the  funeral ; 
but  before  the  last  rites  were  performed,  the  subject  came 
to  life  again,  having  been  the  victim  of  catelepsy,  instead 
of  the  grim  <  King  of  Terror.'  All  were  overjoyed  at  his 
fortunate  escape  from  so  dreadful  a  fate,  and  from  that 
time  wero  profuse  in  their  expressions  of  solicitude,  elicit- 
ed, however,  we  judge,  by  '  documentary  evidence/  rather 
than  by  any  personal  regard. 

At  length  some  one  ventured  to  ask,  how  things  ap- 
peared to  him  while  in  his  trance,  to  which  he  thus 
replied: 

'  I  thought  I  had  come  to  the  river  of  death,  where  I 
met  an  angel  who  handed  me  a  jewel  to  serve  as  a  pass  to 
the  other  side.  On  giving  this  to  the  ferryman,  I  received 
from  him  another  which  carried  me  further  another  stage 
in  my  journey.  Going  on  thus  for  several  stages,  receiv- 
ing at  the  termination  of  each,  a  ticket  for  the  succeeding 


116  OLD  ABB'S  JOKES, 

one,  I  at  last  reached  the  gate  of  the  Heavenly  City. 
There  I  found  St.  Peter,  who  opened  the  door  at  iny  sum- 
mons, pipe  in  mouth,  seated  by  a  small  table,  on  which 
«tood  a  goodly  mug  of  steaming  whiskey  toddy.' 
'  Good  morning,  sir,'  said  he  very  politely. 

*  Good  morning,  St.  Peter/  said  I. 

*  Who  are  you,  sir  ?'  said  he,  turning  over  the  leavo*  of 
a  huge  ledger. 

'  My  iiam'e  is  J / 

*  Very  good,  sir ;  where  do  you  live  down  below 
« I  liv;ed  at  St.  Louis,  in  the  State  of  Missouri/ 

'  Very  well,  sir ;  and  where  did  you  die  /' 

«1  died  at  Chicago, -in  Illinois/ 

6  Chicago  ?'  said  he,  shaking  his  head,  '  there's  no  such 
place,  sir/ 

'  I  beg  your  pardon,  St.  Peter,  but  have  you  a  map  oi' 
the  United  States  here  ?? 

«  Yes,  sir/ 

*  Allow  me  to  look  at  it/ 

*  Certainly,  sir.' 

4  With  that  he  handed  down  a  splendid  atlas,  and  I 
pointed  out  Chicago  on  the  map. 

«  A.11  right,  sir/  said  he,  after  a  moment's  pause;  'its 
there,  sure  enough,  so  walk  in,  sir  ;  but  I'll  be  blest  if  you 
ain't  the  first  man  that  has  ever  come  here  from  that 
place !' 

Thus  ended  Mr.  J 'Q  account  of  his  transition  state  ; 

and  DO  more  quest* ions  were  asked. '' 


*RESH    FROM    ABRAHAM'S    BOSOM.  117 


Where  Abe  said  it  had  gone. 

When  the  Sherman  expedition  which  captured  Port 
Royal  was  fitting,  there  was  great  curiosity  to  learn  wher .' 
it  had  gone.  A  person  visiting  the  Chief  Magistrate  *;! 
the  White  House  importuned  him  to  disclose  the  destina- 
tion to  him.  i  Will  you  keep  it  entirely  secret?'  asked  the 
President.  '  Oh,  yes,  upon  my  honor.'  'Well,'  said  the 
President,  « I'll  tell  you.'  Assuming  an  air  of  great  mys- 
tery, and  drawing  the  man  close  to  him,  he  kept  him  a  mo- 
ment awaiting  the  revelation  with  an  open  mouth  and  great 
anxiety.  *  Well,'  Buid  he  in  a  loud  whisper  which  was 
heard  all  over  the  room,  *  the  expedition  has  gone  to — 
sea!' 


A  tail  one  by  Old  Abe. 

That  reminds  us  of  the  following  story  that  has  been 
told  of  Mr.  Lincoln  somewhere  when  a  crowd  called  him 
out.  He  came  out  on  the  balcony  with  his  wife,  (who  ia 
somewhat  below  medium  height,)  and  made  the  following 
*  brief  remarks' :  'Here  1  am,  and  here  is  Mrs.  Lincoln. 
That'i  the  long  and  short  of  it.' 


Abraham  tells  a  Story. 

Dr.  Hovey,  of  Dansville,  N.  Y.,  thought  he  would  call 
and  see  the  President,  and  on  arriving  at  the  White  House 
found  him  on  horseback,  ready  for  a  start.  Approaching 
him,  he  said : 


118  OLD  ABB'R  JOKES, 

«  President  Lincoln,  I  thought  I  would  call  and  see  yoi 
before  leaving  the  city,  and  hear  you  tell  a  story/ 

The  President  greeted  him  pleasantly,  and  asked  when 
he  was  from. 

'The  reply  was :  4  From  Western  New  York.' 

'  Well,  that's  a  good  enough  country  without  stories, 
replied  the  President,  and  off  he  rode.  That  was  the 
Btory. 


Mr.  Lincoln  and  the  Georgetown  Prophetess. 

The  President,  like  old  Kiug  Saul  when  his  term  was 
about  to  expire,  seems  in  a  quandary  concerning  a  further 
lease  of  office.  I  lean  that  he  has  consulted  again  the 
*  prophetess '  of  Georgetown,  immortalized  by  his  patron- 
age. She  retired  the  other  night  to  an  inner  chamber,  and 
alter  raising  and  consulting  more  than  a  dozen  of  dis- 
tinguished spirits  from  Hades,  she  returned  to  the  recep- 
tion-parlor where  the  Chief  Magistrate  awaited  her,  and 
declared  that  Gen.  Grant  would  capture  Richmond,  and 
that  Honest  Old  Abe  would  be  next  President.  She,  how- 
ever, as  the  report  goes,  toljl  him  to  beware  of  Chase. 


Sala. 

It  is  reported  that  Old  Abe  let  eff  a  joke  at  George 
Augustus  Sala.  It  seems  that  eminent  Bohemian,  in  a  per- 
severing search  after  information,  learned  to  his  astonish- 
ment that  all  our  cavalrymen  are  furnished  with  a  horse 
and  two  Colts  each  ;  and  his  appetite  duly  whetted  by  this 


FRESH    FROM   ABRAHAM'S  -BOSOM.  119 

novel  discovery,  he  made  bold  to  inquire,  in  the  presence 
of  Old  Abe,  what  branch  of  the  service  the  Americans  had 
experienced  the  most  difficulty  in  becoming  adepts? 

'  Engineering^'  said  the  President,  *  but  unlike  you  Eng- 
lishmen we  experience  little  difficulty  in  building  up  that 
most  essential  thing  an  enduring  magazine.' 

The  eminent  George  is  said  to  have  hemmed  once  or 
twice,  in  some  doubt  as  to  the  exact  application  of  this.. 


A  Tight  Squeeze. 

President  Lincoln  says  the  prospect  of  his  election  for  a 
second  term  reminds  him  of  old  Jake  Tullwater  who  lived 
in  111.  Old  Jake  got  a  fever  once,  and  he  became  deliri- 
ous, and  while  in  this  state  he  fancied  that  the  last  day 
had  come,  and  he  was  called  to  judge  the  world.  With 
all  the  vagaries  of  insanity  he  gave  both  questions  arid 
answers  himself,  and  only  called  up  his  acquaintances,  the 
millers,  when  something  like  this  followed  : 

*  Shon  Schmidt,  corne  up  here !     Vat  bees  you  in  dis 
lower  worlds?' 

•  •  « Well,  Lort,  I  bees  a  miller.' 

*  Well,  Shon,  did  you  ever  take  too  much  toll  V 

1  Oh,  yes  Lort,  when  the  water  was  low,  and  the  stones 
were  dull,  I  did  take  too  much  toll.5 

*  Well,  Shon,'  old  Jake  would  say,  4  You  must  go  to  the 
left  among  the  goats/ 

So  he  called  up  all  he  knew  and  put  them  through  the 
eame  course,  till  finally  he  carne  to  himself: 


120  OLD  ABE'S  JOKES, 

'  Shake  Tullwater,  come  up  here  !  Well,  Shake,  what 
bees  you  in  this  lower  world  ?' 

*  Well,  Lord,  I  bees  a  miller.1 

«  And,  Shake,  didn't  you  ever  take  too  much  toll?' 

'  Ah,  yes,  Lort,  wlicn  the  water  was  low,  and  the  atones 
iv  ns  dull,  I  did  take  too  much  toll.' 

<  Well,  Shake  —  well  Shake  (scratching  his  head)  —  well 
Shake,  what  did  you  do  mit  dat  toll.' 

'Well,  JLort,  I  gives  him  to  de  poor.' 

'Ah!  Shake  —  gave  it  to  the  poor,  did  you?  Well 
Shake,  you  can  go  to  the  right  among  the  sheep  —  hut  it'g  a 
tam'd  tight  squeeze!' 

At  it  with  a  Will. 

The  President  and  Secretary  of  State  were  closeted 
together,  overwhelmed  by  the  affairs  of  the  nation. 

'  Seward,  you  look  puzzled,'  said  Secretary  Chase  as  he 
entered  and  found  that  able  functionary  half  buried 
among  papers,  scratching  his  head  and  biting  his  pen. 

'Never  fear,"  quoth  Old  Abe,  laughing  gaily  and  slap- 
ping the  Secretary  of  State  approvingly  on  the  back. 
«  Where  there's  a  Will  there's  a  way  !' 


President  Lincoln,  in  replying  to  the  St.  Louis  delega- 
tion, which  recently  waited  on  him  to  urge  the  prosecution 
of  the  war  on  ultra  Abolition  principles,  replied  that  *  I.e. 
had  more  pegs  than  he  had  holes  to  put  them  in.'  This  an- 
swer is  peculiarly  appropriate,  as  the  Abolitionists,  since 
the  commencement  of  hostilities,  have  been  so  much  en- 
gaged in  stealing  a#  to  render  the  war  nothing  but  a  game 
©f  cribbage^ 


FRESH    FROM    ABRAHAM'S   BOStM 


Old  Abe  and  the  Bull-Frogs. 

f  A  few  days  ago,  Paine,  a  lawyer  of  some  note  in  Cin- 
cinnati, paid  a  visit  to  -the  Presidential  mansion,  that  he 
might  return  with  his  garments  scented  with  loyal  per- 
,  fume  to  the  Porkopolis  Courts. 

During  the  interview  the  President  asked  him  what  was 
the  feeling  of  the  people  of  Ohio  in  reference  to  the  Pres- 
idential election.  Mr..  Paine  informed  him  that  the  great 
talk  about  Chase  all  amounted  to  nothing.  At  this  an- 
nouncement the  President  seemed  well  pleased  and  rub- 
bing his  hands,  he  exclaimed,  *  That  reminds  me  of  a  story. 
Some  years  ago  two  Irishmen  landed  in  this  country,  and 
taking  the  way  out  into  the  interior*  after  labor,  carne  sud- 
denly near  a  pond  of  water,  and  to  their  great  horror 
they  heard  some  bull-frogs  singiug  their  usual  song, — 
B-a-u-m  ! — B-a-u-m  ! — B-a-u-m  !  They  listened  and  trem- 
bled, and  feeling  the  necessity  of  bravery  they  clutched 
their  shellalies  and  crept  cautiously  forward,  straining 
their  eyes  in  every  direction  to  catch  a  glimpse  of  the 
enemy,  but  he  was  not  to  be  found.  At  last  a  happy  idea 
came  to  the  most  forward  one  and  he  sprang  to  his  mate, 
and  exclaimed,  *  and  sure,  Jamie,  it  is  my  opinion  it's  no- 
thing but  a  noise.' 

o 

Knowing  too  Much. 

President  Lincoln  while  entertaining  a  few  select 
friends  is  said  to  have  related  the  following  anecdote  of  a 
man  who  knew  too  much. 


122  OLD  ABE'S       JOKES, 

During  the  administration  of  President  Jackson,  there 
was  a  singular  young  gentleman  employed  in  the  public 
Poet  Office  at  Washington.  His  name  was  G. ;  lie  was 
from  Tennessee,  the  son  of  a  widow,  a  neighbor  of  tho 
President,  on  which  account  the  old  hero  had  a  kind 
feeling  for  him,  and  always  got  out  of  Ins  difficulties  with 
some  of  the  higher  officials,  to  whom  his  singular  interfer- 
ence was  distasteful. 

Among  other  things,  it  is 'said  of  him  that  while  he  was 
employed  in  the  General  Post  Office,  on  one  occasion  he 
had  to  copy  a  letter  to  Major  H.,  a  high  official,  in  answer 
to  an  application  made  by  an  old  gentleman  in  Virginia 
or  Pennsylvania  for  the  establishment  of  a  new  post  office. 
The  writer  of  the  letter  said  the  application  could  not  be 
granted,  in  consequence  of  the  applicant's  «  proximity'  to 
another  office.  When  the  letter  came  into  G.'s  hands  to 
copy,  being  a  great  stickles  for"  plainness,  he  altered 
^proximity'  to  '  nearness  to.'  Major  H.  observed  it,  and 
asked  G.  why  he  altered  his  letter. 

4  Why,'  replied  G.,  because  I  don't  think  the  man  would 
understand  what  you  meant  by  proximity.' 

c  Well,'  said  Major  H.,  «  try  him  ;  put  in  the  « proximity, 
again.' 

In  a  few  days  a  letter  was  received  from  the  applicant, 
in  which  he  very  indignantly  said,  « that  his  father  had 
fought  for  liberty  in  the  second  war  of  independence,  and 
he  should  like  to  have  the  name  of  the  scoundrel  who 
brought  the  charge  of  .proximity  or  anything  else  wrong 
against  him.  There,'  said  G.  *  did  I  not  say  so  ?' 

G.  oorried  his  improvements  so  far  that  Mr.  Berry,  the 


123 

Postmaster  General  said  to  him,  '  I  don't  want  you  any 
longer,  yon  know  too  much.5 

Poor  G.  went  out,  but  his  old  friend,  the  General  got 
him  another  place.  This  time  G's  ideas  underwent  a 
change.  He  was  one  day  very  busy  writing,  when  a 
stranger  called  in  and  asked  him  where  the  Patent  Offico 
was  ? 

1 1  don't  know,'  said  C. 

4  Can  you  tell  me  where  the  Treasury  Department  is  ?' 
said  the  stranger. 

4 No/  said  G. 

4  Nor  the  President's  house  ?' 

<  No.' 

The  stranger  finally  as^ed  him  if  he  knew  where  the 
Capitol  was, 

*  No,'  replied  GL 

«  Do  you  live  in  Washington,  sir  ?'  said  the  stranger. 
4  Yes,  sir,'  said  G. 

*  Good  Lord !  and   don't  you  know  where  the   Patent 
Office,  Treasury,  President's  House,  and  Capitol  are  ?' 

*  Stranger,'  said  G.  4 1  was  turned  out  of  the  Post-office 
for  knowing  too  much.     I  don't  mean  to  offend  in  that 
way  again.     I  am  paid  for  keeping  this  book.     I  believe 
I  do  know  that  much ;  but  if  you  find  me  knowing  any- 
thing more,  you  may  take  my  -head.' 

*  Good  morning,'  said  the  stranger. 


124  OLD   ABE'S  JOKES, 


Lincoln  and  the  Curiosity  Seeker. 

In  answer  to  a  curiosity  seeker  who  desired  a  permit  to 
pass  the  lines  to  visit  the  field  of  Bull  Run  after  the  first 
battle,  Mr.  Lincoln  made  the  following  reply  as  his  an- 
swer : 

A  man  in  Cortlandt  county  raised  a  porker  of  such 
unusual  size  that  strangers  went  out  of  their  way  to  see  it. 
One  of  them  the  other  day  met  the  old  gentleman  and 
inquired  about  the  animal.  4  Wall,  yes,'  the  old  fellow 
said  ;  '  he'd  got  such  a  critter,  mi'ty  big  un ;  but  he  guess- 
ed he  would  have  to  charge  him  about  a  shillin'  for  loo  kin1 
at  him.'  The  stranger  looked  at  the  old  man  for  a  min- 
ute or  so ;  pulled  out  the  desired  coin,  handed  it  to  him 
and  started  to  go  off.  'Hold  on,'  said  the  other;  'don't 
you  want  to  see  the  hog  ?'  <  No,'  said  the  stranger,  <  I 
have  seen  as  big  a  hog  as  I  want  to  see  .** 

And  you  will  find  that  fact  the  case  with  yourself,  if 
you  should  happen  to  see  a  few  live  rebels  there  as  well 
as  dead  ones. 


Old  Abe   and  the  Copperhead. 

A  certain  politician  being  rather  loud  in  his  denuncia- 
tions of  the  administration  in  the  president's  hearing  a 
short  time  since,  he  conveyed  a  very  wholesome  lesson  in 
the  following  story,  there  was  a  Dutch  farmer  once  who 
being  just  clad  in  the  ermine  of  a  justice  of  peace,  had  his 
first  marriage  in  this  way ; 


FRESH    FROM   ABRAHAM'S   BOSOM.  125 

4  Veil,  you  want  to  be  marrit,  do  you  ?' 
1  Yes,'  answered  the  man. 

*  Yell,  do  you  lovish   dis  voman  as  goot  as  any  voman 
you  have  ever  seen  ?' 

<  Yes.5 

Then  to  the  woman : 

*  Veil,  do  you  love  this  man  so  better  as  any  man  you 
have  ever  seen  ?' 

She  hesitated  and  he  repeated  :  * 

*  Veil,  veil  do  you  like  him  so  veil  as  to  be  his  wife;?' 

*  Yes,  yes,'  she  answered. 

*  Veil,  dat  ish  all  any  reasonable  man  can  expect ;  so 
you  are  marrit.     I  pronounce  you  man  and  wife.' 

The  man  drew  out  his  pocket-book  and  asked  the  justice 
what  was  to  pay. 

*  Nothing  at  all,  nothing  at  all,  you  are  welcome  to  it  if 
it  will  do  you  any  goot.' 


IN  speaking  of  certaic  odd  doings  in  the  Army,  Old 
Abe  said  that  reminded  kirn  of  another  story,  as  follows : 

On  one  occasion,  when  a  certain  General's  purse  was 
getting  low,  he  remarked  that  he  would  be  obliged  to 
draw  on  his  banker  for  some  money.  « How  much  do  you 
want,  father  ?'  said  the  boy.  'I  think  I  shall  send  for  a 
couple  of  hundred,'  replied  the  General.  '  Why,  father.' 
said  his  son  very  quietly,  { I  can  let  you  have  that  amount.' 
You  can  let  me  have  it !'  exclaimed  the  General  in  sur- 
prise; '  Where  di«  you  get  so  much  money?'  « I  won  it 
at  playing  draw  poicer  with  your  staff,  air!'  replied  tho 


126  OLD  ABE'S  JOKES, 

hopeful  youth.  It  is  needless  to  say  that  the  9-40  train 
next  morning  bore  the  ' gay  young  gambolier'  toward  his 
home.  Do  you  see  the  point. 


Old  Abe  and   the  Woodoook. 

The  President  one  day  dined  at  Richmond.  When  the 
landlord  produced  his  bill,  he  thought  it  very  exorbi- 
tant, and  asked  his  name,'  '  Partridge !  an't  please  you,  re- 
plied the  host.  'Partridge!'  said  he;  'it  should  be 
woodcock,  by  the  length  of  your  bill.' 

o — 

» 

Old  Abe  and  the  Set  Speech. 

The  President  being  recently  importuned  to  deliver  a 
set  speech  for  a  certain  specified  purpose,  said  that  the 
request  reminded  him  of  an  old  story  he  once  heard  of  a 
couple  of  U.  S.  Senators. 

It  was  on  one  of  those  memorable  days  when  the  Kan- 
sas-Nebraska bill  was  being  debated,  Senator  Seward 
tapped  Douglas  on-  the  shoulder,  and  whispered  in  his  ear 
that  he  had  some  '  Bourbon'  in  the  Senator's  private  room 
which  was  twenty  years  old,  and  upon  it  he  desired  to  get 
Douglas's  judgment.  The  'little  giant'  declined,  stating 
that  he  meant  to  speak  in  a  few  minutes,  and  wished  his 
brain  unclouded  by  the  fumes  of  liquor.  At  the  conclu- 
sion of  his  speech  Douglas  sank  down  exhausted  in  his 
chair,  hardly  conscious  of  the  congratulations  of  those  who 
flocked  around  him.  At  this  juncture  Seward  soi*wJ  <^ 


FRESH    FROM    ABRAHAM'S   BOSOM.  127 

orator's  arm,  and  bore  him  off  to  the  Senatorial  sanc- 
tum. 

«  Here's  the  Bourbon,  Douglas,'  said  Seward  ;  « try  some 
— its  sixty  years  old.' 

4  Seward,'  remarked  Douglas,  « I  have  made  to-day  the 
longest  speech  eve*-  delivered  ;  history  has  no  parallel  for 
it.' 

€  How  is  that?1  rejoined  Seward,  <  You  spoke  about  two 
hours  only  !' 

'Don't  you  recollect  that  a  moment  pefore  I  obtained 
the  floor  you  invited  me  to  partake  of  some  Bourbon 
twenty  years  old,  and  now  immediately  after  closing  my 
remarks,  you  extend  to  me  some  of  the  same  liquor,  with 
the  assertion  that  it  is  sixty  years  old!  a  forty  years 
speech  was  never  delivered  before/ 

Seward  acknowledged  the  'corn,'  and  the  two  enemies 
(politically)  smiled.' 


MR.  LINCOLN  being  found  fault  with  for  making  another 
4  caiP  said  that  if  the  country  required  it,  he  would  con- 
tinue to  do  so  until  the  matter  stood  as  described  by  a 
Western  Provost  Marshal  out  West  who  says : 

'  I  listened  a  short  time  since,  to  a  butternut  clad  indi- 
vidual, who  succeeded  in  making  good  hirf  escape,  expati- 
ate most  eloquently  on  the  rigidness  with  which  the  con- 
scription was  enforced  south  of  the  Tennessee  river.  His 
response  to  a  question  propounded  by  a  citizen  ran  some- 
what in  this  wise  :  6  Do  they  conscript  close  over  the 
river  ?'  *  Hell,  stranger,  I  should  think  they  did !  They 
take  every  man  who  hasn't  been  dead  more  than  two  dausf  if 


128  OLD  ABE'S  JOKES, 

this  is  correct  the  confederacy  has  at  least  a  ghost  oi    a, 
chance  left' 

And  of  another,  a  methodiat  minister  in  Kansas,  living  011 
a  small  salary,  who  was  greatly  troubled  to  get  his  quarter- 
ly instalment.  He  at  last  told  the  non-paying  trustees 
that  he  must  have  his  money,  as  he  was  'suffering  for  the 
necessaries  of  life.  *  Money  !'  replied  the  trustees,  '  you 
preach  for  money  ?'  We  thought  you  preached  for  the 
good  of  souls!'  'Souls1'  responded  the  reverend.  *I 
can't  eat  souls — and  if  I  could,  it  would  take  a  thousand 
such  as  yours  to  make  a  meal !'  That  soul  i»  the  point, 
Bir,  said  the  President. 


Mr.  Lincoln  Telleth  Another  Story. 

Judge  Baldwin,  of  California,  an  old  and  highly  respec- 
table and  sedate  gentleman,  called  a  few  days  since  on  Gen. 
Halleck,  and  presuming  upon  a  familiar  acquaintance  in 
California  a  few  years  since,  solicited  a  pass  outside  of  out- 
lines to  see  a  brother  in  Virginia,  not  thinking  that  he 
would  meet  with  a  refusal,  as  both  his  brother  and  himself 
were  good  Union  men.  '  We  have  been  deceived  too  often,' 
said  General  Halleck,  'and  I  regret  I  can't  grant  it.' 
Judge  B.  then  went  to  Stanton  and  was  very  briefly  dis- 
posed of  with  the  same  result.  Finally  he  obtained  an  in- 
terview  with  Lincoln,  and  stated  his  case  «  Have  you  ap- 
plied to  General  Halleck  ?'  inquired  the  President.  '  And 
met  with  a  flat  refusal,'  said  Judge  B.  '  Then  you  must 
see  Stanton,'  continued  the  President.  « I  have,  and  with 


PRESH     FROM    ABRAHAM'S    BOSOM. 

the  same  result,'  was  the  reply.  «  Well,  then,'  said  Old 
Abe,  with  a  smile  of  t^ood  humor,  'I  can  do  nothing:  for 
you  must  know  that  I  have  very  little  influence  with  this  Ad- 
ministration.' 


The  Vice- President. 

Vice-President  Hamlin  must  get  gome  new  clothes. 
During  a  recent  visit  to  Boston  an  acquaintance  who  ap- 
preciated the  character  of  the  man  rather  than  the  exter- 
nal evidences  of  position  and  power,  passing  him  in  the 
street  met  a  jolly  Jack  in  full  naval  costume.  Thinking 
it  might  be  gratifying  announcement,  our  friend  pointed  to 
the  Vice-President,  saying : 

4  There,  my  boy,  is  Mr.  Hamlin,  the  Vice-President.' 

Jack  looked  doubtful  and  dubious  for  a  moment,  and 
then  indignantly  said : 

«  Tell  that  to  the  marines.  Do  you  suppose  that  your 
Uncle  Abraham  would  let  the  Vice-President  loose  in  that 
sort  of  rig ;  see,  he's  got  a  cable  tier  kink  in  his  hat,  and 
he's  pretty  darned  seedy  all  over.  If  he  isn't  one  of  Jeff 
Davis's  guerrillas,  he's  in  danger  of  being  picked  up  for 
one,  if  he  goes  where  Uncle  Sam's  men  ^keep  their  weather 
eye  open.' 


President  Lincoln  Presented  with  a  Pair  of  Socks. 

• 

At  the  Presidential  reception  on  Saturday,  Major  French 
presented  to  the  President  a  pair  of  woollen  socks,  knit 


130  UNCLE  ABE'S  JOKES, 

expressely  for  the  President  by  Miss  Addie  Brockway,  of 
Newburyport,  Mass..  On  the  bottom  of  each  was  knit  the 
secession  flag;  and  near  the  top  the  glorious  stars  and 
stripes  of  our  Union,  so  that  when  worn  by  the  President 
he  will  always  have  the  flag  of  the  rebellion  under  hs  feet. 
These  socks  were  sent  by  the  maker  to  Mrs.  Wm.  B.  Todd, 
of  this  city,  and  at  her  request  Major  French  presented 
them  with  a  few  appropriate  remarks.  They  were  most 
pleasantly  and  graciously  received  by  the  President. 


Lincoln's  First  and  Last  r.'ijht  in  New  Orleans. 

*  The  cholera  was  raging  at  the  time  I  last  visited  New 
Orleans  'Twas  just  dusk  and  everything  seemed  unusual 
quiet.  I  met  but  few  people  as  I  hurried  on  to  the  St. 
Charles,  which  I  found  after  repeated  enquiries.  Every- 
thing had  a  neglected,  desert  1,  wo-begone  look  which 
was  rather  home-sickening.  So  I  supped,  called  for  a 
room  and  went  to  bed  but  not  to  sleep,  for  the  musquetoes, 
oh  !  horrors,  were  as  thick  as  bees  in  a  hive ;  they  bit,  bit, 
bit,  till  I  felt  as  if  every  pore  in  my  body  was  furnishing 
svpper  to  a  horde  of  savages.  In  vain  I  sloped  and  fought, 
they  were  too  much  for  me,  I  dressed  , myself,  determined 
to  walk  the  streets  till  morning  before  I  would  suffer  such 
torment.  It  was  not  very  dark  nor  very  light,  just  suffi- 
cient to  discrn  objects  when  your  eyes  became  accustomed 
to  the  darkness  ;  I  had  barely  emerged  into  the  street  when 
I  hit  my  foot  against  something  and  fell  full  length  across 
it  on  the  walk ;  picking  myself  up  I  began  to  feel  to  see 


FRESH  FROM  ABRAHAM^  ROSOM.          131 

what  it  was ;  just  the.n  a  light  appeared  with  two  men  bear 
ing  a  coffin,  which  was  placed  on  the  one  I  had  fallen  over 
my  first   impulse   was  to  get  back  to  my  room,  but   the 
knowledge  of  the  infernal  insects  which  infested  it  deter- 
ed  me,  and  I  hastened  on  ;  I  had  not  gone  far  when  I  fetch- 
ed bolt  upright.     Well,  this  is  queer,  I  thought,  no  more 
coffins  I  hope — but  the  low  tone  of  several  men  as  they  re- 
moved them  into  a  cart  that  stood  ready,  convinced  me  as 
well  as  my  eyes  which  were  getting  u^ed  to  the  darkness. 
I  counted  one,  two,  three,  and  up  to  fifteen ;  my  heart  sick- 
ened, I  turned,  retraced  my  steps;  warfare  was  better  than 
this,  though  my  foes  were  legions.     Dark,  shadowy  forms 
were  flitting  every  few  steps  across  the  way   bearing   the 
dead ;  no  sound  was  heardi  n  the  street,  save  the  low  rum- 
ble of  carts  filled  with  victims  to  the   dreadful    scourge. 
I  found  my  room  at  last — how,  I  never  knew  ;  I  lai  d  down 
and  prayed  for  the  morning  light,  but  the  musquitoes,  as 
if  to  make  up  for  the  lost  time,  redoubled  their  depreda- 
tions.    An  idea  struck  me,  I  would  get  under  the  bed  and 
perhaps  elude  them,  I  did  and  had  peace  for  full  five  minutes 
how  I  enjoyed  it ;  but  they  found  me,  and  I  beat  a  retreat ; 
feeling  about  I  discovered  a  fire-place  and  a  wooden  fire- 
board  partly  before  it.     i  have  it,  and  my  heart  gave  one 
leap  of  joy,  I  shook  my  fist  at  the  humming  torments,  and 
doubling  myself  up,  crawled  into  the  fire-place,  bringing 
the  fire-board  after  me  the  best  I  could ;  I  had  air,  and  if  it 
did  not  smell  very  pure,  why  it^  was  better    than  having 
one's  blood  drawn  away  in  the  smallest  possible  fractions, 
let  alone  the  sensation  after  it ;    the  stench  grew  stronger 
and  stronger^   No  wonder,  thought  I,  that  people  die  here. 
I  began  to  grow  curious  and  commenced  feeling1  about  me 


OLD    ABE'S   JOKES, 

cautiously  first,  then  more  daring,  my  hand  went  down  into 
a  vessel  containing,  not  exactly  cider  and  dough-nuts,  but 
what  might  have  passed  for  them  if  eyes  only  were  used. 
I  found  some  water  and  after  washing  over  and  over  again 
that  hand,  I  went  below,  enquired  if  any  vessel  was  to 
leave  that  day,  for  it  was  already  light  and  the  inmates 
astir.  They  said  yes,  and  with  rapid  strides  I  found  my 
way  to  the  levee  where  a  steamer  was  ready  to  sail* 
Thank  Heaven,  I  muttered,  business  must  take  care  of  it- 
self, I'm  off.  The  remembrance  of  that  awful  night  will 
haunt  me  to  the  grave.' 


Too  Good  to  be  Lost. 

• 

« Old  Abe,'  who  presides  at  the  National  White  House, 
is  very  fond  of  a  good  joke,  and  is  in  the  habit  of  telling 
them,  greatly  to  the  amusement,  and  not  unfrequently  at 
the  expense  of  his  most  particular  friends.  We  have 
heard  one  lately,  which,  we  think,  will  turn  the  tables  upon 
the  President.  The  conversation  is  said  to  have  occur- 
red between  an  old  Illinois  farmer  and  a  member  of  Con- 
gress from  Missouri,  at  Willard's  Hotel,  in  Washington 
city. 

Mr.  R.,  the  member,  was  in  one  of  the  sitting  rooms  4>f 
the  hotel,  quietly  puffing  his  cigar  and  reading  the  New 
York  *  Herald,'  when  he  was  approached  by  a  rough, 
burly,  middle-aged  man,  and  the  following  dialogue  is 
said  to  have  occurred  between  them  : 

ILLINOIS  FARMER.     «  Sir,  to  make  free,I  understand  you 


FRESH   FROM   ABRAHAM'S    BOSOM.  133 

area  member  of  Congress  from  the  great  State  of  Mis- 
souri.' 

MR.  R.  °You  are  correctly  informed,  sir,  I  represent 
the Congressional  District,  in  that  State.' 

I.  P.  CI  am  from  Illinois,  sir;  am  in  Washington  city, 
on  no  particular  business — just  looking  round  a  little,  to 
see  how  'the  cat  jumps.' 

MR.  R.  <  I  am  glad  to  know  you,  sir  ;  Illinois  and  Mis- 
souri ought  to  be  good  friends,  and  I^shall  be  most  happy 
to  serve  you  in  any  way  that  I  can.' 

I.  F.  <  Well,  sir,  I  don't  want  anything  except  to  see 
this  d d  infernal  rebellion  put  down,  it's  nearly  ruin- 
ed us  out  West ;  I  have  already  lost  one  son,  and  I  would 
not  be  surprised  if  I  lost  them  all  before  the  war  is  over, 
for  they  are  all  in  it,  several  of  them  with  that  brave  fel- 
low, John  Logan.' 

MR.  R.  «  Sir,  you  have  my  earnest  sympathies,  both  in 
your  desire  to  see  the  rebellion  crushed,  and  in  the  severe 
loss  you  have  met  with  in  the  death  of  your  son.  I  hope 
the  Government  will  finally  triumph  in  this  wicked  war, 
which  has  been  forced  upon  it.' 

I.  F.  *  Arc  you  much  acquainted  in  Illinois  ?  Do  you 
know  Mr,  Browning  ?  and  if  so  what  do  you  think  of 
him?' 

MR.  R.  « I  know  Mr.  Browning  very  well,  sir.  I 
think  very  highly  of  him.  He  is  a  good  man,  sir,  and  o$M3 
of  the  first  statesmen  of  the  country.' 

I.  F.     «  Well,  sir,  are  you  acquainted  with  '  old  Dick  1 
he's  been  my  representative  in  Congress  far  a  long  while. 

MR.  R.  *  You  allude,  I  suppose,  to  Col.  Dick  Richard- 
fioo,  of  Quincy  ?' 


134  OLD  ABE'S  JUKES, 

I.  F.     '  He's  the  b'hoy,  sir  ;  what  do  you  think  of  him  ?' 

MR.  R.  *  Col,  R.  is  a  patriotic  and  good  man,  a  little 
too  much  steeped  in  Democracy.' 

I.  F.  «  Never  mind  his  Democracy,  that  will  never 
hurt  him  half  so  much  as  the  mean  whiskey  he  drinks;  I 
tell  you,  Dick's  a  glorious  fellow  ;  I  like  to  hear  him  after 
that  miraculous  genius,  Trumbull,  who,  I  'spose,  wears  as 
small  a  gizzard  as  any  man  that  ever  entered  the  Senate. 
After  all  though,  my  friend  fcjtephen  A,  was  the  man,  he 
could  « take  the  starch  out  of  any  of  them,5  and  if  he  had 
lived,  sir,  I  believe  this  infernal  rebellion  would  have  been 
over.' 

Mu.  R.  '  Very  likely,  sir, ;  Mr.  Douglass  was  a  noble 
man ;  lie  would  have  exerted  a  vast  influence,  if  he  had 
lived,  over  the  fate  of  our  unhappy  country.' 

I.  P.     <  Well,  sir,  do  you  know  <  Old  Abe?' 

ME.  R.     « 1  have  that  honor.' 

I.  F.  *  Well,  I  don't  consider  there  is  much  honor 
about  it,  but  I'd  just  like  to  know  what  you  think  of 
him.' 

MR,  R.  *  Well,  sir,  I  am  inclined  to  think  well  of  the 
President :  I  believe  lie  loves  his  country,  sir.  He  is  sur- 
rounded by  great  difficulties,  and  is  doing  the  best  he  can 
to  surmount  them. .  He  is  frequently  persuaded  to  do 
things  which  I  think  his  better  judgment  does  not  approve, 
I  believe  he  is  honest,  sir.' 

I.  F.  'Well,  my  friend,  I  see  that  «  Abe  'has  rather 
taken  you  in.  I  know  him  a  devilish  sight  better  than 
most  men.  I  have  known  him 'like  a  book' for  thirty- 
five  years.  .  I  knew  him  when  he  w&s  a  rail-splitter,  and 
1  tell  you  he  never  did  an  honest  day's  work  at  the  bu~U 


FttKSM  FROM  ABRAHAM'S  BOSOM.  135 

ness  in  his  life.  If  he  had  100  rails  to  hew  he  always 
got  them  from  somebody  else's  pile  !  1  knew  him  when 
he  was  a  grocery  keeper,  and  he  always  kept  bad  whiskey, 
cut  a  fellow's  dram  short,  and  charged  two  prices.  With 
some  folks  Lincoln  had  the  reputation  of  being  very 
honest  and  not  very  smart  ;  but  I  tell  you,  sir,  he's  d — d 
smart  and  none  too  honest  ?  (somewhat  excited  and  the 
crowd  gathering  around).  I  tell  you,  sir,  I  know  '-Abe' 
like  a  book,  sir,  and  by  the  eternal,  what  1  say  is  true?' 

MR.  R.  (Somewhat  confused) — •"  Sir,  I  was  just  about 
taking  a  mint  julep  ;  will  you  have  the  kindness  to  join 
me?' 

I.  F.  •  If  you  are  tired  of  talking,  with  all  my  heart, 
sir.  Missouri  and  Illinois  must  stand  together,  sir.  I 
tell  you,  by  the  shades  of  Old  Hickory  and  Benton,  they 
must  work  and  fight  for  the  old  Union,  Missouri  and  Illi- 
nois are  the  greatest  States  in  the  Union,  sir.  If  they'll 
starid  together,  breast  to  breast,  they  can  knock  h — 11  out 
of  South  Carolina  and  the  whole  South,  and  then,  if  need 
be,  turn  round  and  shovel  New  England  into  the  ocean? 

Exeunt  to  the  bar  room. 


Mrs.  Old  Abe. 

(From  the  New  York  Mercury.) 

Mrs.  Lincoln  is  a  short,  stout,  cheery,  motherly  little 
woman,  of  about  forty  years  of  age,  more  or  less.  Our 
artist  has  given  us  an  excellent  portrait  of  her  pleasant 
but  by  no  means  handsome  face,  from  a  photograph  taken 


136  OLD  ABK'S       JOKKS, 

by  one  of  our  best  operators.  Mrs.  Lincoln  was  born  in 
Kentucky.  She  might  have  been  a  native  of  Bourbon 
County,  for  her  maiden  name  was  Todd  ;  but  that  portion 

of  the  State  was  not  thus  honored.     At  a  comir^-itiveiy 

ff^ 

early  age,  after  receiving  a  moderate  educati  >he  left 
her  'old  Kentucky  home'  and  removed  to  II:  ?s,  when1 
she  married  Mr.  Lincoln,  then  a  young  lawyer  of  little 
practice,  who  made  up  for  his  low  standing  at  the  bar  by 
standing  over  six  feet  high  in  his  stockings. 

It  appears  that  Mrs.  Lincoln  was  quite  a  village-belle 
before  her  marriage,  and  had  other  suitors  besides  Honest 
Old  Abe.  One  of  them,  a  militia  General,  picked  a  quar- 
rel with  Mr.  Lincoln  about  a  satirical  poem,  which  Mrs. 
Lincoln  had  written  and  which  Mr.  Lincoln  fathered. 
The  exasperated  General  sent  a  challenge  to  Mr.  Lincoln, 
which  was  at  once  accepted.  Mr.  Lincoln  was  allowed 
the  choice  of  weapons,  and  chose  cavalry-swords.  When 
the  General  came  to  tight  the  duel,  he  was  not  a  little 
astonished  at  some  of  the  arrangements.  Mr.  Lincoln  had 
selected  a  field  across  which  ran  a  high  rail-fence.  The 
terms  of  the  combat  were,  that  he  should  take  one  side  of 
the  fence  and  the  General  the  other ;  that  each  should  be 
at  liberty  to  keep  as  far  away  from  the  fence  as  he  pleased, 
but  that  neither  should  be  permitted  to  climb  over,  crawl 
through,  or  creep  under  the  fence,  upon  any  pretext  what- 
ever. The  General  indignantly  declined  to  take  part  in 
snch  a  combat,  and  Mr.  Lincoln  was  declared  the  winner 
of  this  novel  tournament,  and  bore  off  hie  bride  in  triumph. 
Mr.  Lincoln  has  always  been  called  a  strict  temperance- 
man  ;  but  it  cannot  be  denied  that,  when  he  marrivjj  lie 
took  a  /Todd  ibr  tite- 


FRESH    FROM    ABRAHAM'S   BOSOM.  137 

As  her  husband  rose  in  the  world,  Mrs.  Lincoln  rose 
with  him.  He  turned  politician,  went  to  the  State  Legis- 
lature, gained  some  eminence  in  the  Illinois  courts,  and 
was  finally  elected  to  Congress.  This  progress  was  so 
gradual,  however,  that  Mrs.  Lincoln  troubled  herself  very 
little  about  it.  She  was  busy  enough  keeping  house  and 
tending  to  the  babies,  which  arrived  in  not  inconsiderable 
numbers.  At  first  the  only  perceptible  changes  in  her  for- 
tune were,  that  she  hired  'help  '  to  assist  her  jn  her  house- 
work, which  she  had  previously  done  herself,  and  fitted  up 
her  residence  in  a  more  comfortable  and  tasteful  style. 
Then  she  began  to  go  into  society,  and  into  better  society 
than  the  village  of  Springfield  could  afford.  Judges  and 
members  of  Congress,  and  sometimes  United  States  Senators 
dropped  in  to  see  Old  Abe,  who  had  already  been  marked 
by  shrewd  observers  as  the  coming  man — or,  as  the  West- 
erners expressed  it,  as  •  a  good  log  to  make  something  out 
of.'  At  last  the  great  re  volution  came.  Mr.  Lincoln  was 
nominated  for  the  Presidency.  Springfield  became  the 
political  Mecca.  Mrs.  Lincoln  was  courted  and  flattered. 
TFien  Honest  Old  Abe  was  elected,  and  Mrs.  Lincoln  was 
the  wife  of  the  President  of  the  United  States.  This  eleva- 
tion must  have  seemed  to  her  magical.  Censorious  people 
have  said  that  it  almost  deprived  her  of  her  senses.  No 
wonder. 

When  President  Lincoln  made  his  grand  tour  through 
the  country,  on  his  way  to  Washington,  Mrs.  Lincoln  accom- 
panied him,  and  was,  like  him,  '  the  observed  of  all  ob- 
servers.' She  kissed  all  the  children  at  all  the  stations  be- 
tween Springfield  and  Washington,  and  accepted  bouquets 
enough  to  fill  the  White  House*  Politicians  and  place- 


138  OLD    ABE'S   JOKES, 

seekers  fluttered  about  her  in  the  cars,  during  the  trip,  in 
order  to  profit  by  her  influence  over  Mr.  Lincoln.  Some 
few  of  them  succeeded,  and  owe  their  offices  to  her  inter- 
cessions upon  their  behali'.  Those  who  saw  the  Presiden- 
tial pair  during  this  tour,  describe  them  as  an  honest,  sim- 
ple, good-hearted,  affectionate,  innocent  country-people, 
bewildered  by  the  novelty  of  their  surroundings,  and  quite 
at  the  mercy  of,  the  political  sharpers  who  hovered  around 
them  like  hawks.  Upon  the  arrival  of  the  special  train 
at  the  Thirthieth-street  depot  in  this  city,  the  scene  between 
Mr.  and  Mrs.  Lincoln  was  quite  touching.  She  took  a 
brush  and  comb  from  her  reticule,  smoothed  his  hair,  ar- 
ranged his  cravat,  brushed  some  of  the  dust  from  his  coat, 
and  then  stood  looking  at  him  with  evident  admiration. 
4  Am  I  all  right  now,  mother?3  asked  the  President.  Mrs. 
Lincoln's  reply  was  a  hearty  kiss.  Some  of  the  spectators 
of  this  little  episode — men  who  had  not  indulged  in  a  bit 
of  natural  sentiment  since  childhood — rushed  from  the  car, 
unable  to  restrain  their  laughter.  But  others,  appreciating 
not  only  the  republican  simplicity  but  also  the  conjugal 
tenderness  of  the  scene,  were  quite  otherwise  affected 
by  it. 

Mr.  Lincoln,  it  will  be  remembered,  ran  away  from  the 
Presidential  party  at  Harrisburg,  and  entered  Washington 
at  night,  disguised  in  a  Scotch  cap  and  a  long  military 
cloak.  Mrs.  Lincoln  passed  through  Baltimore  the  next 
day:  and  was  neither  assassinated,  insulted,  nor  annoyed. 
The  evening  after  her  arrival  in  Washington,  she  gave  a 
reception  at  WiMard's  Hotel.  The  parlors  were  crowded 
with  elegantly-dressed  ladies  and  gentlemen,  the  belles  an  J 
beaux  of  the  capital.  By  and  by,  President  Lincoln  enter- 


FRESH    FROM    ABRAHAM'S    BOSOM.  139 

ed,  feeling  and  looking  very  awkward  in  his  new  suit  of 
clothes,  and  leading  Mrs.  Lincoln  by  the  hand.  *  Ladies 
and  gentleman/  said  he,  after  an  embarrassing  pause, 
*  here  you  see  the  long  and  the' short  of  the  Presidency  '- 
indicating  first  himself  and  then  his  wife.  The  belles  bo^- 
ed  and  buried  thire  i'aces  in  their  handkerchiefs  to  conceal 
their  smiles.  The  beaux  dashed  frantically  out  into  the 
lobbies,  aching  with  irrepressible  mirth.  This  was  Mrs. 
Lincoln's  introduction  to  Washington  society.  A  relative 
named  Mrs.  Grimsby,  was  sent  for  to  teach  the  President's 
wife  etiquette,  and  for  a  while  no  parties  were  given  at  the 
White  House.  Then  came  the  famous  ball,  which  so  exer- 
cised the  Radical  Abolition  and  religious  press.  We  have 
not  space  to  dwell  upon  this  topic ;  nor  upon  the  scandal 
about  Mrs.  Lincoln's  rebel  relatives ;  nor  upon  the  charges 
that  Mrs.  Lincoln  revealed  the  military  secrets  of  the  Ad- 
ministration ;  nor  upon  the  insinuations  that  this  General 
was  promoted  and  that  disgraced,  this  official  appointed 
aad  that  removed,  because  of  Mrs.  Lincolns  whims.  These 
stories — once  thought  of  sufficient  importance  to  be  pub- 
lished in  the  daily  papers  and  investigated  by  a  Committee 
of  Congress — were  long  since  exploded,  and  must  be  fa- 
miliar with  all  our  readers,  who  will  join  with  us  in  de- 
spising those  who  originated  such  base  slanders. 

Mrs.  Lincoln  has  traveled  over  the  North  quite  exten- 
sively during  the  past  four  years,  and  is  always  attended 
by  her  little  suite  of  officers  and  place-holders.  Three 
years  ago,  she  held  her  Republican  Court  at  Long  Branch 
during  the  summer.  An  amusing  incident  occurred  at  a 
ball  given  there  in  her  honor.  She  did  not  dance,  but 
tttood  in  front  of  an  arm-chair  on  one  side  of  the  hall,  like 


140  OLD  ABE'S  JOKES, 

a  queen  before  her  throne.  The  rest  of  the  company  were 
dancing  when  supper  was  announced,  and  they  hurried 
tumultuously  out  of  the  room,  forgetting  all  about  Mrs. 
Lincoln,  and  leaving  her  and  her  immediate  attendants  to 
take  care  of  themselves.  From  .this  incident  two  deduc- 
tions may  be  made :  first,  the  company  were  exceedingly 
ill-bred ;  and,  second,  that  Mrs.  Lincoln  does  not  inspire 
people  with  a  sense  of  her  personal  dignity  and  importance. 
Both  deductions  are  correct.  Mrs.  Lincoln  is  just  as  \vo 
have  described  her — a  plain,  good-natured,  chatty,  sociable 
amiable,  agreeable,  house-wifely,  little  woman,  never  de- 
signed to  shine  in  the  drawing-room,  and  ignorant  of  many 
of  the  conventionalities  of  fashionable  life,  but  not  the  less 
admirable  for  all  that.  She  likes  line  dresses  and  fine  com- 
pany, and  flattery,  and  homage,  as  what  other  ladies  do 
not?  If,  as  some  of  her  feminine  critics  remark,  her  po- 
sition as  wife  of  the  President  has  quite  turned  her  head, 
this  can  readily  be  pardoned,  since  it  is  enough  to  have 
turned  many  a  wiser  one.  Before  these  feminines  criticise 
MM.  LUcoln  too  severely,  they  should  consider  how  they 
would  feel  if  they  were  in  her  place — as  they  may  be  some 
tine  day,  if  their  husbands  are  fortunate  enough.  Queen 
Victoria,  the  best  of  queens,  is  a  homely,  dumpy,  German 
woman,  who  would  not  look  out  of  place  in  a  lager-bier 
saloon,  so  far  as  mere  personal  appearance  goes.  And,  on 
the  other  hand,  there  have  been  ladies  in  high  position 
who  were  celebrated  for  beauty  of  face  and  figure,  ele- 
gance of  manners  and  perfection  in  all  the  fashionable 
arts,  and  whose  conduct  has  yet  disgraced  themselves,  their 
sex,  and  their  rank.  This  can  never  be  truly  said  of 
Mrs.  Abraham  Lincoln. 


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Dawiey's  Camp  &  Fireside  Library — No.  3 

NORM  A  D  ANTON; 


OR, 


The  Children  of  the  Lighthouse 


A  TALE  OF  NEW  YORK  CITY, 

BY 

PIKRPOi^T  de 


THIS  is  a  real  picture  of  tlie  different  phases  of  city  life  ;  and,  if  i 
has  no  other  merit,  it  is  a  TRUE  STORY,  each  and  every  character  de 
picted  throughout  its  pages  were  living,  breathing  beings.  NORAIA,  th< 
heroine,  is  a  girl  of  wild  and  singular  beauty.  The  boy  WILL  is  a  typ< 
of  the  brave  and  manly  kind  which  wins  the  hearts  of  all.  These 
children  were  at  a  tender  age  left  orphans,  to  the  guardianship  of  uj 
unscrupulous  uncle — a  Wall  Street  Broker — who,  appropriating  then 
immense  wealth  to  his  own  use,  placed  the  children  in  the  care  of  t 
Lighthouse.  Keeper  on  a  distant  coast,  from  whence,  after  years  o) 
hardship,  they  escaped — the  boy  to  sea,  and  the  girl  back  to  the  city 
where  she  was  kidnapped  by  a  rascally  villain,  and  taken  to  a  vile  der 
in  Greene  Street. 

WORTLY,  the  tool  of  the  rich  man  ;  JAMISON,  the  simple-minded  police- 
man ;  ETHEL  D  ANTON,  the  profligate  ;  HATTIE  NEWBOLD,  his  victim  ; 
Madame  ST.  JUDE,  the  sorceress  and  fortune-teller  ;  URSULA  LKSHMAN,  the 
good  Samaritan ;  CRJS,  and  his  companion,  CHUFFER,  the  ''  Burkers," 
were  all  real,  living  characters.  "  Verily,  truth  is  stranger  than  fiction!' 

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Dawley'a  Camp  and  Fireside  Library— No. 


INCIDENTS 

OF 

\MERICAN  CAMP  LIFE 

Being  events  which  have  actually  taken  place 
JURING  THE    PRESENT    REBELLIO2 

Second  Edition,  Revised  and  Enlarged. 


CONTENTS. 


i«  sn-ks-hunters  of  Western  Virginia, 
•king  on  the  battle-field.  .    '. 

n  inquisitive  rebel, 
n  exciting  incident  of  picket  life, 
nother  picket  story 

picturesque  rebel  army, 
accination  in  the  army, 
ould'nt  stand  it 

n  incident  of  the  battle  of  the  fort-. 
>enes  between  pickets, 
xtra  rdinary  telegraphic  strategy, 
urst,  the  Tenness?  e  scout . 
he  rebels  and  the  telegraph, 
reserving  the  Constitution, 
aring  adventure  by  Union  soldiers, 
urriside  and  the  fisherman. 

ubbir g  a  prisoner, 
be  burning  of  colt  n. 
nother  female  gece^h- 
ebel  practices. 

robable  tragic  close  of  an  eventful  career. 
«n.  McC all's  first  escape. 
'hat  they  all  need. 
.  New  York  heroine. 
Not  unless  they  lay  down  their  arms." 
n  F.  F.V.  outwitted  by  a  Chicago  Fire  Zouave 
ake  ycur  choice,  madam. 

old  by  Booksellers  &  Newsdealers 
Mailed,  postpaid, 


An  escape. 

A  Maryland  Unionist. 

Joking  on  the  battle-field, 

California  Joe  at  his  work. 

The  wr  ng  way. 

C  rson,  the  scout. 

Drumming  a  coward  out  of  camp. 

Rebels  caught  in  their  own  trap. 

A  demijohn  drilled,  and  its  contents  spiked. 

An  incident  of  the  Williamsburg  battle. 

Clearing  the  battle-field  after  an  engage  mem 

A  Yankee  trick  in  Missouri. 

"  These  are  my  so.ia  " 

"The  spirit  of  '76." 

Scene  at  a  New  York  recruiting  oflice. 

Death  scene  of  Captain  John  Griswold. 

The  Massachusetts  Sixth  in  Baltimore. 

The  drummer-boy  of  Marblehead. 

A  camp  of  females  at  Island  No.  Ten. 

Who  was  sh«  ? 

A  female  spy. 

Miss  Taylor  in  (  amp  Dick  Robinson. 

Tha  dying  soldier. 

Sure  enough. 

Details. 

The  drummer  boy. 

Remembered  and  mourned. 

everywhere.    Price,  FIFTEEN  CENT 
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BEING  EVENTS  WHICH  HAV3  ACTUALLY  TAKEN  PLACE 
DURING    THE    PRESENT    REBELLION. 


in  escape. 

i  Maryland  Unionist. 

'•it  -make-hunters    of  Western  Virgin 

oici   sf  on  the  battle-field. 

in  'iiq  lisitive  rebel. 

oki  iri-  on  t!ie  battle-field. 

!alif  >rnia  Joe  at  his  work. 

.  n  exciting  incident  of  picket  lif*. 

'h»-  wr  ng  way. 

"•-  rs>n,  the  scout. 

tiioiher  picket  story 

*  picturesque  rebel  army. 

>rurmning  a  coward  out  of  camp. 

'accination  in  the  army. 

lebels  caught  in  th-ir  own  trap. 

'ould'nt  stand  ii 

i  demijohn  drilled,  and  spiked. 

.n  incident  ot  t;ie  \Villiarnsburg  battle. 

'learing  the  baUle-neld. 

.  Yankee  trick  in  Missouri. 

These  are  my  sons." 

The  spirit  of  '76." 

.n  incident,  of  the  battle  of  the  fort<. 
cones  beiwa  n  pickets, 
ixtra  rdinary  telegraphic  str  >tegy. 


COXTE.VTS  t 

Hurst,  thf\  Tenness-e  scou'. 
The  rebels  and  the  telegraph. 
».  Preserving  the  Constitution. 

Scene  at  a  New  York  recruiting  office. 

Daring  adventure  by  Union  soldiers. 

Death  scene  of  Captain  John  Gr  swi>ld. 

Burn-iide  and  the  fisherman. 

I)  ubb.i  g  a  prisoner. 

The  Jyiug  M>idier. 

Miss  Taylor  in  .  amp  Dick  Robinson. 

A  female  spy.  . 

Who  was  she  1 

A  caift(>  of  females  at  Island  No.  Tan. 

The  drummer-boy  of  Marblehead. 

Th«  Massachusetts  >Mxth  in  Baltimore. 

What  they  all  need. 

Gen.  Me*  all's  first  escape. 

Probable  tragic  close  of  an  even  ful  career. 

Rebel  practices. 

Another  female  sece  h. 

The  burning  of  cou  n. 

Take  your  choice,  madam. 

An  K.  F.V.  outwitted  by  a  Chicago  Fir«  Zouave. 

"  Not  unless  they  lay  down  their  arms." 

Remembered  and  mourned. 


Dawley's  Camp  and  Fireside  Library — No.  2. 


MERCEDES: 


THE] 


OR, 


A  Wild  and   Singular  Story. 


THE  scenes  of  this  stranere  story  are  laid  in  California,  commencing  some  years  befc/n 
ae  gcilfl  mines  were  discovered,  aud  brought  to  the  time  "  when  mobs  and  murders  wen 
s  plentiful  as  golden  slugs  .';  when  gamblers  were  reckoned  right  and  proper  men,  am 
ambling  hells  weie  the  saloons  of  fashion,  arid  men  of  mind,  manners  and  money  amuset 
a.  imelvcs  therein  ;  when  theaties  outunmberei]  cliurches,  ana  play-books,  Bibles;  whet 
iMMU'zans  were  the  acknowledged  leadcrB  of  ion  ;  when  San  Francisco  rivaled  her  eldei 
(sterH,  b;ith  of  the  Old  an-.l  New  WorlJ,  in  her  buwers  of  ple:\sure  —  for  here  was  thegpea' 
ucleus  of  splendor  and  gratification  in  every  sense.  Fortunes  were  made  in  a  single  'day 

en  who  had  made  fortunes  in  the  mines  co  me  h  -re.  What  wonder,  then,  if  crime  jostlec 
lime  iu  the  streets,  Whnt  wonder  if  fraa  i  iLrove  in  the  mart  of  opaleuce,  or  that  raici 
igat  brawls  distir'^"'1  '*n  ••>  pose  of  the  fe\v  wao  tried  to  be  just. 

Then  arose  the  Vig-i'fincs  ommittee,  taicing  j'llgment  into  their  own  hands,  when  tb? 
nivering  bodi<s  o.  u.«.0  ...it  olTenders,  swung  t*-o^  the  wide  windows  of  the  Cor3roilt.e4 
looms  in  Battery  Street,  an  awfiil  example  o'  ii^  dtiaa  of  evil. 


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OLD  ABE'S  JOKES; 

FRESH  FROM  ABRAHAM'S  BOSOM. 

Comprising  all  his  issues,  except  tlve   "  Greenbacks, 
call  in  some  of  which  this  Work  v*  ill  be  issued. 


CONTENTS. 


Father  Abraham's  Boyhood— Pots  and 
Kettles,  Dutch  Ovens,  Frying  Pans, 
JSsop's  Fables.  Rail-Splitting,  &c. 

An  Englishman's  Portrait  of  Old  Abe. 

The  President  on  (1  rant's  New  Sword. 

An   American's   Portrait    of  Lincoln. 

A  Whole  Nager. 

Old  Abe  consulting  the  Spirit. 

Too  Cussed  Dirty. 

Old  Abe  on  Bayonets. 

Old  Abe  as  a  Mathematician. 

Lincoln  &  the  Wooden-legged  Amteur 

Old  Abe  and  the  Blasted  Powder. 

Lincoln  teaches  the  Soldiers  how  to 
Surrender  Arms. 

Abe's  Curiosity.  / 

Lincoln  Agreeably  Disappointed. 

Lincoln  and  the  Secesh  Lady. 

Old  Abe's  Story  of  New  Jersey. 

Succoring  a  Contraband . 

Old  Soldiers. 

Lincoln  and  Col.  Weiler. 

Mr;?.  Lincoln's  Bonnet. 

Honest  Abe's  Replies. 

Lincoln's  MetuJHc  Ring. 

The  Presidential  Hymn  of  Thanks. 

What  Old  Abe  says  of  Tennessee. 

Old  Abe  a  Coward. 

The  President  &  the  Patriotic  Darkey. 

Abe's  Affair  of  Honor. 

Abraham  Advises  the  Sprigs, 

Lincoln  vs.  Water  Cure. 

&c.,     <fec..     &c.,  '  <fec., 


The  Negro  in  a  Hogshead. 
That  what  Skeered  'em  so  Bad. 
The  President  &  the  Wounded  Rebels. 
A  Pedlar  made  to  eat  his  own  Pies. 
Got  the  Itch. 

Old  Abe  occasionally  browses  around. 
Mr.  Lincoln  and  tiie  Nigger  Barber, 
Abe  on  the  Compromise. 
Old  Abe  appoints  a  General. 
The  President  on  the  "  Mud." 
Lincoln  on  his  Cabinet  Helps. 
Lincoln's  Advice. 
A  Practical  Joke. 
Old  Abe's  on  his  Tod. 
Pluck  to  the  toe-nail. 
Lincoln  arid  the  Lost  Apple. 
Old  Abe  on  Temperance. 
Uncle  Abe  and  the  Judge. 
Mince  Pies  r.s.  Tracts. 
The  Nigger  and  the  Small  Pox. 
Why  Lincoln  Did'nt  Stop  the  War. 
Lincoln's  Estimate  of  the  "Honors." 
Abe's  Long  L-. 
The  President  on  Banks. 
Old  Abe's  Noble  Saying. 
I  Mean  Old  Abe. 

Abe  and  the  Distance  to  the  Capitol. 
T.  R.  Strong,  but  Coffee  are  Stronger. 
&hriiham  tells  a  Story. 
Why  Lincoln  Appointed  Fremont. 
Old 'Abe  on  the  Congressmen. 
Wlvere  Abe  said  it  had  gone. 
Etc.,    Etc.,    Etc.,     Etc,,    Etc. 


OLD  ABE'S  JOKES— Fresh  from  Abraham's  Bosom,  being  ti.e 
Jests  and  Squibs  of  Father  Abraham,  the  Greatest  Liviimg  JaktT 
of  the  Age.  This  Work  is  designed  to  have  an  immense  sale,. probably 
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